cancerschmancer - the surgery day

i was going to write about a few things going on but none of them would make sense without knowing what happened the day of surgery, so here goes…

the night before surgery, a few friends came over and we spent time in prayer over matt and worshipping together. i have to say, it was one of THE BEST times we've had in the past 6 months.
worshipping is one of my favorite things ever and to sit next to matt and the kids, it doesn't get any better. no surprise, i shed a tear or two. taylor prayed for her daddy and it was very sweet. i love hearing her pray things like Your will Lord, we trust You with my daddy, be glorified in this, we know You have a purpose and we trust it, whether you choose to heal him here on earth or in Heaven, we know it's perfect and we love you. ahhh, moments like that make a mom's heart full. when she cried, i bawled, as did just about everyone else. her tender heart was breaking as it was growing.

fast forward - we didn't get much sleep. we were up at 2:45am and on the road by 4am. check in for the hospital was 5am and we got there a few minutes early. we were first in line for valet (see there are benefits to an early surgery time!) we had a few minutes to listen to kwve and pray. finally we snapped a picture and headed up to the second floor to check in.

at about 5:10, they took matt back and gave me a pager. they said when it goes off, come see us, we'll have news to tell you. and then they said once matt is settled, they'd call me back to see him before surgery. i sat in the waiting room. alone. with my Bible in my lap, i tried to read. my mind was all over the place. i couldn't focus at all on the words on the page. soon the pages became blurry as my eyes welled up. this wasn't supposed to happen. why were we sitting at uci at 5:15am waiting for surgery to begin? cancer? did matt really have it? how did we get to this place when he's always been so healthy? what would the results say? would they get it all? about an hour later friends and family started showing to be with me.

they let me go back to see matt at about 6:30. surgery was slated to begin at 7am. when i walked into his pre-op room, i immediately cried, then he did too. he was laying in his hospital bed with a gown. he said they couldn't get the iv in. a doctor came in and on the sixth or seventh attempt, they got a vein. they said they'd get a second iv in, one used for back up during surgery, when matt was fast asleep. they gave us a few minutes while they checked this and that, and matt and i got to pray one more time.

then they took him back. i went back out to the waiting room with my pager. and i waited. and waited.
finally at about 10 or 11am they paged me. i jumped up, yelled bingo! and ran to the counter. (i thought i only did that in my head, but a dear friend said later, no, no, you said it out loud sarah sue.) at the counter they said he's still in surgery and everything is good. ummm ok and...? she said ok? i said that's it? yes, she said, that's it. so i went back to the group with a spring in my step. all was well.

now mind you, we knew our purpose at the hospital was to be a light. keeping this in mind, we went downstairs to grab a bite. and as we were done, i saw an older, distinguished looking man in a white doctor coat eating his lunch. he minding his own business - perhaps i should have followed that example - but no. he had a stack of files at his table and he looked important. i decided to thank him, be that light at uci. because i'm sure his job, whatever it was, was thankless. (why i thought that, i have no idea!!)

funny how many details of that day are hazy, but i remember what i said to him word for word, and every time i think of it, i cringe, surely you've had those moments that you relive over and over?

so i walked up to him and said this: i don't know what you do around here but based on your jacket and that stack of files, it's probably important. so thank you. my husband is upstairs in surgery and i'm sure you had a part in that. (what?!!!) the look on his face showed one of confusion. so i again thanked him and walked away. when i turned around my mom was dying, she literally had tears running down her face. now that i think about it, it was the most ridiculous decisions i made during our time at uci. i decided it was no big deal, i wouldn't see him again. then i realized that isn't true, we'd be there for a week. ugh. so i decided from then on, i'd shy way from thanking anyone who might look important based on their jacket and files. i guess the lack of sleep from the night before was starting to get to me.

fast forward a few hours. we hadn't heard anything new. some family and friends came, others left. and sometime about 3pm, the pager went off again.

my heart raced, i jumped up and ran to the desk. a surgeon i had not met was standing there. he held his hand out and said, mrs. jarrett, i'm dr. hsu, i am one of the surgeons working with dr. b. why don't you join me in a private room so we can talk. is there anyone you want with you? i said no, and somehow i made it to a chair in that small room. he looked at me and said, oh it's not bad, don't worry. i was trembling, shaking and had to concentrate to even breathe. i wished i had kleenex. instead like a kid, i used my sleeve. yes i did. i'm not positive of his exact words but he told me matt was still in surgery and it was going well. there was a lot of live tumor in there, more than they expected. they took a lot of samples. and one sample in particular was concerning, it was from the right optic nerve wall and pathology said it was positive. his cancer was further than we hoped. it had feelers. they couldn't go any further in surgery. he said we can always do more radiation and chemotherapy. or we can choose to take the eye. i said take it. he smiled and shook his head, he said that was a decision i'd have to make with matt. (later when i told matt about this, he reminded me that we never even discussed that. i told him i didn't care, if it meant saving matt, he could lose the eye.) the surgeon said we have time, that surgery couldn't be done through the nose, it was a more extensive surgery, cutting his head. it would be for another day. i told the dr. we couldn't do anymore radiation, we've gone to the max dose for that area. he replied with, that's why we'd have done surgery first, treatment second. but he said, matt and i would need to discuss quality vs. quantity of life. this was a serious, rare and aggressive cancer. there are decisions to be made. he said, i'm very sorry.

i left the room starting to second guess our decision of treatment first and was reminded by what i had just read about Lot's wife in the one year bible. she looked back. no, i wasn't going there. we made a decision based on the information we had way back then and now we were looking ahead.

i walked out numb. the one person i needed to talk to wasn't available. he was in surgery. my best friend wasn't there.

when i made it back to our area, i collapsed on the floor at the feet of my friends and family. i told them what dr. hsu said, somehow with all of the tears and sobbing, they understood me and they prayed. i needed a few minutes, i needed air, i needed space, i needed time to digest it before i could call the kids.

i took my bible, my phone and my pager and i went into the bathroom. i stood up against the counter and i cried. i sobbed. the counter held me up. i asked the Lord why matt. why?! it was the first time i questioned, if you will, His plan in this. i wasn't ok with this. i've trusted Him, i've relied on Him, but the God who can do anything wasn't choosing healing. i didn't understand. my kids' faith had grown and i didn't want to shatter that because His will wasn't our will. that realization was starting to hit. i turned on pandora and worshipped with chris tomlin.

i opened to the psalms and remembered that we were taught in case of emergency, 911. i couldn't remember if it was psalm 9:11 or psalm 91:1. but i turned to chapter 91. it brought such incredible comfort. it was very real. i read about how we live under His shadow, He'll deliver you, He'll cover you, He is our fortress, in Him will i trust. He protects us, under His wings we take refuge, we don't have to be afraid. the chapter closes with He shall call upon Me and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble; I will deliver him and honor him. with long life I will satisfy him and show him My salvation. there's a lot of great stuff in that psalm.

i'm not sure how long i was in that bathroom. but after a while, i went back out and had to call the kids.
i got them on the phone and took them through that psalm. i tried not to cry. while i was talking to them, my friends and family at the hospital prayed over me. for comfort, for wisdom, for the right words, for the kids' hearts. i told the kids the truth as we have all along. but i told them we were going to trust Him in this because He is faithful. He loves us. He won't leave us. we will remember all of the amazing things God has done so far. we prayed, i told them i loved them. and then i hung up and fell apart again. that was the second hardest thing i've ever done. the first of course, was telling them their daddy had cancer.

more family came in, we had now taken over a good section of the waiting room. jamie got there. and then the pager went off again. it was now about 5pm. i drug myself to the counter, no longer running or walking with a spring in my step, the word bingo didn't enter my mind. it was a very slow pathetic walk. there were no doctors this time, just the lady at the desk. she asked me to go into a bigger private room to meet with both surgeons, dr. b and dr. hsu. jamie, armed with her notebook and me, armed with a wad of kleenex, made our way to that room and waited. the two surgeons met us there and had exhausted smiles. they said matt was out. he was being wheeled to recovery. it went well they said. they explained that the results before may have been too premature. the cells still have active radiation and they are easily confused with cancer cells. to be honest, they really aren't sure if the particular optic nerve wall biopsy was cancer or not. they called in another big wig (my words, not theirs) surgeon and a more experienced pathologist and neither could say for sure. so they sent the samples on for more pathology testing. we'd have to wait about 5-10 days to know for sure. (we've since found out that those two in question came back negative!) in the mean time, i could see my beloved in an hour. they went on to explain how there was a lot more live cancer in the area than they expected, they took samples and samples until they got negative results. 29 samples in all. there were places they couldn't go deep because it was the optic nerve wall and the brain lining and once you've hit those, you can only go so far. but they did the best they could. they said it was a very long surgery, longer than than anticipated, one of the longest they'd done. dr. b never left the room, he was tired.

we thanked them and walked out. we let the rest of the family know that we were once again in limbo, but maybe it wasn't as bad as we once thought. calls were made, texts were sent and more tears were shed. i had to once again call the kids and let them know the update. it was then that they both cried. then i cried. the uncertainty is hard. finally at 6:15, i got to see my love in icu. he was pale, his eyes weren't open, he had just thrown up, but he was there. it was all i could do not to jump into that bed next to him and listen to his heart beat. i held his hand and he squeezed mine. it was a moment i'll never forget.

and thus began our 5 nights at uci.