cancerschmancer - latest update

last week matt finished his first round of chemo. first round post surgery. fifth round since the diagnosis.
it knocked him.
badly.

monday and tuesday he was ok after chemo. but after wednesday's treatment - there was a significant change. he wasn't in pain, he wasn't nauseaus, aside from saying he was tired and really miserable, he couldn't describe it. a few days later he finally said it felt like the chemo was killing him and it felt like he had battery acid flowing through his veins, he didn't feel good from head to toe.

that knocked me.

he says he doesn't know how he'll do the next two rounds. i don't know either. but if you asked me almost 6 months ago how we'd walk this cancer road, i couldn't tell you then.

today, i say we can face tomorrow armed with His grace, mercy and strength; we're clinging to Him with desperate dependence. and that's how we'll face the next chemo round. aside from that, i really don't know either. i just know we will.

i have a nasty cold so we're trying to distance ourselves from each other. mine has to run it's course and i'm on day 6. if you think about it, please pray for matt...his immune system is really shot right now and the last thing he needs to be fighting is a stupid cold. clorox is our friend. everything is getting wiped down. often.

this is how we spent valentines day - we're oh so romantic. i wish we were kidding. sigh...

going into this week was freeing. though i still don't feel well, matt is starting to feel good again.
he has neuropathy, the ringing in his ears is bad, he can't smell much, can't taste much (so when i oversalt something, no one cares!) and this chemo is causing his hair to fall out - all of his hair. soon he won't have eyebrows but the good news is we'll be able to draw his eyebrows on depending on his mood. we're looking forward to that. stay tuned for pictures.
and his legs will resemble those of an athlete - we'll find the positives and humor in all of it.

so this week is the first week in months that we didn't have any doctor appointments. it feels like forever since we've gone a week without having something lined up.

and then they called.

matt is scheduled for an mri this thursday. they want it "asap." i asked what exactly "asap" means in the medical world. i know stat means within hours and the results are given within hours. i know this because every other test he's had was ordered "stat." asap means exactly that, as soon as possible. in matt's case, it was scheduled to take place within 48 hours. not bad. i hope the results come in just as quickly. the waiting kills me. literally causes anxiety because i know the information is there. i just don't know what the information is. the waiting is just. so. hard.

this will be the first "true" mri since surgery. he had one as they were finishing up the surgery but at that point the radiation was still active and they couldn't get a real accurate reading on what was going on - though they said it was good.

radiation is now completely out of his system and he's 5 weeks post-op so this one will tell us a lot. in fact, this mri determines our future. fortunately He already knows our future. He walks before us. He knew this before time began. and in that we can rest.

so where do we stand now...
if the mri is clear and no cancer is detected, matt will have chemo again march 3-5 and again march 24-26 and then we're done. at least done with treatment. but matt will have scans often for the next few years.

if the mri isn't clear, i assume they'll do a pet scan to check the rest of his body and then matt will have either chemo or more surgery. our oncologist continues to consult with the city of hope doctors because remember, this is rare and aggressive. i'm reminded of proverbs 15:22, "without counsel, plans go awry, but in the multitude of counselors they are established." so though we don't understand their discussions or conversations, we trust they know what they are doing when they all agree on a plan.

this morning in the one year bible we read psalm 37:1-11 and there was some great practical instruction for me. i love how timely this is.
don't fret
trust in the Lord
do good
feed on His faithfulness
delight in Him
commit your way to Him
trust in Him
rest in the Lord
wait patiently for Him
don't fret (did you notice that's there twice!!)
cease from anger
don't fret (oh look, three times!)
the meek shall inherit the earth and they shall delight themselves in the abundance of peace

so with that, we rest in Him, in His perfect plan for us and continue to look for opportunities to glorify Him in this. we thank you for praying and walking this road with us.

one of these days, i'll let myself get back to the surgery day and share about that. frankly though, my emotions aren't ready to go there.

cancerschmancer - update

hi friends, for those of you interested in where we are…here's an update…a very long update….

matt is really tired as he recovers from surgery; he is still trying to work as much as possible and fits in his daily naps between job walks, meetings and phone calls. working full time exhausts him but he has a hard time being still for too long. we have yet to find the balance. he says he has slowed down; i asked compared to what? his work ethic is truly one of the things i love about him - i can't complain.

this may be tmi - feel free to skip this part…
yesterday we saw dr. b, he's the surgeon who took point on the surgery. it was the first time we've seen him as he's been out of the country since we were in the hospital. he put a camera up matt's nose and told matt to blink. he was checking where they biopsied the optic nerve wall and said it was strong - i'll admit, that was weird, yet pretty cool. then he took the silicone sheets out of matt's nose. there was one at the base and then one way, (way!) further up, they were holding "things" together and protecting areas while matt healed because apparently the septum and some other bone and/or flap (?) in there had to be removed because the cancer had gotten to them. we didn't know that until yesterday. matt said he felt like the doctor touched his brain…that very well could have happened. are you crunching up your toes too??

anyway, aside from being really sore and having eye/head pain, matt is hanging in there. the surgeon confirmed surgery went well. he said it was longer than he anticipated but it went well - all things considered.

he reminded us yesterday that because this is an aggressive cancer we have to hit it hard and take the maximum amount of chemo they are willing to do. no matter how many time we've heard that, the words "aggressive cancer" still make me feel like i've hit a brick wall. my knees still go weak and it's hard to breathe - you'd think after 5+ months, i'd be used to those two words. but no. it's the reality. so it's back to taking every thought captive, thinking on whatsoever things are true, clinging to my hope pile from the Word of God and listening to worship around the clock. it's a moment by moment by moment surrender.

i know that my God loves my matt far more than anyone else ever could. He allowed this. He walks with us. and He desires to be glorified in it. i really can't complain when i think about it that way. so we press on.

thank you for loving us, thank you for continuing to provide meals - (for those of you who have asked, click here: meal train); and most importantly, thank you for praying.

here's a picture from the waiting room of the surgeon's office. someone should have finished their coffee. 

yes he was really sleeping.

cancerschmancer - world cancer day

so february 4 was world cancer day.
here are some things I've learned in the past 161 days.

our lives here on earth are temporary; we are here for a short time and Heaven is our goal - that perspective changes the way we live.

iphones learn to autocorrect words like radiation, oncologist, chemotherapy, surgery, surgeons.

people say the darndest (and meanest) things.

it's ok not to understand the big words the doctors use as long as they understand what they are saying - and they understand what they are doing.

trust: trust doctors, trust meds but most importantly, trust Him.

acidic foods like oranges, pineapple and tomatoes are bad; broths, crackers and ginger ale are good.

ask for help. when people offer, take them up on it.

there is nothing better than worshipping loudly and tearfully with your children, knowing He's doing a great work in their hearts - and ours.

surround yourself with people who pray BIG - and thank God that these people have chosen to surround you.

start a Hope Pile - write scripture down on notecards and post it where you'll see it; put the cards in your pocket, in your purse, tape them on your mirror, your kitchen table and at the sink.

anonymous drop offs and unannounced visits are the best.

the condition of the house no longer matters. if you come over and there's laundry, i might let you fold it.

dishes in the sink mean we've been busy eating and spending time doing more important things. i've learned not to sweat it.

there are lots of cool gadgets and tools in the procedure rooms and the doctors rarely notice if they are moved.

it's rare, but is possible, to make a doctor or surgeon laugh.

30 radiation treatments cost more than my house.

wigs are awesome; especially mullet wigs in chemo rooms and hospital rooms.

choose battles - some things, like bed times just aren't important but ice cream for dinner is.

kids are a lot stronger and more resilient than we give them credit for. it's ok to let them know the whole truth because He is growing them in this too. they are being changed.

uncontrollable laughter in the most awkward, inappropriate situations is the best.

prayer changes things; it renews hope; it gives you legs to stand on and air to breathe.

when you pray that He'll take you deeper, strengthen your faith and give you a burning desire for Him, He accomplishes it how He deems perfect without regard to how we might feel.

and i've learned God is so good. all of the time.

cancerschmancer - the chemo room and james

let me first preface this post by saying, i know it's been a while and there are a lot of surgery details and appointments that i've missed sharing. i'll get to those; however, i wanted to write about our buddy james today, before i forget. this is one man i want to remember when we look back on the "microphone" opportunities.

we listened to one of our friend's teach at harvest oc last week. you can listen to it here. "the family is a microphone" basically the message was about using every opportunity we're given to share the Lord. we are a microphone for Him. while i'm still mulling over all that i learned, matt is putting it into practice.

today we went to chemo. it was the first of three days. because matt went to work at 4:30am and got home as i was leaving for work, we decided we'd go through our one year bible reading together as we sat through chemo. having no idea what divine appointment would be ahead because of this "inconvenience."

we walked into chemo at 1pm, our normal chair wasn't available, the nerve of another patient. so we sat elsewhere. as the room cleared out and patients left, it got quiet, we began to read. not long after, an older "uncle Si" looking and sounding man sat in the chair next to us. i was planted between matt and this man. he came in a wheelchair. he was frail, we later learned he was 75 and had been widowed twice. as we read, he asked what we were reading. he said he read his scriptures at night. has a hard time falling asleep he said. he told us he loves Jesus and his Father, that's God you know. we smiled and said we do too. once he said he wished i had a microphone so he could hear me read better. he leaned as far over to the side of his chair as he could to hear as we went through exodus, matthew, psalms and proverbs. some times his eyes were shut, other times he just watched us and listened.

as the nurse poked his veins, she couldn't get the iv in. she moved to the other side and matt smiled and said, i'll pray she gets it the first try. she did. james, we learned was his name, looked over at us and said, why didn't you pray that the first time? matt smiled and that began a 3 hour conversation.

they talked about why his finger was missing, they talked about how he won a his belt buckel at the rodeo. matt told him how i was in a rodeo too. when james showed interest in that, matt told him proudly that his wife, nodding to me, put boxers on a calf at a rodeo on norco. (true story, but i digress, this is about matt and james...) the nurses laughed. they talked about his two wives and how they died. cancer. he didn't know when his last treatment would be, they haven't told him, he said they want to put a port in him because his veins are just too small anymore. matt offered him snacks and they kept talking. they talked about the history channel, the mynah bird he has at home, his son and how he is a great-great grandfather. they talked about anything and everything. eventually they talked about what churches they attend. matt said harvest, he said the lds church up the street. they talked about james' next treatment, it's in three weeks, matt will be there then too.

finally our time was up. matt got unhooked from his iv and went to use the restroom. james' machine went off but he stayed there in his chair. when matt came back, he asked, matt, will you pray for me? matt didn't hesitate.

in that very moment, do you suppose his eternity changed? we won't know for sure on this side of heaven. they didn't pray the sinner's prayer - per say, but james wanted what he heard from the Word. he wanted to have that peace and His presence, he wanted God's will for his life.

it's hard to express the emotions, sadness for james. frail, alone, so incredibly sick, perhaps close to the end of his life.

proud of matt, i've never heard him ask so many questions in all of his life (ask our kids, that's my job). being bold, listening, sharing, praying, being a microphone for Him.

utter thankfulness, that He would allow us the privilege of spending the afternoon with james. the honor of walking this road and having the chance to pray with james. as we told the kids the story, they agreed, if james' eternal destiny changed, cancer is worth it.

when matt was done praying, the nurses came over and unhooked james from his tether. james and matt shook hands and agreed to meet again in three weeks.

will you join me in praying for james. i am not certain we'll see him again.
here.

but perhaps one day, on the other side.

cancerschmancer - surgery details

so surgery has been scheduled. if nothing changes, here's where we are:

tuesday, 1/14 at uci
it will take place in the morning somewhere around 10am.
it will last 6-7 hours
a surgeon who removes head and neck base tumors and specializes in the sinus area with team with a neurosurgeon.
i asked if they've ever worked together.
i also asked if he paid attention in med school.
and i asked if he got good grades.
he looked at me and finally smirked.

recovery will be determined by the surgery.
the plan is to do this endoscopically, through the nose - of course if they get in there and see that they eye is at risk, they'll change the method of surgery and remove the eye and whatever else. we're praying against that.

back to the plan:
a camera will go up one nostril; instruments up the other.
the surgeons will cut and drill away at a bone and tissue. they will remove what they need to; put back what they need to and do reconstruction if they need to. they mentioned, dura, flaps, and other words that had more than 4 letters. they'll biopsy as they take out and they will take more as they need to.

if there is brain fluid leaking, a drain will be put in and matt will stay an additional 2 days. if there isn't leaking, no drain will be needed and he may leave a day or so earlier. we've been told to expect 5 days, that's right in the middle. could be 4 days, could be 7 days. he'll have his nose packed for a week.

matt will go from surgery to neuroICU and from there he'll be in a step down room. that's a step down from ICU but not a regular room. he'll be in a private room for the whole stay. they told me once we arrive and give our car to the valet at the door, i won't have to leave until matt is discharged. i can stay in his room the whole time. HUGE answer to prayer!

i'm not sure of the hospitals rules regarding visitors in neuro ICU but we are wanting to really limit them because the surgery will expose matt's brain and of course the rest of his head. with such a nasty cold and flu season, it would really tank if he got sick from a germ when he is so close to beating cancer. if we can get him through this, we'll have lots of years - Lord willing - to visit.

we ask that you continue praying during the next couple of weeks. we see His hand in the details. we're encouraged by each call, text, email, letter, facebook comment and message. your prayers sustain us so thank you. we'll keep this updated as we can.

thank you for walking this cancer road with us. we're blessed and ever in awe - for He is good.

pre-op is not for the faint of heart

because i want to document everything, this could be long.
so.
much.
has.
happened.

monday our oncologist was back in the office after being gone a few weeks. i graciously gave her a few hours to get caught up on her work and then i started calling. and we emailed. and i left voicemails.
monday afternoon i got an approval letter for surgery and the surgeon called with a surgery date.
i called the oncologist again. this time when i left a message, i said surgery has been scheudled for next week. you have us doing chemo on wed, thurs and fri. i need to know what to plan for, you can't keep me on hold, i have things going on. i'm sure they laughed when they heard that. like they care about my schedule.

on tuesday the surgeons office called and confirmed surgery for the following tuesday.
i left another message for the oncologist. i'm sure she has a lot of patients but my husband has cancer! (i was getting a little anxious and slightly, ever so slightly frustrated.)

later on tuesday the oncologist called me back, she must have still felt rested from her vacation because she wasn't angry. after telling me that she got all of my emails, voicemails and messages (she paused), she was able to talk with the surgeon and get his thoughts on the change of plans. she agrees that we should move forward with surgery and we'll cancel chemo for now. she said she reviewed matt's bone scan and PET scan and was quite relieved that they were clear. she was concerned. wait, SHE was concerned? i'm glad that didn't come across to me previously or i may have gone a little crazy while we waited for results. just saying.

move forward to thursday. we had appointments for pre-op at UCI. we met with both surgeons, each of their nurses, physicians assistants, resident physicians, matt had two physicals and answered many health questions. and every time someone, anyone asks, do you smoke? he replies with only when i'm on fire. he had blood tests, urine tests, mri's, ct scans and our first born were all requested. it didn't go quite that smoothly, however, i'll spare you the details, though with them you'd understand my meltdown when i got home.
matt still has one more mri and a phone interview with the anesthesiologist and then he will be cleared for surgery.

as i said, i had a bit of a meltdown last night. i cranked up some chris tomlin, worshiped and cried. i was putting dishes away when it began so i stood in between 2 opened kitchen cupboards and sobbed, worshiped and no one saw me. it's probably a good thing or people would think i'm nuts as my kitchen faces the street and the neighbors. it's what happened though and what i'm learning is that those moments come. and when they do, reading the word of God and worshiping is the only thing to combat it. and i say combat it because it's a very real battle.

today i woke up feeling restored and refreshed. i had a much better outlook on the situation. the verse that says, though weeping may endure for a night, joy comes in the morning is so true. this morning is a new day. my one year bible reading was very encouraging as well. in matthew 8 there were tons of healings that took place, and i ended my reading with proverbs 3:5-6 which are matt's verses.

i was still irritated when the surgeons office called 4 more times today to request more tests, all of which have already been done. (the problem is that when there are 2 surgeons, they are responsible for their own tests and they aren't looking to see what the other surgeon ordered.) we're trusting Him completely in this, we know it's all ok.

results are in, now what?

after calling the oncologist's office multiple times, we finally got the answer we had been waiting for. pet scan results were in.

as i waited on the line for the physicians assistant to pick up and read to me the findings, my hands began to shake, my legs went weak, my heart pounded, my eyes pooled with tears. that waiting for the unknown is a crazy feeling. waiting for news that could potentially change our lives. ultimately hearing that the cancer was found elsewhere in the body would force us to decide how much more treatment to endure. it's that whole quality of life vs. quantity of life thing. something you NEVER want to think about. and the thought that we might even be faced with that was more than i could bear. breathing became difficult.

though i only waited about a minute, it was the longest. minute. ever.
she read through the scan in medical terms out loud. i was lost, trying to pick up familiar words. eventually she told us cancer wasn't found anywhere else aside from the right nasal cavity. she saw that the lymph nodes were clear as was the rest of the body. i asked her multiple times if he was clear, she must think i'm nuts but i wanted to be sure i heard her right. the tears came, tears of rejoicing, tears of thanking God, tears of hope, tears knowing we didn't have to go there with quality vs quantity of life.

chemo was also cancelled for this week. matt's immune system was too weak so we put it off for 10 days. he hasn't been feeling well and we weren't sure why. he must have picked up some sort of bug.

meanwhile the oncologist has been gone since 12/13 and doesn't know about matt's pet scan nor the surgeons desire for surgery sooner rather than later. she's in for a surprise isn't she?

so next up:
today or tomorrow the surgeon will call us and schedule surgery. (i believe he wants it to happen before he leaves for vacation on 1/19).
…the surgeon will discuss this with the oncologist and bring her up to speed.
matt has blood work on tuesday, 1/7 to be sure he is up for chemo.
we meet with our oncologist on wednesday, 1/8.
chemo is slated to start up again on 1/8, and continue 1/9 and 1/10.

i supposed if they decide to do surgery, chemo could be cancelled again.
we think that matt will have chemo again after surgery to get rid of any small cancer cells.
remember this cancer is aggressive meaning it multiplies quickly. it is also known to grow feelers. because of its location, being so close to the brain and eye, this type of cancer isn't ideal.
but then is there ever an "ideal" with cancer?

so many things are up in the air.
so much to pray about.

we are quite relieved that the pet scan came back clear aside from the nose.
matt still has cancer.
it is still in his nasal cavity.
he is still extremely tired.
he still gets waves of nausea.

because it's flu season out there and he is super susceptible to everything floating around, we try to limit what he does and where he goes. he sleeps a lot, he lays around a lot. neither thrill him. he's a doer. he likes to be busy.
but that's not the season we are in. he needs to save up his strength and energy to work. he's still working full time - praise God.

we're thankful people have been mowing our lawn, matt gets very tired easily and this would wipe him out. we're thankful for the meals that come in once in a while. not having to think about what to feed the family, not having to be sure we have everything and take the time to prepare it has been a huge blessing. that calendar is here: meal train for the Jarretts.

though we learned and grew so much in 2013, i'm more than ready to put that year behind me. i wouldn't change a minute because we saw firsthand the greatness and faithfulness of God.
but man am i excited for 2014. i'm looking forward to watching Him do great things. we are nowhere close to being done with cancer, and this year we will, no doubt, face more challenges. but it's another year to watch the hand of God at work. it's another year of growing old with my beloved.

thank you for continuing to pray for us and walk with us.
may you be blessed in 2014.