cancerschmancer - surgeon and scans, the details

i finally logged in to write and realized i hadn't updated here since may. if you've been checking, i'm so sorry!! we've had so much happen but mostly good. or all good in the overall scheme of cancer.

yesterday we saw the surgeon for the first time in 8 weeks. we're supposed to see him every 4 weeks but because of the 4th of july holiday, our roadtrip the following weekend, and then a change in our insurance, we went longer than everyone was anticipating. and i was petrified - we haven't gone this long between appointments since before matt was diagnosed. the surgeon would scope the nose, brain lining etc. and if he found even the slightest sighting of a tumor, we'd go back in for surgery. he said there's no reason to biopsy, which is "standard," because nothing about this is "standard." with pins and needles we waited, wondering what the next weeks would hold.

my mind played ping pong with my thoughts.
would he find anything? take every thought captive.
are we going in for surgery and how extensive will it be this time? think on whatsoever things are true.
why does matt have headaches after swimming in the ocean? He is good.
why is he getting "phantom" smells? He is faithful.
how long will matt be healthy before we have to start over? He knows the end from the beginning.
why is matt so incredibly tired? we are fearfully and wonderfully made.

the Word has so many specific instructions and practical applications but my mind goes back and forth. i am a doer and need to know exactly what to do. i'm thankful we have that.

waking up early, we drove to uci and checked in. the ent residents saw us and talked in words they probably only recently learned in medical school. i didn't understand anything except they seemed proud that they could say them. i wasn't impressed, was tired of the anticipation and finally asked how many of these cases they'd seen? the two kids in white jackets stopped talking, quietly admitted this was the first time they'd seen it and then told us the surgeon would be right in.
thank you and buh-bye.

finally he walked in. i held my breath. he scoped and looked around, he was somber, a little serious. surgeons are hard to read. finally he said everything looks good and he'd most likely see any tumor regrowth before a scan saw it. whew. we told him we were head to get an mri and pet scan after his appointment. he asked that we get copies of those to him because his radiologist will read them as well as his tumor board. matt succeeded in making him laugh.

we asked about phantom smells. he said it could be the sensors trying to kick start. it could be the brain compensating for what's gone. hard to tell. he said give it more time. whatever matt has in 6 more months is most likely all he'll have.

he told us to see the neurosurgeon for a follow up, he wants that every 3 months. i'm not sure why. perhaps it's "standard"?

he also asked about matt's hearing. funny thing. all along matt has denied much hearing loss, though the rest of know there's a significant change and like everything else, we tease about it. but the other day it was very evident in the car that something went wrong when taylor asked me to send her a picture and matt replied with, "did we tape sesame street???" we all laughed. hard. and we knew he clearly didn't hear her. at the appointment matt told the surgeon his hearing was worse and dr. b ordered another hearing test with the specialist. matt said, what? i nodded my head. the surgeon shook his, we all laughed again.

we asked why matt got a massive headache after swimming in the ocean. the surgeon said because he has so much space now because not only was the tumor removed but so was a lot of other stuff. the flap and tissue that would normally keep water out is gone so when you have water go up the nose, with matt, it doesn't stop or go down to the mouth. it keeps going up and when the cold ocean water hits the brain lining, you experience a shock in temperature thus giving you a brain freeze. makes sense. he did caution us as there is so much bacteria in the water, but as long as matt continues to rinse, he should be ok. he also gave us another round of antibiotic rinse to help with irrigating. matt's tissue still has to learn to take care of itself and this will help in the mean time.

after this appointment we got to see our nurse, joe. matt invited him to the crusade and joe said he wouldn't miss it. matt has prayed for joe often and they've become close. i call this a cancer bonus. one of the amazing things that has happened as a direct result of the cancer. we would probably not meet otherwise.

from the surgeon's office, we headed back to riverside for the pet scan and mri. after 4 attempts, they got the iv in his hand. we're told veins take time to rebuild. scan results will come tuesday. but while matt was getting his scans, i went up to say hi to our friends in the oncology office and chemo room.

so many people have made an impact on us through the various appointments and treatments, but if i had to reflect back on everyone, it's our buddy, james who stands out the most. maybe you remember him, i wrote about him in previous entries. we met him a few times during chemo. he was old, he was frail. he had lived a full life. when we met him he had the advanced stages of cancer, it was pretty bad. he lived alone and a transport service brought him in his wheel chair to chemo. the last time i saw him he was bruised and bandaged from a fall, my heart broke. he'd sit as close to matt as his chemo chair would allow and listen intently as we read the bible, at times he'd shut his eyes, at the end he'd interject or ask questions. then he'd tell us stories. each time we saw him, matt would end their visit by holding his hand and praying for him. it's been a few months since we've seen james and it was yesterday that we found out james finished his race, he beat cancer. he's in heaven where there is no more sadness, no more pain, no more tears. i believe he heard well done. matt and i couldn't stop the tears. knowing perhaps, just maybe, we were able, through our own cancer journey, able to make a small impact on a man during his cancer battle. it truly makes it all worth it. i didn't see that before, i couldn't say it before. now, faced with the very realization that a man we prayed with is sitting a jesus' feet, is so...i don't know, i don't even have the words. i'm in awe.

2 cor 4:17 says "for our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that outweighs them all." in the scheme or eternity, our lives - our cancer, is light and momentary. no matter what happens here, this is not the end. heaven is. eternity is. what we do in life, our successes, the earthly things we live for, none of it matters so much, people are the only thing we can take with us to heaven.

cancerschmancer - the book

on another note, i've been asked to write. i'll be honest, i'm so scared.

people are mean, critics are mean. i'm not sure i can handle that on top of everything else.

but after some prodding, it is something i'm praying about. matt said he wants me to write a book so he can retire. ha! well, we'd have to charge a lot per book since we'll only need to print about 100 copies but that's another story.

but last night i heard a speaker at church, catherine martin. she shared a story in matthew 14.

it was the 4th watch in the night. it was the darkest hour. it was stormy. they cried out in fear.
oh how i relate.

Jesus told them, be of good cheer, it is I. do not be afraid.
He called peter out of the boat and on to the water, "come" He said. and peter took a step toward Jesus but then looked again at the storm and he started to go down. Jesus stretched out his hand and caught him, asking, "why do you doubt, you have little faith."

i am afraid. i see the storm. but He wants us to get out of the boat. step out in faith.

if you think of it, please pray. i'm not sure where to start. i'm praying the Lord will open doors, He'll provide people to guide me. perhaps even to write with me. He knows. please pray most of all that He would be glorified.

cancerschmancer - 18 days interrupted

there's so much happening now, this update seemed too long for facebook. so if you're reading this, if you've been following our story, if you're praying, thank you.

three weeks ago today marked the beginning of the last round of chemo. there's was a celebration. we'd hit a milestone. balloons and cupcakes, big rubber noses were all brought out in the chemo room. i mean what else do you do to celebrate nasal cancer? they sang for us and wrote us notes that said "we never want to see you again." and "don't come back." we were overjoyed!

the next week, may 1, we saw the surgeon. he de-gunked matt's nasal area, brain lining and sent what he found on to culture. he recommended meds to treat the staph infection and told us that he'd see us in a month. but, he said, if we need to come in before then, please do. we said, thanks but no thanks.

18 days with no doctor appointments!!
my calendar was clear for 2 entire weeks. what joy! we were excited….
we haven't had this kind of stretch in over a year.

we ditched the kids, town and all responsibility for the weekend! it was glorious!!

then the culture came back.

matt's staph infection had worsened and now he had a secondary bacterial infection. before stronger meds could be administered, matt needed a hearing test. forget 18 days, so much for even going a single week without a doctor appointment. the meds recommended to fight this could lead to hearing loss and we needed to know how bad his hearing was before we could move forward. i told them i knew he couldn't hear. we joke that he has selective hearing, but in reality matt has legitimate hearing loss.

but to appease them, we got our appointment "stat" and thursday of last week we met with the audiologist.

he ran tests and concluded matt's hearing loss was indeed worse than when he tested him back in november (after radiation, mid chemo). he called it "husband hearing". matt couldn't hear high frequency sounds. crowded rooms, restaurants, loud places are more difficult. he can't distinguish sounds well. he can completely function, but it won't be easy to understand what people are saying if he isn't look at them and we'll hear "what?" a lot.

we're told this was brought on by chemo and radiation and could be treated with hearing aids if matt wanted. before matt could even start to answer, the doctor said we had time to think about it because we'd have to wait until after treatment is done so he could further assess him. i guess matt always has time to change his mind…sigh. but for now, one thing at a time.

the doctor said the hearing wouldn't come back. it's a problem with the inner ear. matt also has ringing in his ears. that, we understand is the brain compensating for the hearing loss. and there is no treatment for that. matt can drown it out with music in the car or white noise. aside from that, he just needs to get used to it. he tries to tune it out.

i asked the audiologist if he has ever had a patient with hearing loss as a result of this type of med cocktail and he said no. (shocking right? we get that a lot!) he said, "we can treat the hearing issue; do what you have to do to get rid of the infections."

so that day, the report went to the oncologist who sent it the surgeon. it was decided to move forward with this cocktail knowing the risks. if we don't treat the staph infection, the hearing won't be a problem. get my drift?

that night taylor came into our room and leaned over to kiss matt. she said, "good night daddy." he smiled and looked up at her and replied, "i love you too sweetheart."
we laughed and shook our heads, it's true, he can't hear.

today matt went back to the surgeon's office to get everything cleaned out again before he starts the cocktail tomorrow. the idea is that the meds will more effectively hit the affected area if the crusting and staph goop are gone. since we've done this countless times, and the surgeon wasn't even going to be there, matt drove himself to that appointment at uci.

well what do you know, the surgeon showed up after the sucking, scraping, and excavating session that the resident did on matt. he scoped matt's nose with the camera and said everything looks really good. he said healing looks like it's going really well.

and he decided to remove a bone. (uh what?!!)

he made two cuts and pulled out a piece the size of a fingernail. matt text me and gave me this update. i have since called the surgeon to find out what bone and why did it need to come out? did he see something that caused concern? i trust him completely, but we've never discussed a need for this before so it sort of surprised me. matt has a headache, understandably. he said it was the most painful appointment yet. and then he drove himself to work.

so with that, we start the new cocktail tomorrow. we see the oncologist next week and the surgeon the following week.

if i have things calculated correctly, we'll have more scans early june.

proverbs 31:25, "she is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future."
i look forward to the days of laughter again.

cancerschmancer - to try to live again

sorry it's been a while. i know i promised an update almost 2 weeks ago when we got our new scans.

but since that day, we've tried to live normally again. at least for a short time. we've learned with cancer, you never know what's next so you have to take every opportunity given. these past 11 days we've tried our best to live without cancer.

as i mentioned, we got good news at the oncologist: "according to the latest MRI and PET/CT, there's no evidence of cancer"

what does that mean?
is he cancer free? no, those words won't be spoken until he's had years of clean scans.
is there still cancer? only God knows.

what they did find were two spots that "lit up" in the scans. one was the spleen and that, they believe is a result of the bone marrow shot, neulasta. i'll admit, in the back of my mind, i wonder if it is indeed the shot. this cancer is known to appear in the organs. i'm trying to take that thought captive and believe it is the neulasta.

the other spot that was lit up was in the nasal area. it was 2.7 cm or mm, i'm not sure. still big enough. we're told it's "considerably smaller" than what showed at the previous scan - 6 weeks ago. they believe this is tissue healing from surgery. as long as it gets smaller and doesn't stay the same size - or grow - we're ok.
they say.

i reminded the oncologist we've been told this is rare, aggressive and because the tumor didn't have a hard shell, and is known to grow feelers, she nodded her head in agreement, i asked, at what point would cancer cells show up if any were left behind during surgery? we're not sure was the response and that's why we'll do scans often. that's why she (and the city of hope team and the UCI team) recommend a 4th round of chemo - just in case.

the surgeon will continue to check matt's nose, brain area and optic nerve area with his camera every month for a year and if he sees anything at all, we go straight back into surgery. they call it a biopsy, but because of the location, it's a repeat surgery.

matt will also have an MRI every 2 months and a PET/CT every 4 months for about 5 years.

so did we get good news? yes.
is my heart still concerned? yes.

i'm just not at the jump up and down stage. yet.
but are we praising God, absolutely.
He has done great things and we are filled with joy. psalm 126:3

we took the kids and that news and went to DQ!

and we're at peace. they are treating him aggressively and we're thankful. we're just not done.

and that's why we're trying to live again.

cancer is disruptive. it's emotional. and it's expensive. boy is it expensive.
imagine doubling up on your house payment each month, but not getting another house. and not having any warning. that's about what it's like. literally. i'm reminded of the saying, kids nickle and dime you to death. so does cancer.

yes we have insurance, thank God. but the co-pays are ridiculously high and there are a lot of them. having said that, God has provided, we can't complain. at all. we're not lacking. we're adjusting and we're growing in our faith. we're living with cancer. and this is part of it. matt and i often laugh when a bill comes because we have no idea how it's going to be paid and then we cry in awe and humbleness when God provides in ways we can't even imagine.

and then this came in the mail... again, we're tearfully in awe.

when i looked at this hefty bill and the receipt with the red PAID tucked in the fold, i couldn't help but think about good friday. in the same way, we should be billed for our sins but we're not. He paid for them on that cross. we're free and clear because of His love for us. it's undeserving, unmerited. grace. it's all so much to take in.

the day after the diagnosis, matt was brought into the pastors meeting and they laid hands on him and prayed. every aspect was covered. i cried. i remember clearly though, one pastor prayed for financial provision. i remember thinking, we have insurance, it's all good. apparently this pastor knew things i did not. i'm thankful he covered that aspect because i had no idea. yet God has and we trust will continue to hear the prayer of that man as well as the others who prayed for every other aspect of matt's cancer.

because this is such a roller coaster in all areas, we try to live normally when we can.
this has not only been emotional on us, but the kids too. they are growing, as we are. they struggle, as we do. their lives have been clearly disrupted too. they try to not complain, but it's hard for them. very hard. we're all learning grace.

so we live.
so we try to go places without a plan.
we try to take every opportunity to do things when matt feels good.
we were recently blessed with a "do something fun" fund.
it's not for medical bills, it's not for co-pays. it's a gift from Him they said, and we were to use it to enjoy moments with the kids, make memories.
have fun.
laugh.
this person clearly knew what our family needed.
i'm tearing up as i type.
humbled again.

so we decided to take the kids to magic mountain. at one point, matt opted to stay off a ride and take a nap. it was ok. i'd rather have matt nap and be with us, than miss out all together. levi caught a lizard and scared the girls at a ride exit. i told levi when i count to three, jump towards the girls. and i snapped the picture.
it.
was.
hilarious!

the girls eventually forgave him.

we rode batman backwards. the kids got stuck on colossus as it went backwards when it shut down mid ride. we laughed. we screamed. we ate too much. we walked too much. we stayed out way too late. we lived normally...

...and it felt good.

i'm thankful for that because today matt gets blood work done.
monday begins another 3 day round of chemo
with that comes more pills, more iv pokes, more aches and pains, more nausea, more tiredness, more reminders that we are living with cancer - it's all happening too soon. again.
and the following week we see the surgeon.

in all of this though, we're thankful. i recently read a blog entry by a sweet friend, jennie lusko. she talks about her 10 year anniversary to her husband and what they have experienced. though our situations are completely different, i wholeheartedly agree with what she writes:

"While dreams have come true over and over again, even in our worst nightmare God has held us, and brought us closer in a depth we'd never knew had we not walked through these waters (as much as i wish we could know the dept of intimacy without the pain.)"

it's true. i wish we could experience the depth of intimacy with Christ without the pain, but it's not possible. if i'm being honest, i'd like to experience the promised land without the desert experience. but then would the promised land be as good?

we're thankful. we're blessed. we press on.

cancerschmancer - too healthy for cancer...what?

well after two treatments, the effects of chemo have hit.

the good news is, today we had a new nurse and she got the IV the first try. they have learned matt's veins are "too healthy" for cancer...what? they have thick walls and the needles bend when they hit - ironic right? sometimes when they put the needle in it goes through both sides of the vein wall and we have a "blown vein," other times the veins just bump out of the way. but today, the nurse didn't hesitate or attempt to go at it gently, and, well, she nailed it. matt is a little sore, but at least it only took one poke! 

after today's treatment, he is super tired and overall just. doesn't. feel. good.
he opted for a simple soup for dinner with a side of tylenol and is hitting the sack as i update. personally, i'll take tired over nausea any day. he is achy and his body needs rest to heal. he still has treatment tomorrow so please pray as they give him a bit more of this cocktail. it's hard for him to rest when he wants to spend time with the kids and keep up the house. we keep reminding each other, this is just a season.

little update on the "what's next"...
as i previously said, thursday we see the surgeon. he'll put the camera up matt's nose; he'll take a sample to see if the staph infection is gone and he'll look around the surgery site (up to the brain!) and see if it's all healing well.

thursday, matt will also give himself another bone marrow booster shot. this will intensify the aches for about a week and then he'll start to feel better.

and we found out that this friday matt will have his pet/ct. sometime between now and then he'll also have his mri. these both require time in the tube. not good when you don't feel good.
none of these appointments are too pleasant, but to do them right after 3 days of chemo and it's a whole different level of miserable. prayer please?

we expect to get the results of the scans when we see the oncologist on monday. this will determine the course of treatment or if the end is in sight...you can guess how i'm praying!! if everything is clear, we have one more round of chemo april 21 and then we're done except for tons of scans and doctor appointments.

matt was a little concerned that i posted a picture of him working in the chemo room. 

i'll clarify, no his company doesn't make him do that; you know that saying, "if you love what you do, you'll never a work a day in your life"? well that's matt. he LOVES what he does. his company has been extremely supportive, the TRL family has been utterly amazing. i just like to tease matt because i imagined that we'd spend quality time in chemo - and most days we do.

i'm doing a little catch up in deuteronomy and today i read 10:21. it says, "He is your praise and He is your God, who has done for you these great and awesome things which your eyes have seen." i love that. we've seen such great and awesome things on our cancer road. in fact, as i read this, i'm reminded, our very eyes have seen the cancer leave matt's body. if you remember before, we shared that chunks of the tumor came out as matt blew his nose. gross, i know. but really, who sees their cancer leave? 
our very eyes have seen so many other things - too many to mention in fact. but yeah, it's great and it's very awesome.

a chapter later i read about the promised land. it's full of blessings. it's rich. it's close. 
chapter 11:12 says, "a land for which the Lord your God cares; the eyes of the Lord your God are always on it, from the beginning of the year to the end." 

we trust our promise land is coming soon. 

we're almost there 
and 
i
can't
wait!

cancerschmancer - breaking camp

for the first time, i feel like i have a word from the Lord in this.

don't get me wrong, He has spoken to my heart plenty. daily He ministers to me. from the Word, i draw strength. it keeps me moving. breathing. living.

from the Word, i've been reminded He gives life. He is the author and finisher. He shelters us with His wings. He leads us. He walks with us. He is good. He is faithful. He wants us to pray. He desires we grow. He loves us. He went to prepare a place for us. our lives here are temporary. i have learned to be patient. (ok, so we're working on this one). i've learned to follow His lead. to trust Him with my whole heart. that His will is perfect. He has a purpose to accomplish. He desires that we would glorify Him.

every time i read the Word, something speaks to my heart. but through this, i haven't gotten a "word" from the Lord, if you will, on which direction we'll go. people have shared their experiences with me. while it's encouraging; that was for them.

when people share a meaningful verse with me, i'm blessed. truly. and it is added to my Hope pile. i read from that pile often. i reflect on those verses. i draw strength from them.

one verse the Lord gave me early on was this, 2 chronicles 2:17, "but you will not even need to fight. take your positions; then stand still and watch the Lord's victory."

while that's a good word. and one i committed to memory that day, i'm not entirely sure what it means. of course, it's the Lord's battle. i trust Him to fight it. i'll stand back and watch. but ultimately, will the Lord choose to heal matt or will He take my beloved Home? i don't know. i just know it's His battle to fight. He will have victory. often i've asked, but what does it mean???!!!! i know what i WANT it to mean, but what does it actually mean in light of our situation? you see my dilemma?

so yesterday in my quiet time, the Lord spoke to my heart for the first time like this since matt was diagnosed. when He speaks words that bring Hope, it's different than when others speak it. don't ask me how it's different, it just is. and i got excited. my heart started pounding and i was all giddy. i had a complete peace in my heart.

in deuteronomy 1:6 the Lord speaks to them and says, you have dwelt long enough at this mountain. and in verse 7 they are told to break camp. their 40 years in the desert was over. it was time to move on.

then in luke 6:21 i read, blessed are you who weep now, for you shall laugh.

now i don't know how much longer the Lord will have us in this place. we haven't gotten any new news. no new scans. no new treatment plan. no phone calls. nothing new. it's just a "feeling." it may be a wrong feeling. i don't know.

we still have 2 more chemo rounds (each of 3 treatments) scheduled at this point and many doctor appointments and more scans in the next few weeks before we'll know anything for sure. but if it's all clear, we have about 5 more weeks in the desert and then it will be time to break camp. oh could it be true? laughter is coming!

i'm holding onto these as promises. they bring hope in this dark desperate situation.

as i meditated on this more, and thought about it all day and night, i was reminded that they spent 40 years in the wilderness. i also thought about church the day before. pastor Greg shared about a man who was healed after 38 years.

nope, not going there.

for me, i'm trusting that it's almost time to break camp.

cancerschmancer - don't look back

today's post is something that has been heavy on my heart over the past week. i felt i needed to write it down. to remember it. so i can reflect back at a later day. hold myself accountable. share my heart in honest form.

if you are interested. if you struggle with this. if you want to know where my heart is today, join me.

lately, i've struggled with looking back.
in an earlier post i shared about the day of surgery and the surgeon saying, if only you had only... that post can be found here, but i'll warn you, grab a kleenex.{the surgery day}

anyway, there are many fronts of the big storm around me, smaller tornadoes, a little rain, waves with high swells, sometimes the only thing holding me still is the anchor. hebrews 6:19 says hope is our anchor.
an anchor keeps a boat from  moving. hope keeps me in place. it keeps my eyes focused properly. without that anchor, i'd be tossed about. i'd drown.

it's all part of the big storm i'm going through in my life. cancer is only part of it.
i look in the fridge, i see the antibiotic matt has been taking for 28 days.
i look on the kitchen counter and i see his current meds. in the cupboard are the ones "just in case."
the hook near the door, where he used to hang baseball caps, now holds beanies.
my purse now contains pain meds and ear plugs.

watching matt ache, seeing his bald head, knowing his energy level isn't what it used to be burdens my heart. i know it's a direct result of the cancer.
today i put a new lotion on my hands and asked him to smell it. it was pretty strong, he shook his head.
nope. nothing.

the other night we had a spicy amazing mexican pork dinner made for us. he said he could taste the pepper.
grrrrr.

the kids and i often have to repeat ourselves. we tease that he has an excuse for the selective hearing. but really, it's not funny. it's just our way of coping.

i want him to smell. taste. hear.

daily we are reminded cancer is part of our home.

if we'd only... no i can't go there.
because we didn't.

we didn't discover it sooner.
we didn't opt for surgery before treatment as one medical center advised only after the fact.
we didn't know how to prepare.

rather than being pro-active, in a sense we are being reactive.

the kids are getting older. taylor is two and a half years from being 18. levi is two years behind her. i feel like cancer has robbed us of a precious season of their teenage years. i have been reflecting back on them as young kids. babies. toddlers. the elementary years. it causes my heart to ache. not the sentimental, my babies are growing up kind, but i am angry. because we'll never get this time back.

yes we learned a lot, don't get me wrong. and God has been faithful. He's taught us many things in this.
but i feel that we've been robbed. in my mind this isn't how we were to spend taylor's 15th year and levi's 13th year.

now even just looking at pictures "life of before" makes my heart ache. if i knew then what i know now, would i have done things differently when they were little?

i'd have slowed down.
i'd have focused more on reading to them instead of ...
we'd have played games.
gone on adventures.

if only...there are so many regrets.

but i'm reminded of what it says in the Word.
in genesis 19 we read that lot's wife was told don't look back.
she did and she died.
did she long for what she used to have? did she hesitate in her obedience? i'm not sure. but i know she did the very thing she was told not to do. she looked back.

proverbs 4:25 says, let your eyes look straight ahead. fix your gaze directly before you.
fix my gaze. to stare intently.
don't be distracted.

and philippians 3:13 tells us to forget that which is behind and strain for what is ahead.
strain.

of course we can learn from the past. but to focus on it may not be the best idea. have you ever tried to run a race while looking behind you? you can't win that way. you have to focus your eyes on the prize and strain to the finish line.

as i meditate on this, i have a lump in my throat. a heavy heart. a physical ache.

so many things i could have done differently. but by thinking about what i missed yesterday, i am missing out on today.

so this week my goal is to keep my eyes on the prize.
train my mind to think about heaven and the mansion He went to prepare for me.
stare and strain.