my heart aches, it physically hurts. i feel as though there is a weight sitting on my chest. it's hard to breathe. it's hard to stand. it's hard to formulate a thought. i'm really at a loss for words.
yesterday - 2 years and 5 days from the initial diagnosis, we found out matt's cancer has returned. stage 4. again. he was in remission for 13 months. 13 months! 13 months of excitement. 13 months of extra innings of life. we had the best 13 months. we learned what it meant to live. to love. to be intentional. to be spontaneous. we laughed. we were busy. we were exhausted.
and suddenly, without warning, the plans for the remaining part of the year have been cancelled. the magnetic dry erase calendar on our fridge was wiped clean. it has been filled with doctor appointments. scans. chemo. radiation. biopsies. laughter has been replaced with tears.
oh we trust God. we know He has a plan. but we don't understand it. at all. i can't seem to wrap my head around why. why matt, the one everyone LOVES is sick. again. why, when he was so faithful in round 1 is now in round 2? why do we have to do this again. why is the one with the recurrence of the "rare and aggressive" cancer the glue holding us all together? matt is the one who prays when we don't have the words nor the strength. he's the one who listens to bible studies to and from work and can't wait to tell us everything he has learned. he's the one who calls and says you're going to love what you read in the one year bible babe. he's the matt we love.
in some ways it feels like round 2 is harder than round 1. perhaps because we know what to expect? perhaps because we've done it before, all too recently and we remember it too well. we know the long days. the nausea. the fatigue. the endless scans and doctor appointments. in other ways it's easier because we know what to expect, we've done it before and we remember it well.
as of yesterday, we've begun a new hope pile - we still have the pile from the previous round. but we're starting fresh. our friends and family have so graciously started a website to provide meals and donate financially towards the upcoming medical bills. we've become the recipients of so much grace and love and understanding and prayer. oh the prayer, it's so welcome. our hearts are at peace. sad and broken but at peace. we are often found speechless because of the outpouring of support we've received. we're just in awe.
as i thought about this round, i was reminded of the israelites in the old testament who walked in the wilderness for 40 years. their food was provided daily. as they needed it. they had a cloud of protection by day; fire by night. their shoes never wore out. they experienced God's faithfulness and quickly forgot and start complaining. for 40 years they walked. finally - they made it to the promised land. we don't know how long we'll walk. we know God provides what we need when we need it - spiritually and physically. we know we've been surrounded by many who walk with us. we know the promised land is coming. we know that we must keep walking and we must keep remembering what He has done.
in the next few weeks matt will meet with a pulmonologist, he'll have a ct scan to determine the sizes of the cancerous lymph nodes in the bronchial. he'll have a biopsy to confirm what they are already sure of. we'll meet with a radiation oncologist to get that plan in motion. my matty will have chemo and radiation simultaneously. again. the same stuff he had before. it will knock him. we'll get back up. it will knock him harder. we'll get back up. he'll do this 3 days in a row every three weeks for several rounds. our prayer is that the cancer will be gone and matt will go into remission once again.
though we don't know why. we do know God has created us for His pleasure. we know He desires to be glorified in and through our lives. we know He loves us with an unending, unfailing love. we hold tightly to His promises and they are our every breath. we know we will get to experience Him so deeply and so intimately and that is one thing i am looking forward to.
thank you for walking with us again. thank you for loving us. thank you for continuing to pray for us and with us.
