cancerschmancer - round 2

my heart aches, it physically hurts. i feel as though there is a weight sitting on my chest. it's hard to breathe. it's hard to stand. it's hard to formulate a thought. i'm really at a loss for words.
yesterday - 2 years and 5 days from the initial diagnosis, we found out matt's cancer has returned. stage 4. again. he was in remission for 13 months. 13 months! 13 months of excitement. 13 months of extra innings of life. we had the best 13 months. we learned what it meant to live. to love. to be intentional. to be spontaneous. we laughed. we were busy. we were exhausted.

and suddenly, without warning, the plans for the remaining part of the year have been cancelled. the magnetic dry erase calendar on our fridge was wiped clean. it has been filled with doctor appointments. scans. chemo. radiation. biopsies. laughter has been replaced with tears.

oh we trust God. we know He has a plan. but we don't understand it. at all. i can't seem to wrap my head around why. why matt, the one everyone LOVES is sick. again. why, when he was so faithful in round 1 is now in round 2? why do we have to do this again. why is the one with the recurrence of the "rare and aggressive" cancer the glue holding us all together? matt is the one who prays when we don't have the words nor the strength. he's the one who listens to bible studies to and from work and can't wait to tell us everything he has learned. he's the one who calls and says you're going to love what you read in the one year bible babe. he's the matt we love.

in some ways it feels like round 2 is harder than round 1. perhaps because we know what to expect? perhaps because we've done it before, all too recently and we remember it too well. we know the long days. the nausea. the fatigue. the endless scans and doctor appointments. in other ways it's easier because we know what to expect, we've done it before and we remember it well.

as of yesterday, we've begun a new hope pile - we still have the pile from the previous round. but we're starting fresh. our friends and family have so graciously started a website to provide meals and donate financially towards the upcoming medical bills. we've become the recipients of so much grace and love and understanding and prayer. oh the prayer, it's so welcome. our hearts are at peace. sad and broken but at peace. we are often found speechless because of the outpouring of support we've received. we're just in awe.

as i thought about this round, i was reminded of the israelites in the old testament who walked in the wilderness for 40 years. their food was provided daily. as they needed it. they had a cloud of protection by day; fire by night. their shoes never wore out. they experienced God's faithfulness and quickly forgot and start complaining. for 40 years they walked. finally - they made it to the promised land. we don't know how long we'll walk. we know God provides what we need when we need it - spiritually and physically. we know we've been surrounded by many who walk with us. we know the promised land is coming. we know that we must keep walking and we must keep remembering what He has done.

in the next few weeks matt will meet with a pulmonologist, he'll have a ct scan to determine the sizes of the cancerous lymph nodes in the bronchial. he'll have a biopsy to confirm what they are already sure of. we'll meet with a radiation oncologist to get that plan in motion. my matty will have chemo and radiation simultaneously. again. the same stuff he had before. it will knock him. we'll get back up. it will knock him harder. we'll get back up. he'll do this 3 days in a row every three weeks for several rounds. our prayer is that the cancer will be gone and matt will go into remission once again.

though we don't know why. we do know God has created us for His pleasure. we know He desires to be glorified in and through our lives. we know He loves us with an unending, unfailing love. we hold tightly to His promises and they are our every breath. we know we will get to experience Him so deeply and so intimately and that is one thing i am looking forward to.

thank you for walking with us again. thank you for loving us. thank you for continuing to pray for us and with us.

cancerschmancer - what is "routine" anyway and what is "normal"

the past few weeks things have been good. learning a new normal. the new normal is life after cancer. after treatment. after surgery. it includes many follow up appointments. it's wondering if this feeling is "right" - it's not how matt used to feel. is it normal? or is something wrong? should he be this tired? was that lump always there? we're learning what the new normal feels like.

matt has been in remission since july 2014, that came exactly 11 months after being diagnosed with a rare and aggressive cancer. one that didn't have a great long term prognosis and not enough data to know what "normal" looks like. it's now January 2015 and we're experiencing life again. loving every minute. not taking it for granted. learning to live intentionally. accepting more doctor appointments, fatigue, lumps and bumps, all as the new normal. it's hard. but compared to a year ago? it's glorious. because he's here.

today we had a "routine" appointment with the surgeon. it's been 10 weeks since he has scoped and scraped matt's nose. we've had other appointments, scans, endoscopies and biopsies in that time off, but we haven't seen our surgeon, dr. b. he told us at our last appointment that if all looks good, we'll start seeing him every three to four months. yay! just think of the co-pays we'll save! so we went into today's appointment somewhat nervous because there are so many unknowns and horrible statistics, but hopeful because we've seen God defy odds and do miraculous things. plus we had no reason to believe anything was wrong. matt's been feeling great - considering it's a new "normal."

we walked in to the surgeon's office and the receptionists immediately smiled. they remember matt. they remember the first time we walked in. scared. and we walked out sobbing. they remember he wasn't given a great prognosis. they remember all of my urgent calls. they remember the doctor giving us priority. they remember Jarrett means STAT. they remember matt falling asleep in the waiting room. and they remember matt's infectious smile. the sparkle in his eyes. they remember how he used the parking validation stamp on my face when he validated the ticket. they remember his bald head and cold hands and young faces and young children. they remember him at his worst and loved seeing him today. they remember him.

as we waited to be called back, the door opened and we saw a nurse who we met early on - he's a sweet, young, brother in the Lord. shortly after matt's surgery, he began working for another doctor and we haven't seen him much since. but today he came back to our room and the two men caught up. he said he's been hoping we'd come in so he could talk to matt. he told matt that he really looks up to him. he said i've watched you matt. i see what you are going through, i'm going through hard things too and i see how you handle it. i see how much you love Jesus. i want that joy and peace. he said, you've been through so much but you always smile. he shared some things with matt and the two men hugged. matt asked him if he could pray. the nurse, our friend agreed.

meanwhile, i just sat with my eyes tearing up, in awe. thanking God for allowing us the privilege of walking this cancer road because if it wasn't for cancer, the two men wouldn't have met. after they prayed, they hugged, talked a bit more and made a plan to grab coffee sometime soon.

shortly after, a resident came in. he scoped and talked to us. he asked about our trip to baton rouge. he remembered how last time we came in we had a bunch of kids. we laughed and called it a homeschool field trip. then asked us to excuse him while he went to talk to the dr. he said he'd be back in a few minutes, they needed to review the most recent scan we brought in, even though it was two months old.

dr b came in and shook our hands, asked how matt is doing and asked if we had a more recent scan. he asked when the next one would be and how often in between. we answered his questions and he began looking up there with the camera. he continued looking as he talked to the resident and answered my questions about what's this and that. he sucked stuff out. then he said he saw something that wasn't there before. he has told us before and said it again today, he'd most likely see "something" before it showed up in a scan. he was looking with his eye, the scan detects through layers. makes sense. in all of the times he said it, it didn't bother us, we never actually expected he'd see anything.

he put the camera up matt's nose again to his "living room" - the space created when they removed everything in surgery and he showed me. i asked if was normal, he said no. he said nothing about matt is normal. no truer statements have ever been said. and i'm not talking about the cancer - but i digress.

matts case isn't normal because he's younger than the average person with this. he's withstood treatment. another rarity. and after a year, he's alive. they don't have much data on this cancer at all, let alone on someone who is healthy and young. our surgeon is a top ent surgeon who specializes in skull base tumors, he's known in the industry and consults with the dr who writes the medical journals on this stuff. yet our surgeon hasn't seen this particular rare, aggressive cancer in this place. so what is "normal"?

he said he'd like to remove this newly discovered mass and send it to the lab to be biopsied. he didn't say the word cancer, he didn't have to. he did say he didn't know if it was fast growing or slow growing. he didn't think it was on the scan from 2 months ago. he wanted another scan right away. i asked if it could be post surgery healing and he said no. matt is completely healed up from surgery. so with his chompers, a grabber looking tool with sharp "teeth" he grabbed a chunk off, dropped it in the fluid and then grabbed another chunk. the bottle was labeled matthew jarrett.

i asked how long it would take to get biopsy results. he said up to five business days. i asked if he could call us. he said yes, do you want me to call with results...no matter what they are...? i said yes. please don't call us and say come to uci i need to talk to you. just tell us what you find. he agreed. he didn't joke. he didn't small talk like he has at previous "good" appointments. he shook our hands and asked that we come back to see him in four weeks. we're seeing him sooner, not later.

i don't know what God has for us in the days ahead. the weeks ahead. the months ahead or the years ahead. i don't understand His plan. but i do know He has a plan. and i know it's perfect. i know He gave us a sweet kiss by allowing us to talk with and pray for a nurse who is hurting. i know that wouldn't have happened if matt didn't have cancer. i know we wouldn't have gone to baton rouge and met our dear friends if matt didn't have cancer. i know we wouldn't understand the power of prayer and greatness of God if he didn't have cancer.

i do know that i read today in the one year bible that God spared pharaoh because He had a purpose and that was to show His power and spread His fame throughout the earth. i know He works all things together for good for those who love Him and are called according to His purpose as it says in romans 8:28. i know our momentary, light afflictions produce for us an eternal weight of glory far beyond all comparison because it says so in 2 cor 4:17. i know a good cry and worship all alone in the office revive the soul and refocus my eyes. i know my God went to prepare a place for me, a mansion actually, He has all of eternity waiting for me and this time on earth is but a short span. i know He's with me in my deepest of valleys and is ever present when i cry out to him. i know He is good. and i'm undeserving of His grace.

i focus on what i do know rather than what i don't know.

and i know i'll go to sleep tonight with my head on matt's chest listening to his heart beat. i'll hold his hand tighter and i'll sit closer. i know i won't miss an opportunity to tell him i love him.

cancerschmancer - the unexpected doctor's call and further scan results

so a few weeks ago matt had his "routine" pet scan and mri. the tests he'll have for many many years. the pet scan takes place every 4 months, the mri every 2 months. both are checking to see if there is any cancer in his body. "they" don't know enough about this cancer to know where it might show up, "they" just say it most likely will. "they" say most people don't make it beyond a year from diagnosis. it's not that "they" are wrong, there's just not enough data to really know for sure. this cancer is rare. it's also aggressive. that we all know.

so though matt has been put in remission, every ache, pain, lump, stuffy nose, headache, moment of blurred vision, plugged ears, days of fatigue, etc. puts me in the what if realm. forget the fact that he works like crazy and is a little older than he used to be. my mind forever plays ping pong with what "they" say and what the Word of God says. we know the latter is Truth, it's Life, it can be depended upon. we know that God has a will to accomplish and defies what "they" say in order to do that.
and for that, i'm very thankful.

about a week after the scans, we received the call, i'm sorry, i called them…twice…to get the scan results. when they were put in the system, i was told remission continues. there's no sign of cancer. i cried, we rejoiced. it was a (early) sweet christmas gift.

i treasure matt. i want to grow old with him. i want to jump in mud puddles. i want to share a chocolate shake. i want to hold his hand every day. i want to stare into his blue blue eyes. i want to fall asleep listening to his heart beat. i want to live fully with matt. for we know none of us are guaranteed tomorrow.

then today the oncologist called matt. she said she got back in the country yesterday and reviewed matt's scans.
1. the spot in his chest is smaller than it was in the last scan.
2. the spot in his stomach is also smaller.

he wrote it all down, said thank you and hung up.

then he gave me the paper. spots??

ok so have you ever been driving 55mph (or 65mph) on a california freeway and thrown your husband's truck into reverse? well basically the vehicle screeches to a stop and the engine is killed. like with no warning the brakes lock up and you can't start the car or put it in drive until you are at a full and complete stop. all the while praying that no one hits you. i know this because i've done it twice. but really, that's all totally beside the point. my point is, that's how i felt today. moving along, things are really, really good and then everything comes to a screeching halt. my world stopped. my heart pounded, i couldn't breathe.

i called the oncologists office and left a message.
within a few minutes the ever so patient pa called me and explained the oncologist's notes. she said they have been watching these spots for a while and though they are smaller than the last time, they aren't hugely concerned but want to get the stomach checked out. in addition to a million questions, i let her know this was the first we'd heard of the "spots."

she said, "sarah, don't worry until we tell you to worry." i said, so this isn't cancer? she said no, no one ever even mentioned cancer, matt is fine. nothing about matt's case is normal but it's gerd. i asked what gerd was and she said it's short for a reflux issue, perhaps acid reflux, he'll be referred out to a gastro…something or other…ologist and he'll have an upper endoscopy. there's nothing to worry about. i said he hasn't had a single symptom, she said that's ok. we're just being cautious.

i googled gerd, and according to webmd, matt has about 3 days, give or take. not really, but this is precisely why i haven't googled a single thing about his cancer. it's all so much to take in.

then i had a meltdown.
totally. completely. sobbing. a snotty, teary, gasping for air, 3 year old meltdown.

and then that still small voice reminded me to get my bible and re-read the truth He showed me today in the one year bible.
that still small voice said, do you trust me? do you remember what i have done?
do you know that i am God?
i re-read the verses and shared them with matt and the kids through my snot and tears.

micah 6:5 says,
"don't you remember my people. how king balak of moab tried to have you cursed. and how balaam son of beor blessed you instead? and remember your journey from acacia grove to gilgal, when I, the Lord, did everything I could to teach you about My faithfulness."

and verse 7:15-16a says,
"yes, says the Lord, i will do mighty miracles for you, like those i did when i rescued you from slavery in egypt. all the nations of the world will stand amazed at what the Lord will do for you."

i do trust my Lord. i do believe in His faithfulness. i know that i know that i know, whatever He decides is perfect and right.

and yet i so identify with the apostle paul in romans 7:15, "i don't really understand myself, for i want to do what is right, but i don't do it. instead i do what i hate."

and for me, that's losing sight of His promises. it's losing sight of all that He has done so far. it's losing sight that He walks with me no matter what He decides is perfect for my future.

cancerschmancer - He calls us to crazy

three weeks ago, matt and i received a facebook message from a friend. in this message was a link to a short video of a man sharing and this note, "matt, a friend of mine posted this video of his friend. is this cancer similar to what you had?" i watched the 5 minute video in disbelief, no words at all - it was the same cancer, the man talking said word for word what matt had. he watched it and we couldn't get to the computer fast enough to look this video up. we wondered when it had been posted. was it old? was this video circulating the internet or was it new? we prayed it was old.

we immediately found it and as it turned out, the video had just been posted about an hour earlier. it was real. and it was scary. we tracked down paul and amy, we searched and discovered they live in louisiana and he is a senior pastor to a calvary affiliate. paul was just diagnosed with a rare and aggressive cancer. he had a tumor in his nasal cavity. matt contacted paul, i contacted his wife and then we prayed and we waited. our hearts suddenly ached, though we knew nothing about them, and they knew nothing about us. we had jesus and a rare aggressive cancer in common. matt was a survivor, paul was just starting out. we knew God doesn't waste our pain, we know He doesn't walk us down a road without a reason. aren't we are called to comfort one another with the same comfort we've received? so we introduced ourselves, i told amy i wanted to first tell her a little about myself so she wouldn't think i'm crazy...famous last words? or perhaps famous first words?? time would tell.

matt posted the video asking people to pray. and our faithful friends committed to pray for this family.

in his message, matt offered to talk to paul, walk with him, and answer any questions he would have. you see with this rare cancer, there aren't blogs you can look up, there aren't message boards, i'm not even sure webmd has much to say. within a day or so, they each contacted us and thus began very real dialogue.

paul and matt spoke on the phone two days later, and amy and i messaged each other often. by thursday our hearts were burdened to go see them. matt and i talked and prayed but said nothing to anyone. within a few hours, someone generously approached matt and said he felt we should go and offered to send us. he said matt, you can offer hope, you are alive. you lived joyfully and lived out your faith. we knew that was confirmation so tickets were purchased, the car was rented and the hotel was secured. we'd leave in a week. we thought paul may be in the hospital for surgery. we could spend time there if they'd allow us. on monday, one week after hearing about paul's cancer, i spoke with amy for the first time, it was a hard day at a doctor appointment and we had the opportunity to talk and pray. my heart was anxious to be by her side. to tell her i understood.

every detail was being worked out. the doors opened so fast and so wide, we didn't doubt for a second that we should be going. matt and i went back and forth whether or not to tell them we were coming and after praying, we decided not to. we didn't want to add stress or any burden, we didn't want them to feel they had to entertain us at all. we wanted to just be there. we weren't sure how we were going meet up with them. we couldn't just show up at their house, that would be crazy. we couldn't call them and ask if they could meet us at starbucks... again, crazy. maybe join them on their morning run - super creepy crazy. then paul shared on his facebook that the church was having a prayer meeting each night from 6:30-7:30, and people could join them in prayer. since he wouldn't be in the hospital, we thought this would be perfect! we decided we'd go straight to the church, thinking this would be the less crazy of all the options. we sat on this plane with no idea what the Lord had for us, and we were on our way. about 30 minutes before we landed, i looked at matt and i said, we're crazy aren't we? he just smiled at me and said yes, indeed we were. but we rested in knowing God opened the doors and this was what we were going to do.

our plane landed, we grabbed our bags and car and we were on our way. it was 7pm. as we drove to the church, i got super nervous, literally shaking, having second thoughts nervous, but i held matt's hand and he parked the car. i texted a few girls at home that were praying and said we're walking in.

from the foyer we couldn't see inside the sanctuary until the doors opened. matt opened one door, we stepped in and staring right at us from a chair was paul. he looked at us, blinked a few times, looked again and stood up to walk over towards us. we smiled a "please don't be mad, i promise we're normal-ish" kind of smile. i went to amy, hugged her and heard a whisper, "sarah?" i said yes. paul hugged matt and just said wow, he sorta shook his head and smiled really big. we apologized for interrupting the prayer meeting and told them we wanted join them. it was a little funny on our part thinking they'd just continue on praying and worshiping, but we all did our best not to interrupt the remainder of the night. i'm sure they were baffled at the whole thing. it was an amazing night of worship - so intimate and we had total peace knowing we were exactly where God wanted us on the night of our 21st anniversary.

that night we went to dinner, and we saw them the next day. amy posted on her facebook that seeing us walk in was like seeing lazarus, such a shock and such a miracle. we got to meet people from their church and were able to spend time with paul and amy each day we were there - we took each opportunity as a gift. it was a little nuts for us to just show up, but they graciously allowed us in their lives. we met their kids, paul's parents, and their loving church body. seriously our hearts were so full. i can't even describe how amazing the weekend was. on sunday when it was almost time to leave, i cried. no matter how hard i tried, i couldn't stop the tears from falling, i wasn't ready to leave. my heart ached at the thought of leaving the next day. as we spent time with paul and amy, we talked about so many things, cancer, the Lord, how we're all from California, we run, we homeschool, our kids are the same age - exactly!, our faith, matt and paul's similar humor, we had so many things in common.

and then monday, we had one more opportunity to eat together and chat before we had to leave, if i could have frozen time, i would have. then sadly, it was time to catch our plane. it was so bittersweet. their church became our family. we were so loved and embraced, i didn't expect my heart to be so transformed in just a few days. those 5 days in lousiana were among the best i'd ever spent.

there are so many stories from the weekend, we saw God's hand in it from start to finish. i share this for a few reasons, not to draw attention to us at all, we're just people doing what we felt God calling us to do.

but what i learned is that sometimes the Lord calls us to crazy, He calls us out of our comfort zones, out of what feels normal. He calls us to walk in faith, we don't know the how's or the why's, we can't see His master plan. He told noah to build an ark, a big ark. noah didn't know what rain was. He told sarah she'd have a baby and sarah was old. he told ananias to talk to saul, saul who killed Christians. how many times in the old and new testament do we see God call people to do things that are a little crazy, perhaps they don't make sense? God didn't need any of these people. He didn't need us. He has plenty who are willing. but He allows us to be part of His plan. if matt and i would have said no, this is crazy, no one would have known any different. God would have provided someone else. and we could have missed out on this very special blessing that He allowed us. that thought broke my heart, i wonder how many other opportunities i've missed out on because i wasn't willing. what a sweet privilege it is when we get to be a little crazy for Him.

paul is heading into surgery this week and we know the power of prayer, we've seen it. his tumor is larger than matt's was. it's the size of a tennis ball. it's pressing against very dangerous parts of his head. surgery will no doubt be long, 8-10 hours. he'll have an extensive recovery time possibly followed up with treatment. i have no doubt that paul and amy will use every opportunity to glorify God in this. they'll find the joy, they'll seek Him, they trust Him.

please cover them in prayer. cover their kids and church family. pray for the surgeon on wednesday. pray for a quick recover. we trust our God to be big and mighty.

friends, meet our friends, paul and amy.

cancerschmancer - whats new

a friend of mine recently sent me a text. she said she checked the blog and the last entry was a month ago and she was looking for an update. it completely blessed me.

there's nothing, yet so much. my mind is scattered, cluttered, i'm up, i'm down, i'm anxious, i'm at peace. i'm so thankful He remains constant. i'm thankful i can run to Him at anytime and He's there.  

as for matt:

when people ask how he's doing, matt always says "sarah give them the short story."

so the short story is, he's good. he's still in remission - we've hit the 2 month mark. hallelujah!! isn't our God good?

my version is always way longer, matt says i bore people with too many details. so if you agree with him, feel free to close this link and move on to your other web surfing and blog reading. i promise not to be offended. in fact, if you do, when i write a book, this will all be new to you. (insert half serious smiley face and a plea for prayer!) 

a few weeks ago we saw the surgeon and he said everything looks good. he said there's still "something" but he believes it's the tissue that is still inflamed from surgery and it's nothing to worry about. he said if he saw anything, he'd biopsy it right there. he told us we could take a break from the medicated nasal rinses and just use saline. (praise the Lord cause those puppies were expensive!!) as usual, he cleaned out matt's surgery area and said he'd see us in 8 weeks. 8 weeks!! that's the longest stretch he's given us. i asked how long we'd see him so frequently, he said a few more times at 8 weeks apart and once we hit the one year mark from surgery - which is january - we could possibly see him every 3-4 months. i asked how long we'd do that. he paused and looked at me and said "sarah, you're not going any where. i'll be seeing you guys for the next 20 years, in fact, we're going to be good friends when this is all over." so i told him he better invite us over for thanksgiving. he laughed, made a joke and we left the office. the girls at the front desk commented on how well matt must be doing because they have seen us walk out crying too many times and knew things were good based on how we were all smiles.

matt went to have another test at the audiologist and he said the hearing loss is about the same. the good news is the medication didn't make it worse as they thought. matt feels his hearing has decreased though and the ringing is louder. we've noticed matt strains to hear people and in restaurants or other places with loud background noise, he doesn't even try. he just looks at me and i tell him what's being said. we're a team, it's another way He's allowing us to become one. i'm reminded of old people and how she always answers for him. it always got me mad, i thought, let him have an opinion. well, now i get it, i can probably stop coloring my hair and let the gray burst forth because we're becoming "them." the audiologist said he'd talk about hearing aids in about a year but wanted all of the healing and treatment to be completely done first. matt will have another hearing test in 6 months just so they can monitor it.

the lump in matt's breast area seems to be getting bigger. we'll bring it up again at the next oncologist appointment. we're told they can go away in a few months, but they are "normal" given all of the meds matt has been on over the past 18 months. 

his smell and taste haven't come back at all. his energy isn't where it was before cancer, but it's getting there. he says he's at 85% and that always makes me laugh. i get 50% or 75%, i'm not sure what 85% is. maybe a bit more than 75%, but not quite to 100.

he's back to work at o'dark thirty. he leaves at 4am and comes home tired. he has headaches. his neck and back hurt. my mind want's to go "there" but i'm keeping those thoughts at bay and replacing them with promises from the Word. i'm attributing it all to the ever changing california weather, working again like he always did and straining to hear people. as hard as it is, we're praising God. because matt is still here. 

about 6 months ago, friends of ours invited us to join them and my brother's family for a week of camping in mammoth. it was slated for the last week of august. we said we couldn't commit as we didn't have any idea where we'd be at that time. they got our spot and told us that if matt is well, and we know he will be - come.

and we did. it was an exhausting trip with many memories made. we laughed, we ate too much, we hiked, biked, canoed, fished, talked and played. it also just so happened that we were there exactly one year to the day of matt's diagnosis.

for an entire year, august 28 was a day etched in my mind as the hardest i'd ever lived. not only did matt have cancer, but it was that day that i had to tell the kids. 

so this year on august 28, we went on a hike. what we saw at the destination was breathtaking. and so significant. we went to rainbows falls. and as we know, the rainbow signifies how He keeps His promises. i couldn't help but reflect back on the day a year earlier and all of the events that brought us to that place and that day one year later. i got to watch my matt, my brother, and matt (our friend) all dive in the icy water and swim under rainbow falls. it was the most glorious site. 

matt's next mri is october 7 at 5:15pm. we don't expect results until the following week. and then we see the surgeon a few weeks after that. 

i'm thankful for the Word. it brings me such comfort. in the one year bible, i'm reading in isaiah. about a week ago, i read how hezekiah was ill and a prophet came to him and told him, the Lord has said get your life in order, you are about to die. and it says hezekiah put his face toward the wall and prayed and wept bitterly. and the Lord said, i have heard your prayers, i have seen your tears and i will surely add to your days 15 years. 

from the day i read that, i've thought about it over and over. i don't know how many years the Lord is adding to matt's life, but i believe because so many of you prayed and wept with us, you along with me, turned your faces toward the floor pleading. and the Lord has extended matt's time. God showed us mercy, when "they" said it didn't look good. if i could hug each of you and thank you, i would. my heart is overwhelmed. 

as much as i hate the symptoms, i'm thankful for them because they bring us to a place of remembering what He has done for us and how dependent we are on Him. His Word is so alive when i open the pages, i understand what it means to have the Holy Spirit as our Comforter - isn't He though. i never ever want to forget. 

so today, we press on. we live. we laugh. we worship. we're blessed meeting people who have been praying for us. we loving hearing how God has used matt's story to touch them in some way. we're humbled He'd use us at all. thank you for the continued prayer and if you're still reading, thank you. (see matt, i told you. ha!)

and one more from mammoth. cause i can. isn't he a doll?

cancerschmancer - remission...then a lump

as many of you know, we got the good news: REMISSION!!!

it came after 11 months. behind us are many treatments, too many doctor appointments to count, medications that fill our fridge, counter and cupboard. and carrying us, are people praying, more than we could ever know on this side of heaven. we're thankful for this day.

i cried when our oncologist told us. tears of utter gratefulness to our God.
so many emotions went through my mind. thankfulness. mercy. love. knowing He allowed matt more time on this earth to complete the work He started. that's a huge responsibility too, because we know He isn't done with him. He still has a purpose to accomplish.

i feel like i've been given more time with this man i love.
and i love him. i never knew i could love him so deeply. cancer showed me. cancer showed me a lot of things.

we're given a second chance. days not afforded to everyone and i certainly didn't want to waste a moment. i want to listen to his heart beat every night, laying with my head on his chest until my neck gets a kink. i want to feel my hand in his. i want to stare into those blue eyes. i want to listen to his voice as he prays. as he shares his heart with the kids. i want to see that ornery twinkle, the way he smiles when he's about to do something that will no doubt make us all laugh. i want to live every day. intentionally, purposefully and until we're exhausted.

i don't know how many days of remission we'll have. it could be until our next doctor appointment, it could be until matt is 90. only One knows that for sure. the rest of us live day by day.

this past weekend matt had the opportunity to talk with luke, of for King & Country. he has faced serious illness over the past year and these two men met and talked for a very long time. i heard a little of what they talked about, stuck around to take a picture of the two, and then peeled off to get some work done at the crusade.

one thing luke said that i complete understand is this:
i'm ok if i never get better. i actually never want the symptoms to completely go away because i want to experience God like this forever. i never want to lose sight of Him and forget everything He has done. i agree with that.

but i want to be done. but on the other hand, luke's words went through my head. i can't experience Him so deeply without this moment by moment dependance. but i want to be done.

then monday happened. one day after this conversation.

matt discovered a lump in his right breast area. the oncologist wanted to see us asap. we got in there, she felt the lump. her look said she was concerned and she ordered tests that would take place the next day. she said nothing about matt is normal and we need to know what is going on. we can't depend on what we think we know in his case. nope, she wasn't smiling this time. she said not to worry, breast cancer in men is very rare. and then she stopped herself from saying anything else. we've all heard that before.

ugh.

an ultrasound and mammogram were ordered for tuesday morning.
 i cried again. we sat the kids down. we tried to mask our fear. we ate in n out and talked.
we laughed a bit about dad getting a mammogram. matt renamed it a "man-o-gram."the kids had questions about how exactly it would happen, being a man and all. i told them to get two books and slam them together. i laughed, matt did not. ok, he did. sorta. and the kids did.

and then we focused on what we knew. matt had a lump. that was all we knew.
we prayed. we dug into the word. it became my lifeline again. it was all so vivid and exactly what i needed. He's faithful. He has an unfailing love. He created us for such a time as this. (i'm reading esther in the old testament in the one year bible reading - how timely eh?)

and we went in for the tests. scared but at peace.
on the way in matt looked at me, he was concerned, we talked. he didn't want to start over. i told him i didn't either. but if it meant more time with him, i'd do whatever it took. he didn't share that same feelings. if it was cancer, did we have the strength to have more chemo, more radiation, another surgery and all that goes with that? i'd have to dig deep. we couldn't go there. it was all way too soon.

he had his "man-o-gram" and we waited for the doctor to come in and give us results.
they told us we didn't need the ultrasound after all. they'd call us soon.
we stayed and waited to see the doctor anyway. he was in a procedure and the wait would be long, he couldn't see us. however, when we explained the journey, we were told it was benign and the lump was given a name. we were given a paper explaining it and after quickly scanning it, we put it away and went home.

we still wait for the oncologist to get the report and give us the "what's next" but we're told its all ok. it's not urgent. it's not cancer. it may be a side effect from the steroids and chemo. it's not normal, but is explainable.

sometimes this feels like a roller coaster, not just the ups and downs, but the anticipation is almost worst than the actual ride. but its in that waiting that He becomes so real again. it's the part i never want to forget.

so for the next month, until we see the doctor, we live. we laugh. we love. we hold hands. we sit too close. we re-prioritize. we rejoice every day. we worship. we dig into His word. we look for ways to glorify Him.

we'll see the doctors every month for years. scans are every two months. and with each appointment we walk in with many questions and unknowns but we trust He has a perfect plan. this is a new normal for us.

often i'm encouraged by people who are praying for us. who have followed our story. who are facing their own battle. thank you for sharing these things with us. we're so blessed and honored you'd walk with us and pray.

cancerschmancer - the cost of cancer

it seems posts and pictures on social media as of late have possibly misled people and because my goal has been to be honest, perhaps to a fault, i'd like to clarify. if you aren't interested, feel free to stop reading - my feelings won't be hurt. talking or speculating, that's what hurts.

as i've shared, matt's cancer could show up again at any point, it's rare, it's aggressive and we won't be at rest for a very long time. years. there's a high re-occurence rate based on what they know and this kind in this location makes it the "worst of the worst."

God has done great things, we get up each morning praising Him for breath and strength and grace and a Home that He went to prepare for us. but because of what "they" say, our lives could change with any given scan or appointment. are things good today? yes, is it guaranteed for tomorrow? no. so we are living. we are taking every moment to experience life and be excited about each day, seizing opportunities to share Him and His goodness. are we too busy? maybe. but that's something we re-evaluate each day, weighing our exhaustion against our day full of memories.

and cancer is expensive. if you've walked this road, you know. if you haven't, let me tell you, tens of thousands. out of pocket. and we have good insurance. having said that, this isn't a plea for help or pity or anything even remotely close. it's simply to share that God has faithfully provided for every bill, co-pay, prescription and scan, and occasionally He provides before we even know what's to come. i'm in awe of His goodness and faithful provision. i'm convinced this was part of His plan all along. my faith lacks, i freak out, but He's teaching me. after thursday's marathon day of appointments which resulted in co-pay shock, we didn't what else to do so i smiled at matt, he smiled back and at the same time we said, you're worth it. and i'll share, because He's good like that, the kids haiti trips were fully funded less than a week after they were asked to pray about joining the team, their trip to NY was gifted to them so they could be kids again after the year they've had. my family made sure i had an amazing, memorable 40th birthday with my love.

and i share this to clear anything up and of course, if you are so inclined, we appreciate continued prayer for our family and join us in rejoicing over the little (and big) things.