it came after 11 months. behind us are many treatments, too many doctor appointments to count, medications that fill our fridge, counter and cupboard. and carrying us, are people praying, more than we could ever know on this side of heaven. we're thankful for this day.
i cried when our oncologist told us. tears of utter gratefulness to our God.
so many emotions went through my mind. thankfulness. mercy. love. knowing He allowed matt more time on this earth to complete the work He started. that's a huge responsibility too, because we know He isn't done with him. He still has a purpose to accomplish.
i feel like i've been given more time with this man i love.
and i love him. i never knew i could love him so deeply. cancer showed me. cancer showed me a lot of things.
we're given a second chance. days not afforded to everyone and i certainly didn't want to waste a moment. i want to listen to his heart beat every night, laying with my head on his chest until my neck gets a kink. i want to feel my hand in his. i want to stare into those blue eyes. i want to listen to his voice as he prays. as he shares his heart with the kids. i want to see that ornery twinkle, the way he smiles when he's about to do something that will no doubt make us all laugh. i want to live every day. intentionally, purposefully and until we're exhausted.
i don't know how many days of remission we'll have. it could be until our next doctor appointment, it could be until matt is 90. only One knows that for sure. the rest of us live day by day.
this past weekend matt had the opportunity to talk with luke, of for King & Country. he has faced serious illness over the past year and these two men met and talked for a very long time. i heard a little of what they talked about, stuck around to take a picture of the two, and then peeled off to get some work done at the crusade.
one thing luke said that i complete understand is this:
i'm ok if i never get better. i actually never want the symptoms to completely go away because i want to experience God like this forever. i never want to lose sight of Him and forget everything He has done. i agree with that.
but i want to be done. but on the other hand, luke's words went through my head. i can't experience Him so deeply without this moment by moment dependance. but i want to be done.
then monday happened. one day after this conversation.
matt discovered a lump in his right breast area. the oncologist wanted to see us asap. we got in there, she felt the lump. her look said she was concerned and she ordered tests that would take place the next day. she said nothing about matt is normal and we need to know what is going on. we can't depend on what we think we know in his case. nope, she wasn't smiling this time. she said not to worry, breast cancer in men is very rare. and then she stopped herself from saying anything else. we've all heard that before.
ugh.
an ultrasound and mammogram were ordered for tuesday morning.
i cried again. we sat the kids down. we tried to mask our fear. we ate in n out and talked.
we laughed a bit about dad getting a mammogram. matt renamed it a "man-o-gram."the kids had questions about how exactly it would happen, being a man and all. i told them to get two books and slam them together. i laughed, matt did not. ok, he did. sorta. and the kids did.
and then we focused on what we knew. matt had a lump. that was all we knew.
we prayed. we dug into the word. it became my lifeline again. it was all so vivid and exactly what i needed. He's faithful. He has an unfailing love. He created us for such a time as this. (i'm reading esther in the old testament in the one year bible reading - how timely eh?)
and we went in for the tests. scared but at peace.
on the way in matt looked at me, he was concerned, we talked. he didn't want to start over. i told him i didn't either. but if it meant more time with him, i'd do whatever it took. he didn't share that same feelings. if it was cancer, did we have the strength to have more chemo, more radiation, another surgery and all that goes with that? i'd have to dig deep. we couldn't go there. it was all way too soon.
he had his "man-o-gram" and we waited for the doctor to come in and give us results.
they told us we didn't need the ultrasound after all. they'd call us soon.
we stayed and waited to see the doctor anyway. he was in a procedure and the wait would be long, he couldn't see us. however, when we explained the journey, we were told it was benign and the lump was given a name. we were given a paper explaining it and after quickly scanning it, we put it away and went home.
we still wait for the oncologist to get the report and give us the "what's next" but we're told its all ok. it's not urgent. it's not cancer. it may be a side effect from the steroids and chemo. it's not normal, but is explainable.
sometimes this feels like a roller coaster, not just the ups and downs, but the anticipation is almost worst than the actual ride. but its in that waiting that He becomes so real again. it's the part i never want to forget.
so for the next month, until we see the doctor, we live. we laugh. we love. we hold hands. we sit too close. we re-prioritize. we rejoice every day. we worship. we dig into His word. we look for ways to glorify Him.
we'll see the doctors every month for years. scans are every two months. and with each appointment we walk in with many questions and unknowns but we trust He has a perfect plan. this is a new normal for us.
often i'm encouraged by people who are praying for us. who have followed our story. who are facing their own battle. thank you for sharing these things with us. we're so blessed and honored you'd walk with us and pray.
