cancerschmancer - update - a long update

it's been a while since i've written a complete update, so here's the latest.
seems nothing has changed.
yet everything has changed.
my mind and emotions are all over the map. thank God He is steadfast

a few weeks ago matt went to city of hope for another opinion. though we can't get treatment there, we were curious what they thought. they agreed it's rare and it's aggressive. they also confirmed everything that riverside medical is doing. they had their tumor board review matt's case and agreed we are on the right track. they also said the tumor is up against the orbital bone but it isn't eroding it. that was a huge surprise and answer to prayer. we've since found out from them that there is no "standard of care" for this cancer. i'm still not sure how to even respond to that. ok, so what do we do now?

then, per our request for a referral out, we went to uci. jamie, our cancer liaison and friend went with us. she asked a lot of questions. later we discuss everything, prayed, and decided to stay the course. we will stick with getting treatment at riverside medical. we didn't like a lot of what that oncologist at uci said and her opinion and thoughts on treatment conflicted what we had previously heard. the uci oncologist has seen 6 or 7 patients; coh has seen about 10 and rmc has seen 3. so we figured no on really has much experience but if coh and rmc have seen twice the number, we'll stick with where we are. plus we really like our oncologist at riverside medical. having said that, our surgeon is from uci and has coming highly recommended from both rmc and coh and we understand he has experience doing surgery with this cancer in this location. we don't know how many cases he has seen. (i say i'm experienced in running half marathons, i've run 3.) lets hope when he says he has experience, he isn't using the word like i do. but then again, this is rare right? sigh...

last friday, matt had two mris and monday we got the call that the tumor was half of its original size, it was the size of a lime. now he has half a lime? ok, maybe more like a walnut? anyway, that was amazing news, we rejoiced, we cried, we thanked God.

and that changes things again.

with that news, the radiation oncologist, who, have i mentioned looks like kramer? he's tall, thin and has wild hair...i told matt i expect him to slide into the room and say, jerry!!! but back to the point...he is changing the radiation method. he's happy with the shrinkage but the tumor is still near the optic nerve so he wants to use a different type of radiation so he doesn't damage the nerve. he is also being more specific with how he hits the tumor. he said the more radiation, the more risk of damage. he told matt that there are about 14 more scheduled treatments but i suppose that will depend on surgery? (more on that below) the radiation mask is a bit more loose and they asked if matt is losing weight...he said it's just that his hair is gone now but if they want him to go grab his toupee, he's happy to do that. they laughed.

the chemo cocktail is also changing because matt is having increasingly more ringing in his hears and they are concerned it could become permanent if he continues with the same chemo treatment. he has an appointment on monday to check his hearing. perhaps they can also check the selective hearing that comes with being married almost 20 years? wait, did i just say that?

the oncologist also said that there's a chance that when we see the surgeon at uci on the 18th, he could schedule surgery sooner rather than later and chemo (scheduled for the 21st) could be cancelled. they want to do surgery soon so they can stop the radiation. matt will still have more chemo after surgery, we don't know how much or which method (oral or iv) but we're told he'll have a few rounds. we think that surgery will be through the nose rather than cutting but that will also be confirmed the 18th.

matt still has thrush, he's on meds and has lost a few pounds. they are concerned with the weight loss and want him to bulk up. he can't afford to lose much weight. he's already lost 6 lbs in a week but he had chemo and with the painful sores, it's understandable, just not ideal. because of the thrush, he craves watermelon. and watermelon is pretty much out of season. when he sees one (and usually there's only one!) at the store, he runs to it and grabs it. so if you are eyeing it and matt is around, act fast or you are out of luck. you've been warned.

so how are we doing? the kids are both doing ok. just ok. they are struggling at school. it's an adjustment, new programs, new schools, and new things going on at home. their minds are easily distracted. they are both talking more to us about the cancer and what they see God doing in it. they pray daily for daddy to be healed. they pray for opportunities to share Jesus because of the cancer. and they pray that no matter what He decides to do in this, heal daddy here on earth or in heaven, He would be glorified. tonight taylor prayed over dinner and said, "Lord, we'll praise You in the storm." (another reason for my tears.)

and how am i?
i'm tired. i'm weary. i'm emotionally drained. we live a busy life with work, church and lots of activities going on, it's natural to feel this way. people continue to bless us. i've cooked dinner once; my house has been cleaned; the lawn is kept up; friends run errands for us and get the kids where they need to be. the doctor appointments; phone calls, homework with the kids, etc. wear me out. it's emotional. i've made it one day with out crying and it's been 44 days. i don't cry all day every day; it's just that something each day gets me. usually an unexpected blessing, but sometimes it's just a lot. the highs are high and the lows are low. i didn't expect matt's bald head to be hard for me but it is. harder than i thought. it's a visible reminder that cancer is in our home. when i see him, i see cancer. the Lord is showing me areas where i am weak and i need to rely on Him in all things.

my role right now is to help the kids and matt get through this. as much as i tell matt that we can make this somehow about me, it's not. (gasp!) the Lord called me to be his helpmate and i want to be the best helpmate i can and honor Him in it.
because it's good for all of us, i reluctantly do things for me. and i work. and i go to women's bible study each week. i'll be ok. He is our strength. we draw from Him daily.

this is a long, hard road - it's not a road i'd detour from if i had the choice because what He is doing is far better than we could have expected or anticipated. (i used to think only crazy people said that!)
we don't have an end in sight. it could be six months; it could be a year; could be more; could be less; we have no idea. but then we aren't promised tomorrow are we? so we try to live intentionally, we make the most of each day. we hug tighter, we say i love you more often, and we laugh harder and more frequently.

we still add to our hope pile daily, His word brings life. it gives strength when we have none left.

again, He is so good.

so that's the update, if you are still reading, you deserve an ice cream.

cancerschmancer - let's eat

as i've mentioned, our family, friends, and the body of Christ have come up along side us through this process. needs have been met, most of these needs are met even before we even know that we have a need.

that's just how good God is. we are often in awe because of the goodness and love He shows us.

every day i am excited to see what He is going to do that day because i know something will happen that is totally unexpected - it's happened every day for the past 39 days.

every day since cancer entered our home.

i hesitate to mention or publicly thank people by name for a few reasons.
first, their reward is in heaven. i believe people are coming along side of us because He has placed it on their hearts, not because they want a public thank you.
second, we are blessed with a lot of people doing things for us - some we know of; others we will never know on this side of heaven. (by the way, anonymous things both bless me and drive me crazy, i want to know who was here!! yet, my heart is full every time!)
third, there are too many people to mention and i don't want to miss anyone.
fourth, many people are praying. some wake up at 3am to pray and some even stay up all night to pray,  and there are people we don't know who have heard of my beloved and they are praying. all of the prayer is invaluable.

finally, the reward is in heaven.

having said that, there is one thing.
one very big thing.

dinner.

in the very beginning, a friend came to me and said dinners have been set up through the next month. past tense. as in it was already done and there was no need in arguing.
i didn't realize at that moment what a huge blessing that would be.


with cancer comes changes.
one immediate, specific change we made was eating.
sugar feeds cancer so that was cut out right away. matt needs nutrition, vitamins, and whole foods. what he eats, needs to count, especially because he doesn't always feel like eating and weight loss and dehydration, we've learned, are a huge risk.

anyone who knows me knows i am not the best cook. i do pride myself in being the processed food queen. but then who doesn't feed their family things that are quick, easy and convenient?
it's 2013. we're busy. we eat on the go.

this eating right thing is all new to me.

we started shopping at trader joes and in that tiny little store, i'll admit, i was lost. it's a good thing that people are bringing dinner because if it was up to me, we'd all die. but not from cancer, it would be starvation that would kill us.

the obvious reason it was a blessing to have dinners brought to us was so i wouldn't have to prepare dinner. (duh, right?) it helps us with time. suddenly our lives have become very busy with phone calls, doctor appointments, various treatments, church, working, running kids everywhere and the list goes on and on.

what i didn't realize that the mental part of dinner was also removed. i no longer had to think about what to make. or if i had everything on hand. not to mention, wondering if is it even good for matt to eat.

another huge blessing is that i'm learning that we can eat healthy using "normal" foods that we love. it just doesn't have to be fried or paired with something unhealthy on the side. this has been an amazing eye opening experience.

we are thankful.

i've noticed that the smoke alarm hasn't encouraged me with the jarrett anthem in 39 days!

and just yesterday at the table, we were eating dinner that had just been brought over and the conversation went like this:

taylor: this is so good mom!
me: yes it is. i think i'm going to cry the day i have to start cooking again.
levi: me too mom, me too.
me: ................


*as a side note, i've since been told that we won't cook until this thing is over. i only know who is organizing this but i'm not sure who has been contacted or who has offered to bring us dinner, but if you are part of this, thank you from the bottom of our very full hearts.
meal train for the jarretts

once again, God is so good.

cancerschmancer - one of those days

today was a rough day, they happen. they have happened and they will happen. we're human. we laugh. we cry. we deal. i'm going on too many days with too little sleep and having too many emotions. today is just one of those days.

today we went to our new oncologist, she has a long name that i can't pronounce. she is a specialist at uci, she only sees the hard cases, she never has a "normal" cancer come through her office.
she confirmed what we already knew. this is rare. this is aggressive. she has only seen 6 or 7 patients with this kind of cancer. the problem is that this is a rare place for cancer and rare type of cancer. we have the best (or worst?) of both worlds since matt has this rare cancer in this rare place. again, 1 in 100,000. i told him he's taking one for the team since no one else we will ever know will get this cancer, in this place.

the new oncologist asked many questions that seemed irrelevant but obviously had a purpose in her mind. as it turns out, they are researching this cancer in this place. it is not hereditary so our kids are safe from it, it's more environmental and is found primarily in asians - in fact i believe she's only seen it in asians. matt told her that explains it as he loves chinese food. she smirked, i'm not sure she laughed, but he did and that's what matters.

for treatment, she said would have chosen a more aggressive treatment, a cocktail of chemo but she said since what we are in the middle of a plan, it's best to continue on. once we finish this course of treatment, we can start going to her. for now, she'll send our biopsy in for further testing to see if they can identify mutated genes and hit those specifically with the next round of chemo. until then, we continue with the current chemo, radiation and we'll go back to see her early november. she isn't sure when (or if) surgery will happen. she confirmed what everyone else has said - we have a long road ahead of us.

matt's hair started to really thin so he decided today was the day. the kids had fun shaving matts head. taylor gave him a reverse faux hawk, levi shaved an m in the back of his dad's head. when matt was diagnosed, taylor decided when her daddy said it was time for his head to be shaved, she was cutting her hair and donating it. she printed and filled out the form, she is donating her hair to locks of love.

yes, it's a hard day for this wife and mom. not because of their hair but because of what it represents.

tomorrow taylor turns 15, she has a new, gorgeous look and a reason for this new look. her daddy has cancer.
i can't guarantee i'll be tear free tomorrow. i haven't had a tear free day since the diagnosis. perhaps one day.

in the mean time, we recognize hard days happen. and when they do, we remember He was human; He wept; He asked for this cup to pass; He said, not my will but Yours.

cancerschmancer - dont be a grace robber

so it's been 27 days since cancer entered our home. i was never one to count days after an event but now i see that when something so significant happens, it's hard to ignore it. 28 days ago we had no idea what we were about to experience, good and bad. joyful and tearful. through it all, God has been faithful over and over. our prayer is that we will have a lot more days ahead of us post cancer than we do pre cancer. but only He knows.

people praying is the best thing ever. we've been prayed over and loved in abundance and we are incredibly thankful.

another one of the ways that the Lord has ministered to us is through the body of Christ. since day 1, we have not gone a single day - not one - without some sort of surprise reminding us that we don't take this journey alone. often times these things arrive before we even know that we need them and then when the need arises, it has already been met. twice taylor and i prayed for something very specific and told no one. within days there it was. more tears of thankfulness.

some days its a text or email.
a card in the mail.
a blender.
dinner.
gift cards.
the lawn being mowed.
cupcakes.
a book.
a cancer organizer.
flowers.
a notecard with a verse for our hope pile.
a letter.
a worship cd.
coffee.
a journal.
a mint plant (which i killed - sorry!)
magazines for chemo.
protein powder.
ginger root for nausea.
a blanket for chemo.

the list goes on and on.

every single thing we have received has brought me to tears. i have yet to have one whole tear free day, i won't give up though!

it's hard for us to receive. one of the many many lessons we are learning in this is that it's ok to accept help and gifts because the giver is as blessed to give as we are in receiving.

one day in the beginning a friend tried to do something for us and i said no, it's ok. i can take care of it and she looked at me and in her best mom voice, she said, "don't be a grace robber." did i cry? yes. (no shocker there!) and she went on to do that thing she knew we needed. by doing it ourselves we are robbing them the opportunity to be His hand and feet and show us grace.

over and over the Lord has ministered to those words to my heart when my knee jerk reaction is to say no, we are ok - when in my heart it's a lie. i'm not ok. i can't do that. i can't make dinner or drive the kids or run to the store or ... but because we are trained to be independent and do it ourselves, we in effect become grace robbers.

i now look forward to each new day because i know blessings are waiting. and each time we are blessed by something - anything - we look at each other and say, God is good.

cancershmancer - the will of God

this morning a friend and respected teacher of the Word asked how we are doing. he said that when people say,"He never gives us more than we can handle" it isn't exactly the truth. sometimes He DOES give us more than we can handle so that we depend on Him even more.

i think i had an ah-ha! moment. it made so much sense because guess what? i feel like this is indeed more than i can handle. i've even said, can't handle this. i'm over here Lord, tapping out. (that's some insight to my deep prayer life!)

because people have said this to me, and believe me, they have, and it feels like more than i can handle sometimes, i guess that means my faith lacks right? and i doubt so i must be an immature christian. because certainly… this is more than i can handle. 

but then because of this, there’s desperate dependence. i can’t handle it on my own, but with Him, i can handle it. 
with Him, i can make it another day, i can make it another moment. when we cling to Him with everything, it’s then that we are able to continue.

later in the day, another sweet friend of mine sent me a text saying she is praying for us and then said when she thinks about us, she’s reminded of this, “the will of God will never take you where the grace of God can’t keep you” she later found the entire poem and sent it too.

the will of God

the will of God will never take you,
where the grace of God cannot keep you,
where the arms of God cannot support you,
where the riches of God cannot supply your needs,
where the power of God cannot endow you.

the will of God will never take you,
where the Spirit of God cannot work through you,
where the wisdom of God cannot teach you,
where the army of God cannot protect you,
where the hands of God cannot mold you.

the will of God will never take you,
where the love of God cannot enfold you,
where the mercies of God cannot sustain you,
where the peace of God cannot calm your fears,
where the authority of God cannot overrule for you.

the will of God will never take you,
where the comfort of God cannot dry your tears,
where the Word of God cannot feed you,
where the miracles of God cannot be done for you,
where the omnipresence of God cannot find you

sigh...
amen?!

we know that the cancer in our home right now is the will of God. we know this is the road He wants us to walk; it’s the journey He has called our family to take. BUT we aren’t alone, He is with us every step because He’s a good God like that.

these two friends, who have no idea about each other, are two of many who have been used by the Lord to speak to my heart. neither, i’m sure, had any idea of the impact they would make on my day and the perspective i now have. i’m encouraged and challenged that when the Lord asks me to share with someone, may i be willing to do it because it just might make a difference and that word fitly spoken, as it says in proverbs 25:11 could be exactly what they need.

cancerschmancer - lift

taking a break from catching up and moving on to the here and now....for now.

today after dropping kids off at school, matt suggested we grab a cup of coffee at lift, they have their fall flavors he said. naturally, i thought that was a good idea. two of my favorite things ever are matt and coffee. and most of the time in exactly that order.

we headed into lift, the new local coffee establishment, known for it's amazing coffee, great staff, trendy look and really cool all around vibe. we ordered our coffee and pastries and the barista rang it up, smiled and then said it's taken care of. i'm sorry, what? he said again, it's been taken care of and has been for a long time. he smiled and went on to get our drinks.

we sat at one of the cool tables, we sipped and talked. and of course, like any lift regular, i snapped a picture and instagrammed it because that's what you do at lift.

we spent about two hours there, sitting, talking and once in a while saying hi and chatting with other customers that we recognized from harvest. lift reminds me of cheers, only without norm. it's a friendly, everybody knows everybody kind of place.

here's an excerpt from our conversation, (yes, it was a deep one!)
matt: how's your coffee?
me: good, it's sweet and very strong.
him: ah, just like me.

yes, matt, just like you.

as we were about to leave a woman walked by and smiled, i smiled back. everyone smiles there. she waved, so i waved. as matt and i were putting our cups away, she called my name. i didn't recognize her but i walked over. she introduced herself as the wife of someone we knew a few years back and said she heard about my husband and her family has been praying for us. she asked how we are doing. finally we hugged and as we parted ways, we both had tears in our eyes.

i thought about two particular things, the name lift is so perfect. i walked out completely "lifted." among many other people we saw, i got to meet a woman who has been holding our arms up in battle as aaron and hur did for moses.

another thing that came to mind is that someone, at some time, covered the cost of our drinks. it was done long ago they said, it's covered. it reminded me of salvation. our coffee, just like the price of our sins, was paid long ago. to us it's free and undeserved - the price was paid.

reminds me of the great casting crowns song, Glorious Day

"living he loved me, dying he saved me
buried He carried my sins far away
rising He justified freely forever
one day He's coming
oh glorious day"


the body of christ is magnificent.

ps - whoever it was that covered our coffee, thank you. once again, we are in awe and so very blessed.

cancerschmancer - the Word

through this process, the Word has become so alive. during my quiet time, the application and practical "do this" jumps out at me. maybe because i'm searching so much more intently for minute by minute strength. however, i believe when you give Him time, He speaks to your heart. with this journey before us, we want to focus on his goodness and use it as an opportunity. we know that no matter the season or size of the trial, the Word of God is living and true and brings breath and life.

i'm going through the psalms in my devotional time and recently i've begun learning to pray differently, from the cry of my heart. not using words or phrases i think He wants to hear from me, but from the deepest part of my being. those psalmists prayed in a way i've never noticed before. the Word also brings strength for that day. it's so alive.

two days after the diagnosis, on august 30, i read psalm 69:13-16, and the verses 29 says, "but i am poor and sorrowful;...i will praise the name of God with a song." He wants us to worship Him.

the next day, psalm 70:5 says, "You are my help and my delivery; o Lord, do not delay."

on sept. 2, i was in psalm 73. verse 16-17 says, "when i thought how to understand this, it was too painful for me - until i went into the sanctuary of God; then i understood their end."

verse 21-28 continue with things like, my heart was greived, i was vexed, foolish, ignorant, nevertheless i am with You, you hold me, guide me and afterward receive me to Your glory....my flesh and my heart fail; but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever...but it is good for me to draw near to God; i have put my trust in the Lord God, that i may declare all Your works."

but some of my favorite verses during my quiet time came from psalm 84, "for a day in Your courts is better than a thousand." and then he says, "no good thing will He withhold from those who walk uprightly." being with Him is the best thing yet. His promises are true, they bring life.

there are so many great truths, daily He speaks to my heart and gives me what i need for that day. we need to be with Him daily to get a new filling.

i began reading streams in the desert each morning in addition to reading my bible. here are a few things He has spoken to my heart...

one in particular went so perfectly with what i read in psalm 84 one morning, "no good thing will He withhold from those who walk uprightly." 

"He is the LORD; let him do what is good in his eyes.

1 samuel 3:18

if i see God in everything, He will calm and color everything i see! perhaps the circumstances causing my sorrows will not be removed and my situation will remain the same, but if Christ is brought into my grief and gloom as my Lord and Master, He will "surround me with songs of deliverance" (Ps 32:7). to see Him and to be sure that His wisdom and power never fail and His love never changes, to know that even His most distressing dealings with me are for my deepest spiritual gain, is to be able to say in the midst of bereavement, sorrow, pain, and loss, The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away; may the name of the LORD be praised. Job 1:21."


He knows what is best for us and what a peace we have in knowing that no matter the outcome of any situation or trial He walks us through, He is God and He's got this.


another day, as i read in streams, i couldn't help but think that cancer isn't the "cross" i would choose for us. but then again, i probably wouldn't choose any cross for us. but He knows best. we all have a cross that is painful, heavy and uncomfortable, but as we lay them on our shoulder, my hope is that through it, He'd draw us close to Him, and in time we'd be of greater use to others.

and then i read this in streams...

"if anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. mark 8:34

the cross that my Lord calls me to carry may assume many different shapes. i may have to be content with mundane tasks in a limited area of service, when i may believe my abilities are suited for much greater work. i may be required to continually cultivate the same field year after year, even though it yields no harvest whatsoever. i may be asked of God to nurture kind and loving thoughts about the very person who has wronged me and to speak gently to him, take his side when others oppose him, and bestow sympathy and comfort to him. i may have to openly testify of my Master before those who do not want to be reminded of Him or His claims. and i may be called to walk through this world with a bright, smiling face while my heart is breaking.

yes, there are many crosses, and every one of them is heavy and painful. And it is unlikely that I would seek out even one of them on my own. yet Jesus is never as near to me as when i lift my cross, lay it submissively on my shoulder, and welcome it with a patient and uncomplaining spirit.

He draws close to me in order to mature my wisdom, deepen my peace, increase my courage, and supplement my power. all this He does so that through the very experience that is so painful and distressing to me, i will be of greater use to others."

as I read that day, i could relate to the psalmist who said he was troubled, his spirit was overwhelmed, he couldn't speak but as he meditated in his heart and searched, he saw the Lord is favorable, merciful, gracious, and His promises don't fail. he remembered the wonders of old, thought about all he knew to be true, declared His strength among people.

His word is true. it's alive. it's the very breath we breathe.