so a few weeks ago matt had his "routine" pet scan and mri. the tests he'll have for many many years. the pet scan takes place every 4 months, the mri every 2 months. both are checking to see if there is any cancer in his body. "they" don't know enough about this cancer to know where it might show up, "they" just say it most likely will. "they" say most people don't make it beyond a year from diagnosis. it's not that "they" are wrong, there's just not enough data to really know for sure. this cancer is rare. it's also aggressive. that we all know.
so though matt has been put in remission, every ache, pain, lump, stuffy nose, headache, moment of blurred vision, plugged ears, days of fatigue, etc. puts me in the what if realm. forget the fact that he works like crazy and is a little older than he used to be. my mind forever plays ping pong with what "they" say and what the Word of God says. we know the latter is Truth, it's Life, it can be depended upon. we know that God has a will to accomplish and defies what "they" say in order to do that.
and for that, i'm very thankful.
about a week after the scans, we received the call, i'm sorry, i called them…twice…to get the scan results. when they were put in the system, i was told remission continues. there's no sign of cancer. i cried, we rejoiced. it was a (early) sweet christmas gift.
i treasure matt. i want to grow old with him. i want to jump in mud puddles. i want to share a chocolate shake. i want to hold his hand every day. i want to stare into his blue blue eyes. i want to fall asleep listening to his heart beat. i want to live fully with matt. for we know none of us are guaranteed tomorrow.
then today the oncologist called matt. she said she got back in the country yesterday and reviewed matt's scans.
1. the spot in his chest is smaller than it was in the last scan.
2. the spot in his stomach is also smaller.
he wrote it all down, said thank you and hung up.
then he gave me the paper. spots??
ok so have you ever been driving 55mph (or 65mph) on a california freeway and thrown your husband's truck into reverse? well basically the vehicle screeches to a stop and the engine is killed. like with no warning the brakes lock up and you can't start the car or put it in drive until you are at a full and complete stop. all the while praying that no one hits you. i know this because i've done it twice. but really, that's all totally beside the point. my point is, that's how i felt today. moving along, things are really, really good and then everything comes to a screeching halt. my world stopped. my heart pounded, i couldn't breathe.
i called the oncologists office and left a message.
within a few minutes the ever so patient pa called me and explained the oncologist's notes. she said they have been watching these spots for a while and though they are smaller than the last time, they aren't hugely concerned but want to get the stomach checked out. in addition to a million questions, i let her know this was the first we'd heard of the "spots."
she said, "sarah, don't worry until we tell you to worry." i said, so this isn't cancer? she said no, no one ever even mentioned cancer, matt is fine. nothing about matt's case is normal but it's gerd. i asked what gerd was and she said it's short for a reflux issue, perhaps acid reflux, he'll be referred out to a gastro…something or other…ologist and he'll have an upper endoscopy. there's nothing to worry about. i said he hasn't had a single symptom, she said that's ok. we're just being cautious.
i googled gerd, and according to webmd, matt has about 3 days, give or take. not really, but this is precisely why i haven't googled a single thing about his cancer. it's all so much to take in.
then i had a meltdown.
totally. completely. sobbing. a snotty, teary, gasping for air, 3 year old meltdown.
and then that still small voice reminded me to get my bible and re-read the truth He showed me today in the one year bible.
that still small voice said, do you trust me? do you remember what i have done?
do you know that i am God?
i re-read the verses and shared them with matt and the kids through my snot and tears.
micah 6:5 says,
"don't you remember my people. how king balak of moab tried to have you cursed. and how balaam son of beor blessed you instead? and remember your journey from acacia grove to gilgal, when I, the Lord, did everything I could to teach you about My faithfulness."
and verse 7:15-16a says,
"yes, says the Lord, i will do mighty miracles for you, like those i did when i rescued you from slavery in egypt. all the nations of the world will stand amazed at what the Lord will do for you."
i do trust my Lord. i do believe in His faithfulness. i know that i know that i know, whatever He decides is perfect and right.
and yet i so identify with the apostle paul in romans 7:15, "i don't really understand myself, for i want to do what is right, but i don't do it. instead i do what i hate."
and for me, that's losing sight of His promises. it's losing sight of all that He has done so far. it's losing sight that He walks with me no matter what He decides is perfect for my future.
Tuesday, December 16, 2014
Wednesday, November 12, 2014
cancerschmancer - He calls us to crazy
three weeks ago, matt and i received a facebook message from a friend. in this message was a link to a short video of a man sharing and this note, "matt, a friend of mine posted this video of his friend. is this cancer similar to what you had?" i watched the 5 minute video in disbelief, no words at all - it was the same cancer, the man talking said word for word what matt had. he watched it and we couldn't get to the computer fast enough to look this video up. we wondered when it had been posted. was it old? was this video circulating the internet or was it new? we prayed it was old.
we immediately found it and as it turned out, the video had just been posted about an hour earlier. it was real. and it was scary. we tracked down paul and amy, we searched and discovered they live in louisiana and he is a senior pastor to a calvary affiliate. paul was just diagnosed with a rare and aggressive cancer. he had a tumor in his nasal cavity. matt contacted paul, i contacted his wife and then we prayed and we waited. our hearts suddenly ached, though we knew nothing about them, and they knew nothing about us. we had jesus and a rare aggressive cancer in common. matt was a survivor, paul was just starting out. we knew God doesn't waste our pain, we know He doesn't walk us down a road without a reason. aren't we are called to comfort one another with the same comfort we've received? so we introduced ourselves, i told amy i wanted to first tell her a little about myself so she wouldn't think i'm crazy...famous last words? or perhaps famous first words?? time would tell.
matt posted the video asking people to pray. and our faithful friends committed to pray for this family.
in his message, matt offered to talk to paul, walk with him, and answer any questions he would have. you see with this rare cancer, there aren't blogs you can look up, there aren't message boards, i'm not even sure webmd has much to say. within a day or so, they each contacted us and thus began very real dialogue.
paul and matt spoke on the phone two days later, and amy and i messaged each other often. by thursday our hearts were burdened to go see them. matt and i talked and prayed but said nothing to anyone. within a few hours, someone generously approached matt and said he felt we should go and offered to send us. he said matt, you can offer hope, you are alive. you lived joyfully and lived out your faith. we knew that was confirmation so tickets were purchased, the car was rented and the hotel was secured. we'd leave in a week. we thought paul may be in the hospital for surgery. we could spend time there if they'd allow us. on monday, one week after hearing about paul's cancer, i spoke with amy for the first time, it was a hard day at a doctor appointment and we had the opportunity to talk and pray. my heart was anxious to be by her side. to tell her i understood.
every detail was being worked out. the doors opened so fast and so wide, we didn't doubt for a second that we should be going. matt and i went back and forth whether or not to tell them we were coming and after praying, we decided not to. we didn't want to add stress or any burden, we didn't want them to feel they had to entertain us at all. we wanted to just be there. we weren't sure how we were going meet up with them. we couldn't just show up at their house, that would be crazy. we couldn't call them and ask if they could meet us at starbucks... again, crazy. maybe join them on their morning run - super creepy crazy. then paul shared on his facebook that the church was having a prayer meeting each night from 6:30-7:30, and people could join them in prayer. since he wouldn't be in the hospital, we thought this would be perfect! we decided we'd go straight to the church, thinking this would be the less crazy of all the options. we sat on this plane with no idea what the Lord had for us, and we were on our way. about 30 minutes before we landed, i looked at matt and i said, we're crazy aren't we? he just smiled at me and said yes, indeed we were. but we rested in knowing God opened the doors and this was what we were going to do.
our plane landed, we grabbed our bags and car and we were on our way. it was 7pm. as we drove to the church, i got super nervous, literally shaking, having second thoughts nervous, but i held matt's hand and he parked the car. i texted a few girls at home that were praying and said we're walking in.
from the foyer we couldn't see inside the sanctuary until the doors opened. matt opened one door, we stepped in and staring right at us from a chair was paul. he looked at us, blinked a few times, looked again and stood up to walk over towards us. we smiled a "please don't be mad, i promise we're normal-ish" kind of smile. i went to amy, hugged her and heard a whisper, "sarah?" i said yes. paul hugged matt and just said wow, he sorta shook his head and smiled really big. we apologized for interrupting the prayer meeting and told them we wanted join them. it was a little funny on our part thinking they'd just continue on praying and worshiping, but we all did our best not to interrupt the remainder of the night. i'm sure they were baffled at the whole thing. it was an amazing night of worship - so intimate and we had total peace knowing we were exactly where God wanted us on the night of our 21st anniversary.
that night we went to dinner, and we saw them the next day. amy posted on her facebook that seeing us walk in was like seeing lazarus, such a shock and such a miracle. we got to meet people from their church and were able to spend time with paul and amy each day we were there - we took each opportunity as a gift. it was a little nuts for us to just show up, but they graciously allowed us in their lives. we met their kids, paul's parents, and their loving church body. seriously our hearts were so full. i can't even describe how amazing the weekend was. on sunday when it was almost time to leave, i cried. no matter how hard i tried, i couldn't stop the tears from falling, i wasn't ready to leave. my heart ached at the thought of leaving the next day. as we spent time with paul and amy, we talked about so many things, cancer, the Lord, how we're all from California, we run, we homeschool, our kids are the same age - exactly!, our faith, matt and paul's similar humor, we had so many things in common.
and then monday, we had one more opportunity to eat together and chat before we had to leave, if i could have frozen time, i would have. then sadly, it was time to catch our plane. it was so bittersweet. their church became our family. we were so loved and embraced, i didn't expect my heart to be so transformed in just a few days. those 5 days in lousiana were among the best i'd ever spent.
there are so many stories from the weekend, we saw God's hand in it from start to finish. i share this for a few reasons, not to draw attention to us at all, we're just people doing what we felt God calling us to do.
but what i learned is that sometimes the Lord calls us to crazy, He calls us out of our comfort zones, out of what feels normal. He calls us to walk in faith, we don't know the how's or the why's, we can't see His master plan. He told noah to build an ark, a big ark. noah didn't know what rain was. He told sarah she'd have a baby and sarah was old. he told ananias to talk to saul, saul who killed Christians. how many times in the old and new testament do we see God call people to do things that are a little crazy, perhaps they don't make sense? God didn't need any of these people. He didn't need us. He has plenty who are willing. but He allows us to be part of His plan. if matt and i would have said no, this is crazy, no one would have known any different. God would have provided someone else. and we could have missed out on this very special blessing that He allowed us. that thought broke my heart, i wonder how many other opportunities i've missed out on because i wasn't willing. what a sweet privilege it is when we get to be a little crazy for Him.
paul is heading into surgery this week and we know the power of prayer, we've seen it. his tumor is larger than matt's was. it's the size of a tennis ball. it's pressing against very dangerous parts of his head. surgery will no doubt be long, 8-10 hours. he'll have an extensive recovery time possibly followed up with treatment. i have no doubt that paul and amy will use every opportunity to glorify God in this. they'll find the joy, they'll seek Him, they trust Him.
please cover them in prayer. cover their kids and church family. pray for the surgeon on wednesday. pray for a quick recover. we trust our God to be big and mighty.
friends, meet our friends, paul and amy.
we immediately found it and as it turned out, the video had just been posted about an hour earlier. it was real. and it was scary. we tracked down paul and amy, we searched and discovered they live in louisiana and he is a senior pastor to a calvary affiliate. paul was just diagnosed with a rare and aggressive cancer. he had a tumor in his nasal cavity. matt contacted paul, i contacted his wife and then we prayed and we waited. our hearts suddenly ached, though we knew nothing about them, and they knew nothing about us. we had jesus and a rare aggressive cancer in common. matt was a survivor, paul was just starting out. we knew God doesn't waste our pain, we know He doesn't walk us down a road without a reason. aren't we are called to comfort one another with the same comfort we've received? so we introduced ourselves, i told amy i wanted to first tell her a little about myself so she wouldn't think i'm crazy...famous last words? or perhaps famous first words?? time would tell.
matt posted the video asking people to pray. and our faithful friends committed to pray for this family.
in his message, matt offered to talk to paul, walk with him, and answer any questions he would have. you see with this rare cancer, there aren't blogs you can look up, there aren't message boards, i'm not even sure webmd has much to say. within a day or so, they each contacted us and thus began very real dialogue.
paul and matt spoke on the phone two days later, and amy and i messaged each other often. by thursday our hearts were burdened to go see them. matt and i talked and prayed but said nothing to anyone. within a few hours, someone generously approached matt and said he felt we should go and offered to send us. he said matt, you can offer hope, you are alive. you lived joyfully and lived out your faith. we knew that was confirmation so tickets were purchased, the car was rented and the hotel was secured. we'd leave in a week. we thought paul may be in the hospital for surgery. we could spend time there if they'd allow us. on monday, one week after hearing about paul's cancer, i spoke with amy for the first time, it was a hard day at a doctor appointment and we had the opportunity to talk and pray. my heart was anxious to be by her side. to tell her i understood.
every detail was being worked out. the doors opened so fast and so wide, we didn't doubt for a second that we should be going. matt and i went back and forth whether or not to tell them we were coming and after praying, we decided not to. we didn't want to add stress or any burden, we didn't want them to feel they had to entertain us at all. we wanted to just be there. we weren't sure how we were going meet up with them. we couldn't just show up at their house, that would be crazy. we couldn't call them and ask if they could meet us at starbucks... again, crazy. maybe join them on their morning run - super creepy crazy. then paul shared on his facebook that the church was having a prayer meeting each night from 6:30-7:30, and people could join them in prayer. since he wouldn't be in the hospital, we thought this would be perfect! we decided we'd go straight to the church, thinking this would be the less crazy of all the options. we sat on this plane with no idea what the Lord had for us, and we were on our way. about 30 minutes before we landed, i looked at matt and i said, we're crazy aren't we? he just smiled at me and said yes, indeed we were. but we rested in knowing God opened the doors and this was what we were going to do.
our plane landed, we grabbed our bags and car and we were on our way. it was 7pm. as we drove to the church, i got super nervous, literally shaking, having second thoughts nervous, but i held matt's hand and he parked the car. i texted a few girls at home that were praying and said we're walking in.
from the foyer we couldn't see inside the sanctuary until the doors opened. matt opened one door, we stepped in and staring right at us from a chair was paul. he looked at us, blinked a few times, looked again and stood up to walk over towards us. we smiled a "please don't be mad, i promise we're normal-ish" kind of smile. i went to amy, hugged her and heard a whisper, "sarah?" i said yes. paul hugged matt and just said wow, he sorta shook his head and smiled really big. we apologized for interrupting the prayer meeting and told them we wanted join them. it was a little funny on our part thinking they'd just continue on praying and worshiping, but we all did our best not to interrupt the remainder of the night. i'm sure they were baffled at the whole thing. it was an amazing night of worship - so intimate and we had total peace knowing we were exactly where God wanted us on the night of our 21st anniversary.
that night we went to dinner, and we saw them the next day. amy posted on her facebook that seeing us walk in was like seeing lazarus, such a shock and such a miracle. we got to meet people from their church and were able to spend time with paul and amy each day we were there - we took each opportunity as a gift. it was a little nuts for us to just show up, but they graciously allowed us in their lives. we met their kids, paul's parents, and their loving church body. seriously our hearts were so full. i can't even describe how amazing the weekend was. on sunday when it was almost time to leave, i cried. no matter how hard i tried, i couldn't stop the tears from falling, i wasn't ready to leave. my heart ached at the thought of leaving the next day. as we spent time with paul and amy, we talked about so many things, cancer, the Lord, how we're all from California, we run, we homeschool, our kids are the same age - exactly!, our faith, matt and paul's similar humor, we had so many things in common.
and then monday, we had one more opportunity to eat together and chat before we had to leave, if i could have frozen time, i would have. then sadly, it was time to catch our plane. it was so bittersweet. their church became our family. we were so loved and embraced, i didn't expect my heart to be so transformed in just a few days. those 5 days in lousiana were among the best i'd ever spent.
there are so many stories from the weekend, we saw God's hand in it from start to finish. i share this for a few reasons, not to draw attention to us at all, we're just people doing what we felt God calling us to do.
but what i learned is that sometimes the Lord calls us to crazy, He calls us out of our comfort zones, out of what feels normal. He calls us to walk in faith, we don't know the how's or the why's, we can't see His master plan. He told noah to build an ark, a big ark. noah didn't know what rain was. He told sarah she'd have a baby and sarah was old. he told ananias to talk to saul, saul who killed Christians. how many times in the old and new testament do we see God call people to do things that are a little crazy, perhaps they don't make sense? God didn't need any of these people. He didn't need us. He has plenty who are willing. but He allows us to be part of His plan. if matt and i would have said no, this is crazy, no one would have known any different. God would have provided someone else. and we could have missed out on this very special blessing that He allowed us. that thought broke my heart, i wonder how many other opportunities i've missed out on because i wasn't willing. what a sweet privilege it is when we get to be a little crazy for Him.
paul is heading into surgery this week and we know the power of prayer, we've seen it. his tumor is larger than matt's was. it's the size of a tennis ball. it's pressing against very dangerous parts of his head. surgery will no doubt be long, 8-10 hours. he'll have an extensive recovery time possibly followed up with treatment. i have no doubt that paul and amy will use every opportunity to glorify God in this. they'll find the joy, they'll seek Him, they trust Him.
please cover them in prayer. cover their kids and church family. pray for the surgeon on wednesday. pray for a quick recover. we trust our God to be big and mighty.
friends, meet our friends, paul and amy.
Thursday, September 25, 2014
cancerschmancer - whats new
a friend of mine recently sent me a text. she said she checked the blog and the last entry was a month ago and she was looking for an update. it completely blessed me.
there's nothing, yet so much. my mind is scattered, cluttered, i'm up, i'm down, i'm anxious, i'm at peace. i'm so thankful He remains constant. i'm thankful i can run to Him at anytime and He's there.
as for matt:
when people ask how he's doing, matt always says "sarah give them the short story."
so the short story is, he's good. he's still in remission - we've hit the 2 month mark. hallelujah!! isn't our God good?
my version is always way longer, matt says i bore people with too many details. so if you agree with him, feel free to close this link and move on to your other web surfing and blog reading. i promise not to be offended. in fact, if you do, when i write a book, this will all be new to you. (insert half serious smiley face and a plea for prayer!)
a few weeks ago we saw the surgeon and he said everything looks good. he said there's still "something" but he believes it's the tissue that is still inflamed from surgery and it's nothing to worry about. he said if he saw anything, he'd biopsy it right there. he told us we could take a break from the medicated nasal rinses and just use saline. (praise the Lord cause those puppies were expensive!!) as usual, he cleaned out matt's surgery area and said he'd see us in 8 weeks. 8 weeks!! that's the longest stretch he's given us. i asked how long we'd see him so frequently, he said a few more times at 8 weeks apart and once we hit the one year mark from surgery - which is january - we could possibly see him every 3-4 months. i asked how long we'd do that. he paused and looked at me and said "sarah, you're not going any where. i'll be seeing you guys for the next 20 years, in fact, we're going to be good friends when this is all over." so i told him he better invite us over for thanksgiving. he laughed, made a joke and we left the office. the girls at the front desk commented on how well matt must be doing because they have seen us walk out crying too many times and knew things were good based on how we were all smiles.
matt went to have another test at the audiologist and he said the hearing loss is about the same. the good news is the medication didn't make it worse as they thought. matt feels his hearing has decreased though and the ringing is louder. we've noticed matt strains to hear people and in restaurants or other places with loud background noise, he doesn't even try. he just looks at me and i tell him what's being said. we're a team, it's another way He's allowing us to become one. i'm reminded of old people and how she always answers for him. it always got me mad, i thought, let him have an opinion. well, now i get it, i can probably stop coloring my hair and let the gray burst forth because we're becoming "them." the audiologist said he'd talk about hearing aids in about a year but wanted all of the healing and treatment to be completely done first. matt will have another hearing test in 6 months just so they can monitor it.
the lump in matt's breast area seems to be getting bigger. we'll bring it up again at the next oncologist appointment. we're told they can go away in a few months, but they are "normal" given all of the meds matt has been on over the past 18 months.
his smell and taste haven't come back at all. his energy isn't where it was before cancer, but it's getting there. he says he's at 85% and that always makes me laugh. i get 50% or 75%, i'm not sure what 85% is. maybe a bit more than 75%, but not quite to 100.
he's back to work at o'dark thirty. he leaves at 4am and comes home tired. he has headaches. his neck and back hurt. my mind want's to go "there" but i'm keeping those thoughts at bay and replacing them with promises from the Word. i'm attributing it all to the ever changing california weather, working again like he always did and straining to hear people. as hard as it is, we're praising God. because matt is still here.
about 6 months ago, friends of ours invited us to join them and my brother's family for a week of camping in mammoth. it was slated for the last week of august. we said we couldn't commit as we didn't have any idea where we'd be at that time. they got our spot and told us that if matt is well, and we know he will be - come.
and we did. it was an exhausting trip with many memories made. we laughed, we ate too much, we hiked, biked, canoed, fished, talked and played. it also just so happened that we were there exactly one year to the day of matt's diagnosis.
for an entire year, august 28 was a day etched in my mind as the hardest i'd ever lived. not only did matt have cancer, but it was that day that i had to tell the kids.
for an entire year, august 28 was a day etched in my mind as the hardest i'd ever lived. not only did matt have cancer, but it was that day that i had to tell the kids.
so this year on august 28, we went on a hike. what we saw at the destination was breathtaking. and so significant. we went to rainbows falls. and as we know, the rainbow signifies how He keeps His promises. i couldn't help but reflect back on the day a year earlier and all of the events that brought us to that place and that day one year later. i got to watch my matt, my brother, and matt (our friend) all dive in the icy water and swim under rainbow falls. it was the most glorious site.
matt's next mri is october 7 at 5:15pm. we don't expect results until the following week. and then we see the surgeon a few weeks after that.
i'm thankful for the Word. it brings me such comfort. in the one year bible, i'm reading in isaiah. about a week ago, i read how hezekiah was ill and a prophet came to him and told him, the Lord has said get your life in order, you are about to die. and it says hezekiah put his face toward the wall and prayed and wept bitterly. and the Lord said, i have heard your prayers, i have seen your tears and i will surely add to your days 15 years.
from the day i read that, i've thought about it over and over. i don't know how many years the Lord is adding to matt's life, but i believe because so many of you prayed and wept with us, you along with me, turned your faces toward the floor pleading. and the Lord has extended matt's time. God showed us mercy, when "they" said it didn't look good. if i could hug each of you and thank you, i would. my heart is overwhelmed.
as much as i hate the symptoms, i'm thankful for them because they bring us to a place of remembering what He has done for us and how dependent we are on Him. His Word is so alive when i open the pages, i understand what it means to have the Holy Spirit as our Comforter - isn't He though. i never ever want to forget.
so today, we press on. we live. we laugh. we worship. we're blessed meeting people who have been praying for us. we loving hearing how God has used matt's story to touch them in some way. we're humbled He'd use us at all. thank you for the continued prayer and if you're still reading, thank you. (see matt, i told you. ha!)
and one more from mammoth. cause i can. isn't he a doll?
Wednesday, August 20, 2014
cancerschmancer - remission...then a lump
as many of you know, we got the good news: REMISSION!!!
it came after 11 months. behind us are many treatments, too many doctor appointments to count, medications that fill our fridge, counter and cupboard. and carrying us, are people praying, more than we could ever know on this side of heaven. we're thankful for this day.
i cried when our oncologist told us. tears of utter gratefulness to our God.
so many emotions went through my mind. thankfulness. mercy. love. knowing He allowed matt more time on this earth to complete the work He started. that's a huge responsibility too, because we know He isn't done with him. He still has a purpose to accomplish.
i feel like i've been given more time with this man i love.
and i love him. i never knew i could love him so deeply. cancer showed me. cancer showed me a lot of things.
we're given a second chance. days not afforded to everyone and i certainly didn't want to waste a moment. i want to listen to his heart beat every night, laying with my head on his chest until my neck gets a kink. i want to feel my hand in his. i want to stare into those blue eyes. i want to listen to his voice as he prays. as he shares his heart with the kids. i want to see that ornery twinkle, the way he smiles when he's about to do something that will no doubt make us all laugh. i want to live every day. intentionally, purposefully and until we're exhausted.
i don't know how many days of remission we'll have. it could be until our next doctor appointment, it could be until matt is 90. only One knows that for sure. the rest of us live day by day.
this past weekend matt had the opportunity to talk with luke, of for King & Country. he has faced serious illness over the past year and these two men met and talked for a very long time. i heard a little of what they talked about, stuck around to take a picture of the two, and then peeled off to get some work done at the crusade.
one thing luke said that i complete understand is this:
i'm ok if i never get better. i actually never want the symptoms to completely go away because i want to experience God like this forever. i never want to lose sight of Him and forget everything He has done. i agree with that.
but i want to be done. but on the other hand, luke's words went through my head. i can't experience Him so deeply without this moment by moment dependance. but i want to be done.
then monday happened. one day after this conversation.
matt discovered a lump in his right breast area. the oncologist wanted to see us asap. we got in there, she felt the lump. her look said she was concerned and she ordered tests that would take place the next day. she said nothing about matt is normal and we need to know what is going on. we can't depend on what we think we know in his case. nope, she wasn't smiling this time. she said not to worry, breast cancer in men is very rare. and then she stopped herself from saying anything else. we've all heard that before.
ugh.
an ultrasound and mammogram were ordered for tuesday morning.
i cried again. we sat the kids down. we tried to mask our fear. we ate in n out and talked.
we laughed a bit about dad getting a mammogram. matt renamed it a "man-o-gram."the kids had questions about how exactly it would happen, being a man and all. i told them to get two books and slam them together. i laughed, matt did not. ok, he did. sorta. and the kids did.
and then we focused on what we knew. matt had a lump. that was all we knew.
we prayed. we dug into the word. it became my lifeline again. it was all so vivid and exactly what i needed. He's faithful. He has an unfailing love. He created us for such a time as this. (i'm reading esther in the old testament in the one year bible reading - how timely eh?)
and we went in for the tests. scared but at peace.
on the way in matt looked at me, he was concerned, we talked. he didn't want to start over. i told him i didn't either. but if it meant more time with him, i'd do whatever it took. he didn't share that same feelings. if it was cancer, did we have the strength to have more chemo, more radiation, another surgery and all that goes with that? i'd have to dig deep. we couldn't go there. it was all way too soon.
he had his "man-o-gram" and we waited for the doctor to come in and give us results.
they told us we didn't need the ultrasound after all. they'd call us soon.
we stayed and waited to see the doctor anyway. he was in a procedure and the wait would be long, he couldn't see us. however, when we explained the journey, we were told it was benign and the lump was given a name. we were given a paper explaining it and after quickly scanning it, we put it away and went home.
we still wait for the oncologist to get the report and give us the "what's next" but we're told its all ok. it's not urgent. it's not cancer. it may be a side effect from the steroids and chemo. it's not normal, but is explainable.
sometimes this feels like a roller coaster, not just the ups and downs, but the anticipation is almost worst than the actual ride. but its in that waiting that He becomes so real again. it's the part i never want to forget.
so for the next month, until we see the doctor, we live. we laugh. we love. we hold hands. we sit too close. we re-prioritize. we rejoice every day. we worship. we dig into His word. we look for ways to glorify Him.
we'll see the doctors every month for years. scans are every two months. and with each appointment we walk in with many questions and unknowns but we trust He has a perfect plan. this is a new normal for us.
often i'm encouraged by people who are praying for us. who have followed our story. who are facing their own battle. thank you for sharing these things with us. we're so blessed and honored you'd walk with us and pray.
it came after 11 months. behind us are many treatments, too many doctor appointments to count, medications that fill our fridge, counter and cupboard. and carrying us, are people praying, more than we could ever know on this side of heaven. we're thankful for this day.
i cried when our oncologist told us. tears of utter gratefulness to our God.
so many emotions went through my mind. thankfulness. mercy. love. knowing He allowed matt more time on this earth to complete the work He started. that's a huge responsibility too, because we know He isn't done with him. He still has a purpose to accomplish.
i feel like i've been given more time with this man i love.
and i love him. i never knew i could love him so deeply. cancer showed me. cancer showed me a lot of things.
we're given a second chance. days not afforded to everyone and i certainly didn't want to waste a moment. i want to listen to his heart beat every night, laying with my head on his chest until my neck gets a kink. i want to feel my hand in his. i want to stare into those blue eyes. i want to listen to his voice as he prays. as he shares his heart with the kids. i want to see that ornery twinkle, the way he smiles when he's about to do something that will no doubt make us all laugh. i want to live every day. intentionally, purposefully and until we're exhausted.
i don't know how many days of remission we'll have. it could be until our next doctor appointment, it could be until matt is 90. only One knows that for sure. the rest of us live day by day.
this past weekend matt had the opportunity to talk with luke, of for King & Country. he has faced serious illness over the past year and these two men met and talked for a very long time. i heard a little of what they talked about, stuck around to take a picture of the two, and then peeled off to get some work done at the crusade.
one thing luke said that i complete understand is this:
i'm ok if i never get better. i actually never want the symptoms to completely go away because i want to experience God like this forever. i never want to lose sight of Him and forget everything He has done. i agree with that.
but i want to be done. but on the other hand, luke's words went through my head. i can't experience Him so deeply without this moment by moment dependance. but i want to be done.
then monday happened. one day after this conversation.
matt discovered a lump in his right breast area. the oncologist wanted to see us asap. we got in there, she felt the lump. her look said she was concerned and she ordered tests that would take place the next day. she said nothing about matt is normal and we need to know what is going on. we can't depend on what we think we know in his case. nope, she wasn't smiling this time. she said not to worry, breast cancer in men is very rare. and then she stopped herself from saying anything else. we've all heard that before.
ugh.
an ultrasound and mammogram were ordered for tuesday morning.
i cried again. we sat the kids down. we tried to mask our fear. we ate in n out and talked.
we laughed a bit about dad getting a mammogram. matt renamed it a "man-o-gram."the kids had questions about how exactly it would happen, being a man and all. i told them to get two books and slam them together. i laughed, matt did not. ok, he did. sorta. and the kids did.
and then we focused on what we knew. matt had a lump. that was all we knew.
we prayed. we dug into the word. it became my lifeline again. it was all so vivid and exactly what i needed. He's faithful. He has an unfailing love. He created us for such a time as this. (i'm reading esther in the old testament in the one year bible reading - how timely eh?)
and we went in for the tests. scared but at peace.
on the way in matt looked at me, he was concerned, we talked. he didn't want to start over. i told him i didn't either. but if it meant more time with him, i'd do whatever it took. he didn't share that same feelings. if it was cancer, did we have the strength to have more chemo, more radiation, another surgery and all that goes with that? i'd have to dig deep. we couldn't go there. it was all way too soon.
he had his "man-o-gram" and we waited for the doctor to come in and give us results.
they told us we didn't need the ultrasound after all. they'd call us soon.
we stayed and waited to see the doctor anyway. he was in a procedure and the wait would be long, he couldn't see us. however, when we explained the journey, we were told it was benign and the lump was given a name. we were given a paper explaining it and after quickly scanning it, we put it away and went home.
we still wait for the oncologist to get the report and give us the "what's next" but we're told its all ok. it's not urgent. it's not cancer. it may be a side effect from the steroids and chemo. it's not normal, but is explainable.
sometimes this feels like a roller coaster, not just the ups and downs, but the anticipation is almost worst than the actual ride. but its in that waiting that He becomes so real again. it's the part i never want to forget.
so for the next month, until we see the doctor, we live. we laugh. we love. we hold hands. we sit too close. we re-prioritize. we rejoice every day. we worship. we dig into His word. we look for ways to glorify Him.
we'll see the doctors every month for years. scans are every two months. and with each appointment we walk in with many questions and unknowns but we trust He has a perfect plan. this is a new normal for us.
often i'm encouraged by people who are praying for us. who have followed our story. who are facing their own battle. thank you for sharing these things with us. we're so blessed and honored you'd walk with us and pray.
Monday, July 28, 2014
cancerschmancer - the cost of cancer
it seems posts and pictures on social media as of late have possibly misled people and because my goal has been to be honest, perhaps to a fault, i'd like to clarify. if you aren't interested, feel free to stop reading - my feelings won't be hurt. talking or speculating, that's what hurts.
as i've shared, matt's cancer could show up again at any point, it's rare, it's aggressive and we won't be at rest for a very long time. years. there's a high re-occurence rate based on what they know and this kind in this location makes it the "worst of the worst."
God has done great things, we get up each morning praising Him for breath and strength and grace and a Home that He went to prepare for us. but because of what "they" say, our lives could change with any given scan or appointment. are things good today? yes, is it guaranteed for tomorrow? no. so we are living. we are taking every moment to experience life and be excited about each day, seizing opportunities to share Him and His goodness. are we too busy? maybe. but that's something we re-evaluate each day, weighing our exhaustion against our day full of memories.
and cancer is expensive. if you've walked this road, you know. if you haven't, let me tell you, tens of thousands. out of pocket. and we have good insurance. having said that, this isn't a plea for help or pity or anything even remotely close. it's simply to share that God has faithfully provided for every bill, co-pay, prescription and scan, and occasionally He provides before we even know what's to come. i'm in awe of His goodness and faithful provision. i'm convinced this was part of His plan all along. my faith lacks, i freak out, but He's teaching me. after thursday's marathon day of appointments which resulted in co-pay shock, we didn't what else to do so i smiled at matt, he smiled back and at the same time we said, you're worth it. and i'll share, because He's good like that, the kids haiti trips were fully funded less than a week after they were asked to pray about joining the team, their trip to NY was gifted to them so they could be kids again after the year they've had. my family made sure i had an amazing, memorable 40th birthday with my love.
and i share this to clear anything up and of course, if you are so inclined, we appreciate continued prayer for our family and join us in rejoicing over the little (and big) things.
as i've shared, matt's cancer could show up again at any point, it's rare, it's aggressive and we won't be at rest for a very long time. years. there's a high re-occurence rate based on what they know and this kind in this location makes it the "worst of the worst."
God has done great things, we get up each morning praising Him for breath and strength and grace and a Home that He went to prepare for us. but because of what "they" say, our lives could change with any given scan or appointment. are things good today? yes, is it guaranteed for tomorrow? no. so we are living. we are taking every moment to experience life and be excited about each day, seizing opportunities to share Him and His goodness. are we too busy? maybe. but that's something we re-evaluate each day, weighing our exhaustion against our day full of memories.
and cancer is expensive. if you've walked this road, you know. if you haven't, let me tell you, tens of thousands. out of pocket. and we have good insurance. having said that, this isn't a plea for help or pity or anything even remotely close. it's simply to share that God has faithfully provided for every bill, co-pay, prescription and scan, and occasionally He provides before we even know what's to come. i'm in awe of His goodness and faithful provision. i'm convinced this was part of His plan all along. my faith lacks, i freak out, but He's teaching me. after thursday's marathon day of appointments which resulted in co-pay shock, we didn't what else to do so i smiled at matt, he smiled back and at the same time we said, you're worth it. and i'll share, because He's good like that, the kids haiti trips were fully funded less than a week after they were asked to pray about joining the team, their trip to NY was gifted to them so they could be kids again after the year they've had. my family made sure i had an amazing, memorable 40th birthday with my love.
and i share this to clear anything up and of course, if you are so inclined, we appreciate continued prayer for our family and join us in rejoicing over the little (and big) things.
Friday, July 25, 2014
cancerschmancer - surgeon and scans, the details
i finally logged in to write and realized i hadn't updated here since may. if you've been checking, i'm so sorry!! we've had so much happen but mostly good. or all good in the overall scheme of cancer.
yesterday we saw the surgeon for the first time in 8 weeks. we're supposed to see him every 4 weeks but because of the 4th of july holiday, our roadtrip the following weekend, and then a change in our insurance, we went longer than everyone was anticipating. and i was petrified - we haven't gone this long between appointments since before matt was diagnosed. the surgeon would scope the nose, brain lining etc. and if he found even the slightest sighting of a tumor, we'd go back in for surgery. he said there's no reason to biopsy, which is "standard," because nothing about this is "standard." with pins and needles we waited, wondering what the next weeks would hold.
my mind played ping pong with my thoughts.
would he find anything? take every thought captive.
are we going in for surgery and how extensive will it be this time? think on whatsoever things are true.
why does matt have headaches after swimming in the ocean? He is good.
why is he getting "phantom" smells? He is faithful.
how long will matt be healthy before we have to start over? He knows the end from the beginning.
why is matt so incredibly tired? we are fearfully and wonderfully made.
the Word has so many specific instructions and practical applications but my mind goes back and forth. i am a doer and need to know exactly what to do. i'm thankful we have that.
waking up early, we drove to uci and checked in. the ent residents saw us and talked in words they probably only recently learned in medical school. i didn't understand anything except they seemed proud that they could say them. i wasn't impressed, was tired of the anticipation and finally asked how many of these cases they'd seen? the two kids in white jackets stopped talking, quietly admitted this was the first time they'd seen it and then told us the surgeon would be right in.
thank you and buh-bye.
finally he walked in. i held my breath. he scoped and looked around, he was somber, a little serious. surgeons are hard to read. finally he said everything looks good and he'd most likely see any tumor regrowth before a scan saw it. whew. we told him we were head to get an mri and pet scan after his appointment. he asked that we get copies of those to him because his radiologist will read them as well as his tumor board. matt succeeded in making him laugh.
we asked about phantom smells. he said it could be the sensors trying to kick start. it could be the brain compensating for what's gone. hard to tell. he said give it more time. whatever matt has in 6 more months is most likely all he'll have.
he told us to see the neurosurgeon for a follow up, he wants that every 3 months. i'm not sure why. perhaps it's "standard"?
he also asked about matt's hearing. funny thing. all along matt has denied much hearing loss, though the rest of know there's a significant change and like everything else, we tease about it. but the other day it was very evident in the car that something went wrong when taylor asked me to send her a picture and matt replied with, "did we tape sesame street???" we all laughed. hard. and we knew he clearly didn't hear her. at the appointment matt told the surgeon his hearing was worse and dr. b ordered another hearing test with the specialist. matt said, what? i nodded my head. the surgeon shook his, we all laughed again.
we asked why matt got a massive headache after swimming in the ocean. the surgeon said because he has so much space now because not only was the tumor removed but so was a lot of other stuff. the flap and tissue that would normally keep water out is gone so when you have water go up the nose, with matt, it doesn't stop or go down to the mouth. it keeps going up and when the cold ocean water hits the brain lining, you experience a shock in temperature thus giving you a brain freeze. makes sense. he did caution us as there is so much bacteria in the water, but as long as matt continues to rinse, he should be ok. he also gave us another round of antibiotic rinse to help with irrigating. matt's tissue still has to learn to take care of itself and this will help in the mean time.
after this appointment we got to see our nurse, joe. matt invited him to the crusade and joe said he wouldn't miss it. matt has prayed for joe often and they've become close. i call this a cancer bonus. one of the amazing things that has happened as a direct result of the cancer. we would probably not meet otherwise.
from the surgeon's office, we headed back to riverside for the pet scan and mri. after 4 attempts, they got the iv in his hand. we're told veins take time to rebuild. scan results will come tuesday. but while matt was getting his scans, i went up to say hi to our friends in the oncology office and chemo room.
so many people have made an impact on us through the various appointments and treatments, but if i had to reflect back on everyone, it's our buddy, james who stands out the most. maybe you remember him, i wrote about him in previous entries. we met him a few times during chemo. he was old, he was frail. he had lived a full life. when we met him he had the advanced stages of cancer, it was pretty bad. he lived alone and a transport service brought him in his wheel chair to chemo. the last time i saw him he was bruised and bandaged from a fall, my heart broke. he'd sit as close to matt as his chemo chair would allow and listen intently as we read the bible, at times he'd shut his eyes, at the end he'd interject or ask questions. then he'd tell us stories. each time we saw him, matt would end their visit by holding his hand and praying for him. it's been a few months since we've seen james and it was yesterday that we found out james finished his race, he beat cancer. he's in heaven where there is no more sadness, no more pain, no more tears. i believe he heard well done. matt and i couldn't stop the tears. knowing perhaps, just maybe, we were able, through our own cancer journey, able to make a small impact on a man during his cancer battle. it truly makes it all worth it. i didn't see that before, i couldn't say it before. now, faced with the very realization that a man we prayed with is sitting a jesus' feet, is so...i don't know, i don't even have the words. i'm in awe.
2 cor 4:17 says "for our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that outweighs them all." in the scheme or eternity, our lives - our cancer, is light and momentary. no matter what happens here, this is not the end. heaven is. eternity is. what we do in life, our successes, the earthly things we live for, none of it matters so much, people are the only thing we can take with us to heaven.
yesterday we saw the surgeon for the first time in 8 weeks. we're supposed to see him every 4 weeks but because of the 4th of july holiday, our roadtrip the following weekend, and then a change in our insurance, we went longer than everyone was anticipating. and i was petrified - we haven't gone this long between appointments since before matt was diagnosed. the surgeon would scope the nose, brain lining etc. and if he found even the slightest sighting of a tumor, we'd go back in for surgery. he said there's no reason to biopsy, which is "standard," because nothing about this is "standard." with pins and needles we waited, wondering what the next weeks would hold.
my mind played ping pong with my thoughts.
would he find anything? take every thought captive.
are we going in for surgery and how extensive will it be this time? think on whatsoever things are true.
why does matt have headaches after swimming in the ocean? He is good.
why is he getting "phantom" smells? He is faithful.
how long will matt be healthy before we have to start over? He knows the end from the beginning.
why is matt so incredibly tired? we are fearfully and wonderfully made.
the Word has so many specific instructions and practical applications but my mind goes back and forth. i am a doer and need to know exactly what to do. i'm thankful we have that.
waking up early, we drove to uci and checked in. the ent residents saw us and talked in words they probably only recently learned in medical school. i didn't understand anything except they seemed proud that they could say them. i wasn't impressed, was tired of the anticipation and finally asked how many of these cases they'd seen? the two kids in white jackets stopped talking, quietly admitted this was the first time they'd seen it and then told us the surgeon would be right in.
thank you and buh-bye.
finally he walked in. i held my breath. he scoped and looked around, he was somber, a little serious. surgeons are hard to read. finally he said everything looks good and he'd most likely see any tumor regrowth before a scan saw it. whew. we told him we were head to get an mri and pet scan after his appointment. he asked that we get copies of those to him because his radiologist will read them as well as his tumor board. matt succeeded in making him laugh.
we asked about phantom smells. he said it could be the sensors trying to kick start. it could be the brain compensating for what's gone. hard to tell. he said give it more time. whatever matt has in 6 more months is most likely all he'll have.
he told us to see the neurosurgeon for a follow up, he wants that every 3 months. i'm not sure why. perhaps it's "standard"?
he also asked about matt's hearing. funny thing. all along matt has denied much hearing loss, though the rest of know there's a significant change and like everything else, we tease about it. but the other day it was very evident in the car that something went wrong when taylor asked me to send her a picture and matt replied with, "did we tape sesame street???" we all laughed. hard. and we knew he clearly didn't hear her. at the appointment matt told the surgeon his hearing was worse and dr. b ordered another hearing test with the specialist. matt said, what? i nodded my head. the surgeon shook his, we all laughed again.
we asked why matt got a massive headache after swimming in the ocean. the surgeon said because he has so much space now because not only was the tumor removed but so was a lot of other stuff. the flap and tissue that would normally keep water out is gone so when you have water go up the nose, with matt, it doesn't stop or go down to the mouth. it keeps going up and when the cold ocean water hits the brain lining, you experience a shock in temperature thus giving you a brain freeze. makes sense. he did caution us as there is so much bacteria in the water, but as long as matt continues to rinse, he should be ok. he also gave us another round of antibiotic rinse to help with irrigating. matt's tissue still has to learn to take care of itself and this will help in the mean time.
after this appointment we got to see our nurse, joe. matt invited him to the crusade and joe said he wouldn't miss it. matt has prayed for joe often and they've become close. i call this a cancer bonus. one of the amazing things that has happened as a direct result of the cancer. we would probably not meet otherwise.
from the surgeon's office, we headed back to riverside for the pet scan and mri. after 4 attempts, they got the iv in his hand. we're told veins take time to rebuild. scan results will come tuesday. but while matt was getting his scans, i went up to say hi to our friends in the oncology office and chemo room.
so many people have made an impact on us through the various appointments and treatments, but if i had to reflect back on everyone, it's our buddy, james who stands out the most. maybe you remember him, i wrote about him in previous entries. we met him a few times during chemo. he was old, he was frail. he had lived a full life. when we met him he had the advanced stages of cancer, it was pretty bad. he lived alone and a transport service brought him in his wheel chair to chemo. the last time i saw him he was bruised and bandaged from a fall, my heart broke. he'd sit as close to matt as his chemo chair would allow and listen intently as we read the bible, at times he'd shut his eyes, at the end he'd interject or ask questions. then he'd tell us stories. each time we saw him, matt would end their visit by holding his hand and praying for him. it's been a few months since we've seen james and it was yesterday that we found out james finished his race, he beat cancer. he's in heaven where there is no more sadness, no more pain, no more tears. i believe he heard well done. matt and i couldn't stop the tears. knowing perhaps, just maybe, we were able, through our own cancer journey, able to make a small impact on a man during his cancer battle. it truly makes it all worth it. i didn't see that before, i couldn't say it before. now, faced with the very realization that a man we prayed with is sitting a jesus' feet, is so...i don't know, i don't even have the words. i'm in awe.
2 cor 4:17 says "for our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that outweighs them all." in the scheme or eternity, our lives - our cancer, is light and momentary. no matter what happens here, this is not the end. heaven is. eternity is. what we do in life, our successes, the earthly things we live for, none of it matters so much, people are the only thing we can take with us to heaven.
cancerschmancer - the book
on another note, i've been asked to write. i'll be honest, i'm so scared.
people are mean, critics are mean. i'm not sure i can handle that on top of everything else.
but after some prodding, it is something i'm praying about. matt said he wants me to write a book so he can retire. ha! well, we'd have to charge a lot per book since we'll only need to print about 100 copies but that's another story.
but last night i heard a speaker at church, catherine martin. she shared a story in matthew 14.
it was the 4th watch in the night. it was the darkest hour. it was stormy. they cried out in fear.
oh how i relate.
Jesus told them, be of good cheer, it is I. do not be afraid.
He called peter out of the boat and on to the water, "come" He said. and peter took a step toward Jesus but then looked again at the storm and he started to go down. Jesus stretched out his hand and caught him, asking, "why do you doubt, you have little faith."
i am afraid. i see the storm. but He wants us to get out of the boat. step out in faith.
if you think of it, please pray. i'm not sure where to start. i'm praying the Lord will open doors, He'll provide people to guide me. perhaps even to write with me. He knows. please pray most of all that He would be glorified.
people are mean, critics are mean. i'm not sure i can handle that on top of everything else.
but after some prodding, it is something i'm praying about. matt said he wants me to write a book so he can retire. ha! well, we'd have to charge a lot per book since we'll only need to print about 100 copies but that's another story.
but last night i heard a speaker at church, catherine martin. she shared a story in matthew 14.
it was the 4th watch in the night. it was the darkest hour. it was stormy. they cried out in fear.
oh how i relate.
Jesus told them, be of good cheer, it is I. do not be afraid.
He called peter out of the boat and on to the water, "come" He said. and peter took a step toward Jesus but then looked again at the storm and he started to go down. Jesus stretched out his hand and caught him, asking, "why do you doubt, you have little faith."
i am afraid. i see the storm. but He wants us to get out of the boat. step out in faith.
if you think of it, please pray. i'm not sure where to start. i'm praying the Lord will open doors, He'll provide people to guide me. perhaps even to write with me. He knows. please pray most of all that He would be glorified.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)