cancerschmancer - the discovery

disclaimer: i've been told by many people to write this down. it's something i won't want to forget, they said. its something they wished they'd have done when they walked this road.
i'm getting behind, there are so many details, i'm overwhelmed with His goodness and no, i don't want to forget anything - so here goes...


where to begin...
3 weeks and 1 day ago, our lives changed forever.

cancer.
our home had been hit.

it began back in march or april. we were training for a half marathon and matt couldn't breathe through his nose. that's kind of important when you are running miles upon miles. but several times he had to quit mid run because his nose was stuffed up. after several visits to the doctor and urgent care and getting rounds of antibiotics, nasal sprays, steroids, cold meds, he finally got a referral to an ENT.

it was 5 weeks ago today that we saw an ENT who saw a "mass" with his naked eye. "ohhhh" was what he said. "what does that mean?" "i'd rather show you than tell you, get your camera phone out, you'll want to record this..." so i did. when he put his scope up matt's nose, we saw a very large mass. while the phone was recording, we heard him point out what we were looking at (though it was incredibly obvious) and he said, "that. right there. oh it's not cancer or anything. just a mass, a polyp" it was at that point, that matt went white. since we were there, he decided to biopsy it, you know, just to rule anything out. and meanwhile he scheduled surgery to get that thing out because no matter what it was, because it was so large it needed to be removed, but nasal cancer is so rare he said, only 1 in 100,000 people get it.

perhaps matt should play the lottery because guess what? he is just that lucky.

fast forward to august 28. the ENT called matt, yes called him, to let him know they cancelled surgery and wanted him to call an oncologist. the results showed he had "neuroendocrine poorly differentiated carcinoma." he wrote it down, then googled it to be sure he spelled it correctly and emailed me. yes, emailed me. he later said he couldn't talk and knew i needed to know.

wednesday, august 28, it was the day our world was rocked. no matter what happened from here on out, that day will be locked in my mind forever. it defines life before cancer and life after cancer.
after going through an entire box of kleenex, many hugs, people praying, my phone and inbox blowing up with love, i knew we didn't walk this road alone.

i called the kids and told them to shut their phones off until i saw them, i wanted them to hear it from us.

levi rode his bike to harvest as he does every wednesday. i met him outside and hugged him. taking a lesson from Max Lucado's message "You'll get through this" from 3 days earlier, i asked levi to tell me truths he knew about God. i asked him to tell them to me out loud. i started, God is faithful; He is loving; He is all knowing; levi said, He is in control, He never leaves us... i told him that what I was about to tell him would be the hardest thing ever but we need to remember these truths. he said, it's dad. i said yes, he got his biopsy results. levi, my unemotional one, looked me in the eyes, his eyes welled up and he started to sway. i grabbed him, pled for him to stay with me, i needed him, he needed to remember God's goodness and no matter what, His faith couldn't be shaken - he could never doubt God's will....i know there is more, but i can't continue because it breaks my heart to go there. we hugged for a while, we prayed and finally he went up to jr. high to set up the room for church.

next i went home. i had a 14 year old dying to get back to her phone. i went through the same process of conversation with taylor. she gave a great list of attributes of God, He is perfect, He gives us grace, He loves us more than we can imange... and then i told her, she broke down in uncontrollable sobs and said over and over, why my daddy, why does it have to be my daddy. my answer was i don't know but He saw it perfect to allow our family to go through this. it's His will. i told her the same thing, through this, she can cry, she can get angry, but she must never doubt God's will because it's perfect and her faith can't be shaken. we sat for a long time and cried together. she's been my tear buddy through this process. we prayed and then matt came home.

matt didn't feel good. his headaches were getting worse, his eyes were having bouts of blurriness, he had no sense of taste nor smell and he was exhausted. in our minds, the news we received just 9 hours earlier seemed to be getting worse. the cancer must be growing - because why in the world would he all of the sudden have all of these major symptoms. he'd had them all along, but now that we KNEW it was cancer, they seemed to be getting worse.

after talking and crying some more, he suggested we go to church that night - i remember saying yes, we need to; and he said, yes, because we WANT to, he's always been spiritual that way. my eyes were puffy, my nose was red, the make up i'd applied that morning had long since been wiped off with kleenex meant to wipe away only tears.

i remember three things about church that night.
i remember the worship, it was amazing. i, of course, cried through all of it, but from my heart i sang to my GOD and cried out to him. "one thing" was a song we sang twice that night, it's been my cancer anthem. one thing remains - your love never fails, it never gives up, it never runs out on me.
another thing i remember is that i looked at my beloved and he began to write notes during the message. i noticed at the top of his page, he wrote, 8/28 as the date and i thought romans 8:28 - He works ALL things together for good for those who love Him and are called according to His purpose. my mind was in a fog, but this i knew, we love him and we are called according to His purpose so that means, He'll work this together for good.
and lastly i remember that we were prayed for and hugged over and over.
going to church reminded me we are not in this alone. we have the body of Christ, we have Him and we trusted He was going to use this.

scattered...

so much to write about, yet my thoughts are all over the place, scattered. scattered by definition means, to cause to separate, go in different directions, disperse. yes, that very much describes my mind.

instead of writing, maybe i'll change the layout of the blog? i'm tired of the color. i want to learn how to insert pictures. it's that old dog new tricks thing. i got the 'how to add a link' thing figured out though, so maybe old dog isn't quite right... 

i'm not a writer, i don't journal much. if i were to write, what would i write about? this morning i thought i'd write after i got my coffee. writers always talk about how they sit by a window with their favorite mug of hot coffee. i need to move near a window as soon as i wash my favorite mug. i went to wash the mug and started cleaning up the morning dishes. then i realized that i should bake the lemon bundt cake i bought ingredients for so the kids will have a snack after school - who am i kidding, i was craving it. but first i switched the laundry, and then remembered that i needed to grab the dirty sheets off the kids' beds. out of no where, my mind went back to the kitchen, i'd better throw the rest of the chimichangas in the oven because the oven will be on anyway. and if i leave them in the fridge, they will dry out and go bad. when i grabbed the chimichangas out of the fridge, i noticed that i really needed to throw out leftovers and that led to more dishes. and taking the trash out. since i'm taking the trash out, i should collect the bathroom trashes and clean out the kitty litter.

eventually i got my cup of coffee and realized it was too warm out and i needed to make some fresh iced tea.

as soon as i get back from brewing some tea, maybe i'll figure out what to write about...

you know you're levi's mom when...(part 4)

...the class is celebrating levi's birthday and they are all encouraged to say something nice about him. you hear one kid say, once he fixed my glasses; another said, once he fixed yo-yo; and a girl said, once he shot me with a pencil gun.

...you use leaves from the tree in your yard with family members names burned in them from a magnifying glass as place cards at the thanksgiving table.

...you know that a duck strapped to a knex wagon makes a great cat toy.

...you've developed a love for geocaching because it means quality time together.

...you learn that a double barrel shotgun won't teach a boy to dance, it will blow their feet off. 

...you go across the country for a family vacation and someone there says they remember your kid from last summer.

...there's a new lava lamp in your house courtesy of a starbucks bottle, water, oil and your last bubble bath tablet. 

...you can say with confidence that cornstarch isn't flammable. however, when it's blown through a pvc pipe towards a flame, it becomes the biggest ball of fire your neighborhood has ever seen.

...you have seen with your own eyes the difference between a horse tooth and a mole tooth thanks to the library book and the teeth in the bottom of your sons drawer.

...you recover the school books because the first go around had a shirtless hollister model on them. hollister bags > stater bros bags.

...the night before an event, you're shoes are fixed; however you are informed they shouldn't be worn for 72 hours.

...you say, please don't jump off the top of the slide into the pool. in the dark.

...during bedtime prayers you open your eyes to find his hands folded and an abercrombie bag over his head.

...a pen at your desk was taken apart and made much cooler with the bamboo case he made at the beach.

...screams are heard from across the lake because he is chasing his sister with a frog he caught. 

...teeth are regularly pulled with the help of the largest nerf launcher we have.

...airsoft pellets are all over the kitchen floor because the homemade bomb went off prematurely.

...you suck something up with the vacuum that makes a horrible noise and realize it's only the airsoft pellets circling the canister.

...an empty box made from wood sits on your dresser.

...you have a ring with a rock glued to the top and you proudly wear it.

...dinner time prayers consistently include, "and help us not to get sick or hurt."

...you ask your son for help as you unclog the ice maker in the freezer door and while he's on the inside and you're on the outside looking up into it, he blows it all out. you are covered in ice flakes.

...you struggle with whether or not to let your son watch felix baumgartner parachute to earth from space because you're not sure what your son will do with this new found information.

...you coin the term "desert noodler" after your son met a boy and together they caught 4 lizards by finding a hole, sticking their hand in it and waiting for something to bite them before pulling out the critter.

... 

you know you are levi's mom when... (part 3)

this little boy, that He entrusted to us, gives such joy and entertainment. i'm in awe that HE chose US to raise this boy in the ways of the Lord. daily he provides us with laughter and at the encouragement of many friends and family, i'm writing it all down. enjoy the read while i enjoy being levi's mom...

so here you go, you know you are levi's mom when...

...you notice the top of his finger and its all scabbed up and nasty to which he replied, "what? it's fine, that happened a long time ago, besides no one else got hurt"... something about falling off the neighbor's treadmill and burning it because the treadmill kept going? 

...when you ask him to choose a sport to keep him focused and out of trouble through high school, he tells you that he will play ping-pong.

...he gives you these directions on how to get home: "mom! turn left here." "now?! ok, but i'll hit that curb." "you'll be fine, just speed up and drift."

...you plan to participate in the distance run portion of the presidential fitness testing at his school and threaten to bring a taser gun so your son will pass.

...you go in for a dental procedure by yourself and they ask about your son.

...you have this conversation on the way to school. "levi, do you believe in santa?" and he tells you "no mom, sorry, and i didn't last year either, i just went along with it for you...the Bible doesn't say anything about santa so I know he can't be real." And as much as you are disappointed, you are quite proud.

...and this conversation:

as we read this verse in luke, "and this will be the sign to you: you will find a Babe wrapped in swaddling cloths, lying in a manger" to levi, he informed me this verse was not in the Bible because Jesus WAS NOT a girl. because, duh mom, everyone knows babes are girls.

...while you are preparing dinner, he offers to help clean out the whole chicken for you and its then that you discover where the name "chicken dance" comes from.

...your son's arm goes into the chicken and he wiggles his fingers out the other end, much to the disgust of his sister.

...on a crazy windy day, he uses his umbrella and skateboard to move about the neighborhood.

...after asking what he wants for his birthday, you find yourself googling "trebuchet kits."

...you explain the college sign on the side of the road is wrong, it actually is his birthday and he is relieved that you didn’t lie to him when he woke up.

...you find yourself warning the neighbors that he now has a book entitled, "backyard ballistics."

...your parent-teacher conference goes twice as long as the allotted time.

...a week after the parent-teacher conference, the teacher thanks you for the insight and says the week has gone great now that she understands his way of thinking. 

...he uses and empty egg carton, bbq skewers, and nerf gun balls to make a catamaran and then floats it around the pool.

...you consider starting a support group for parents with sons but then re-think the idea because you may scare them.

...you are a little proud when the neighbor says that our boys were playing with her son's battery-less power wheels grave digger and your son brought it to life with a paper clip and some wire.

...you, and the rest of the parents know, thanks to your son, that it's possible to open any bottle - martinelli's in this case - with a key or lighter.

...you are told that the roll up the pants you ironed looked like huck finn and the slick, parted hair resembled jerry lewis but a wrench and greased shirt would make it look more like 50s day. 

...you later discover that the wrench you let your son take to school to complete the look for 50's day is considered a weapon and taken to the teacher's desk for safe keeping. 

...you go to the movies to watch your son watch the movie rather than watch the movie itself because seeing him laugh is so much better.

...you have to pause certain christmas movies, no matter how many times he watches them so he can catch his breath from laughing so hard.

...your son is completely occupied during a soccer game so you leave him alone only to discover he climbed so high in the tree that he couldn't get down and just fell asleep waiting for you to rescue him.

...you watch him and his dad use pvc, duct tape, nails, plastic, a torch and glue to make a blow dart and are convinced that they could survive anywhere.

...you get this note from a friend at church: "had your boy in after care today...kinda bummed he was so tired, he just sat there." are honestly, that makes you just a little bit relieved.

...he tells you that he likes to prank the ice cream man and then changes the word from prank to play. 

...he tells you that he and the neighbor kid shot "splat" balls at the ice cream man's truck and you now know why it's been quite some time since you've heard the once familiar tune coming down the street.

...in the same conversation, you learn the mail man probably would have liked to have the same choice as the ice cream man, but it's his job to visit your street every day, so you threaten your son to stay away from him.

...you find yourself explaining what statute of limitations are and there are some things it's best to wait to tell mom until you move out of the house.

...there's a big part of you that wishes you were very good at making up stories but in reality you know you are not, but He has given you a son to live the stories better than you could ever make them up. 

...you are walking through the mall and tell him that one of the pastors just bought some rounds for his gun. after he asks if what kind they were, if it was this, or that, and you don't have the answer, your son pulls a spent shell out of his pocket and says, did it look like this? 

...you put walnuts and almonds on your grocery list for baking and your son goes to the produce aisle and gets a bag of shelled nuts because they are so much fun to crack open. you discover this when you get home and start baking.

...you are incredibly proud of him because he's growing up to be just like his daddy in every way.

...your son plus 3 neighborhood boys, 1 mr. quarterback football launcher and a poor unsuspecting grasshopper means lots of hysterical laughter.

...you hear him and his sister thank Jesus that we could celebrate His birthday tomorrow when they prayed at bed time, only to see them immediately jump off the bed and run into the kitchen to get the cookies, milk and carrots to leave by the fireplace, pausing to ask if Santa was lactose intolerant and you see years of therapy ahead.

...you are pretty sure you are on Christmas movie overload because when your son asks what happens when a person buys Toms, his dad answers with, “an angel gets their wings.”

...you stop your son from tearing 3 links off of the unattended christmas countdown chain at school so that some random kid out there didn’t wake up december 22 thinking it was christmas.

...your son is asked to bring an ornament to school that represented him for an exchange and he asks if could "modify" a store-bought or "bring power to it." And you are concerned for kid on the receiving end of this.

...you discover though chocolate chip math worked with your daughter when she learned regrouping in division, your son would rather learn via amps, voltage, and ER co pays.

...you are a little confused at why the teacher said, OH BOY! when your son walked into the sunday school class but later it became clear when we picked him up and he told us he "let one" and cleared the row during chapel.

…you are sitting around a campfire, meeting dirtbike club and hear your son’s introduction: “my name is levi, i ride a honda and my mom doesn't cook.”

...you go on a road trip and your son announces that he brought his alarm clock so that he doesn't sleep in.

…you know what "goosed it" means in motorcycle terms...and a day later see the effects of it on your son’s leg.

…your husband has to replace a hose in the washer that was damaged as a result of your son's hobby of collecting things and leaving them in his pockets. tn this case, it was a sharp, stainless steel, street sweeper brush.

...at the dinner table, are you are asked, "if you have Jesus in your heart, then donate your heart when you die, does the person who gets it become a Christian?"

...your daughter insists on looking at clothes in every store and your irritated son rolls his eyes and says she wouldn't have to love clothes so much if it weren't for Adam and Eve.

...you survive another parent teacher conference but discover that your son annoys kids by blowing on them and you realize you never told him not to do that either.

...you find yourself asking why he made bird sounds in class which got him in trouble only to hear, "the teacher never told me not to."

...you discover a huge fake spider on your gas cap when you open the door to get gas.

…after hearing the family has the flu, a teacher calls to see how the family is. you tell her your son didn’t get it but she tells you it’s ok if he stays home an additional 24 hours…you know, just in case.


...

you know you are levi's mom when... part 2...

...you are introduced to the people in the dirt bike club by hearing these words around the welcome campfire, "my name is Levi, I ride a Honda and this is my mom, she doesn't cook."

...inside one of your living room walls contains an entire bag of marbles with the "shooter" plugging up the hole where wires once were.

...you give the third grade teacher a gift in hopes that she'll forget about the one your son gave to her while you were on vacation. 

...a former teacher wears a mood necklace and told you it was a gift from your son, who, upon giving the gift asked if she would wear it so that he would know what mood she is in.

...you leave the grocery store with a headache because of the hour spent sniffing deoderant so your son can smell just like his cousin.

...you go back to the store to buy spray deoderant after learning the little concave armpits don't work with the roll on deoderant that you found after spending an hour sniffing.

...the front of your house has new windows because your son was "helping his dad" and put a hammer through his bedroom window.

...you know that non dairy creamer is flammable.

...your smoke alarms are tested by the combination of hairspray and a candle. 

...rocks, screws, bullet casings and plastic things line the bottom of the washing machine after each load of laundry.

...your DVR is full of Discovery and History shows.

...the walls of the shower are covered in soap because in order to wash his back, he must first lather up the wall.

...you find your tent stake on the side of the house along with wire and a walnut and have to ask your son what he plans to do once he catches the neighborhood squirrel.

...you hear a confession but it's followed up by, "it's ok mom, it was before I knew the 10 Commandments."

...you research how to get a patent at the request of your son because of the idea that is coming to fruition on the garage.

...your son has been called MacGuyver by more than one person because of his creative ideas.

...you don't ask why he has the zip kicker and superglue out, you just hope nothing gets stuck together that shouldn't be stuck together.

...you know that a coffee stir straw, wire, sewing needle, 4 corners of construction paper, super glue and zip kicker can make a blow dart.

you know you are levi's mom when... (part 1)

...the owner of a local restaurant wants you talk to you about the incident between your son and their mascot.

...wooden snakes appear under your pillow and coming out from under the bed.

...whittled wood turned into crosses appear on your nightstand.

...you call dad to do the underwear check on the soccer field because all of the clothes that were laid out for the day are gone....except the underwear, which are still on the floor.

...you have jars full of i love you rocks because your little boy decided years ago to give a rock rather than utter those 3 words.

...you cringe when someone says, "ohhhhh! so you are levi's mom!"

...frequently you hear, "mrs. jarrett, i need to speak with you for a minute."

...another parent tells you that she remembers her daughters first day of preschool because levi pushed her 4 year old's face into a frosted cookie.

...you find a paper that has instructions copied down on how to make a match rocket and discover this information was in a book in the depths of the school library and no one knew it existed, but your son found it.

...you box your sons room up entirely as a discipline measure and discover he's perfectly content playing with a paperclip.

...you apologize to your neighbor for the pvc caps that litter their backyard because your son is experimenting with pvc pipes, caps, a switch and hose pressure.

...the dentist puts the box of gloves in a hidden cabinet.

...you go to work with hot wheels and army men hidden in the hood of your sweater.

...dinner table rules include wearing a shirt.

...you walk into a dark house with an armfull of grocery bags only to be ambushed by nerf darts.

...you are encouraged to write a book of "levi-isms."

...you save on urgent care co-pays because days later you discover electrical tape "kept that thing shut."

...every night, no matter how big he gets, you still have to "squish him" once he's in bed.

...you sleep with the house alarm on, not so much to keep people out, but to keep levi in.

...your daughter keeps her hamster cage locked because levi once took it for a spin through the house in his rc jeep.

...the school pastor called you to discuss the fact that levi threatened a kid on the playground not to show his twig and berries ever again.

...putting a packed lunch in his backpack scares you half to death when you discover inside the backpack is a live blue belly lizard along with a grasshopper each in zip lock baggies...because dad said it was ok.

...you've left turner's without making a purchase because your son asked a question to the man at the gun counter that brought four more employees out of the back room. all shaking their heads, laughing and saying, "no, son, those are illegal."

...you hear these words at the dinner time prayer, "Lord, thank you for this food, please help us not to get sick. in Jesus name, amen."

...you are reading dr. dobson's book, "bringing up boys" not just because you hear it's a good read.

...you choose battles, love deeper, pray harder.

"myrrh? myrrh? why didn't jesus get a bike"

christmas seems to arrive earlier and earlier, while it seems that i begin my prep later and later. it's november 29 and i'm pretty sure i'm the only one on the planet without lights on the house, decorations displayed and a tree in place. i didn't go out shopping on black friday and don't plan to take part in cyber monday. i'm not a scrooge or grinch, i like christmas and all that december brings, i just like to enjoy thanksgiving to it's fullest. my goal by the weekend is to at least have a shopping list in place. maybe i won't feel so behind this way.


when they were little we explained the story of Jesus' birth and began giving the kids three gifts each. that's how many Jesus received. since it's His birthday we celebrate, why should we get any more? this gives the kids realistic expectations and gives us limitations in shopping.


when levi was about 3 years old we were driving down the street and i, once again was reminding him of the birth story and why he would receive three gifts. when i explained to him what jesus received after His birth, levi said, "myrrh? myrrh? why didn't jesus get a bike?" that year, levi got a bike.


as the kids have gotten a little bit older, they still receive three gifts at christmas. as we drive down the road we still talk about the story of the birth.


now, to start that shopping list...