when matt was diagnosed with this rare cancer a few months ago, we had no idea what was in store. what i did know was that our faith would grow. we would learn to trust Him more. He would prove Himself faithful. He would be with us. He would show us His love for us. i held on to every promise given to us from the Word and added to my "hope pile" often. (the hope pile is explained in this post)
what i didn't expect was that my heart would be refined. the deep, dark places of my innermost being would be touched. He doesn't just desire for us to grow; He desires to mold us. He reveals the areas that we think we are ok and shakes them to the core and begins changing. He isn't ok with us remaining as we are. He loves us too much.
back in high school, i took a pottery class. it was an easy a my senior year. i remember sitting at the wheel fighting with a piece of clay with the hopes of it becoming a beautiful piece. it became a pathetic bowl or was it an ash tray? i can't remember. unless you really know what you are doing, molding a piece of clay is hard.
but not for Him.
jeremiah 18:3-4, "so i went down to the potter's house and saw him working with the clay at the wheel. He was making a pot from clay. but there was something wrong with the pot. so the potter used that clay to make another pot. with His hands, He shaped the pot the way He wanted it to be."
He is the potter.
i am the clay.
He molds me.
He shapes me.
He presses.
He holds us firmly.
He removes pieces He wants gone.
He presses in.
in the end, we are who He wants us to be.
the process is painful. i could easily turn my back on this. i could justify my thoughts, attitudes and actions with simply saying, my husband has cancer and most people would understand. few would call me on it. but as He reveals these things to me, my desire is that i would learn what He would have for me in this. matt is fighting cancer, my job isn't to sit back. it's to learn what He has for me in this. to be changed by it. lest matt's cancer be in vain. we don't want to waste this.
i'll be honest, i didn't expect these areas to be revealed nor did i realize what a painful process this would be.
is it hard? absolutely.
but am i willing? without a doubt.
Friday, November 22, 2013
cancerschmancer - 2nd appointment with the UCI surgeon
here's an update from jamie, regarding our second appointment with the nasal surgeon at uci.
as you can imagine, yesterday was quite another roller coaster ride.
as you can imagine, yesterday was quite another roller coaster ride.
Hello All,
Well, today was another visit to UCI to see the nasal surgeon. He did another nasal scope and he was very pleased with what he saw. His words were, "you couldn't get a better result than what you have here." The tumor has decreased in size by 70-80% from his last examination of Matt in October. PRAISE THE LORD!! So he described the size of it as being the size of an almond or brazil nut. In measurements, it would be 1 1/2-2 cm. The doctor was impressed at the tumor's response to the chemo/radiation treatments. In addition to this great news, the doctor was confident that the tumor was only compressing the bridge of the nose/edge of the forehead bone. There has been no erosion of bone or optic nerve. We, without hesitation, gave glory to the Lord! We shouted, "Our God is BIG, and we have thousands of people praying!"
The doctor's plan was to have Matt get an MRI and PET/CT scan in about four weeks. (allowing the effects of the radiation to subside a little more) He would see where the tumor was at based on the scans and at that point do some biopsies, if there was any of the tumor left. He stated that the non-surgical treatments have been very successful so he stated that "surgery may not even be necessary." He took the "let's wait and see" approach. And while it would be easy to be fearful with the rare and aggressive nature of this cancer, we have to continue to trust that the Lord is working here!!
So, we left the doctor's office praising the Lord for good news!
And just when we thought that was it...about an hour or two after leaving the doctor's office, Matt received a phone call from his medical oncologist here in Riverside. She told him that she talked to the doctor at UCI and she wants to see him as soon as possible to begin chemotherapy again. They both believe that Matt should begin chemo again to continue to kill and shrink the tumor since non-surgical methods are working really well. We don't have all of the information from the medical oncologist as to why there was such a shift in opinions from just hours before, but we do trust that they have Matt's best interest at heart...and more than that, we are trusting the Lord to be in all of the details of Matt's care.
Please pray for wisdom for the doctors, a clear plan, and for this to be completely in alignment with God's plan for Matt, Sarah and the kids.
Thank you all! Your prayers are coveted.
Jamie
Monday, November 18, 2013
cancerschmancer - in the name of Jesus
we had a relaxing week. no doctor appointments. no treatments.
we actually lived "normally" again.
we had the opportunity to head up the mountain for a short get away.
just the four of us.
we hung out.
we napped.
we talked.
we ate.
we recharged.
we laughed.
we reconnected.
we spent a few hours walking around the village. there's a store that i love and in there, i found a sign that i wanted. i bought it and levi hung it in my kitchen as soon as we got home.
today matt isn't feeling well. he has severe abdominal pain. he vomited twice and he says it was from the pain. his words: "the pain is almost unbearable." there's no fever. no other side effects. the oncologist said to watch him and call her if anything changes.
maybe it's the flu?
maybe it's the cancer?
maybe it's something he ate?
again, we wait and see. my heart hurts. i fear this is only the beginning, my mind is all over the place. my prayer is that it's merely a bump on this cancer road.
again, i take every thought captive. i think on whatsoever things are true. i won't trade what i do know for what i don't know.
after reading in isaiah today, the lyrics to "The Name of Jesus" came to mind and brought such peace as He does. if you have to have a song stuck in your head, pretty much anything by chris tomlin is ok.
"the name of Jesus is a refuge; a shelter from the storm, a help to those who call.
the name of Jesus is a fortress; a saving place to run, a hope unshakeable.
there is power in Your name.
in the name of Jesus, there is life and healing; chains are broken in Your name.
every knee will bow down and our hearts will cry out; songs of freedom in Your name."
we actually lived "normally" again.
we had the opportunity to head up the mountain for a short get away.
just the four of us.
we hung out.
we napped.
we talked.
we ate.
we recharged.
we laughed.
we reconnected.
we spent a few hours walking around the village. there's a store that i love and in there, i found a sign that i wanted. i bought it and levi hung it in my kitchen as soon as we got home.
today matt isn't feeling well. he has severe abdominal pain. he vomited twice and he says it was from the pain. his words: "the pain is almost unbearable." there's no fever. no other side effects. the oncologist said to watch him and call her if anything changes.
maybe it's the flu?
maybe it's the cancer?
maybe it's something he ate?
again, we wait and see. my heart hurts. i fear this is only the beginning, my mind is all over the place. my prayer is that it's merely a bump on this cancer road.
again, i take every thought captive. i think on whatsoever things are true. i won't trade what i do know for what i don't know.
after reading in isaiah today, the lyrics to "The Name of Jesus" came to mind and brought such peace as He does. if you have to have a song stuck in your head, pretty much anything by chris tomlin is ok.
"the name of Jesus is a refuge; a shelter from the storm, a help to those who call.
the name of Jesus is a fortress; a saving place to run, a hope unshakeable.
there is power in Your name.
in the name of Jesus, there is life and healing; chains are broken in Your name.
every knee will bow down and our hearts will cry out; songs of freedom in Your name."
Thursday, November 14, 2013
cancerschmancer - why matt
if you read the first post i wrote, cancerschmancer - the discovery, you may remember reading about the day i told the kids matt had cancer. it's hard to relive those moments. they were by far some of the worst i've experienced as a mom.
one thing in particular that will forever be etched in my mind was when i told taylor. and she fell apart, her head was buried on my chest, neither of us could breathe. she said again and again, why my daddy? why my daddy? i told her again and again, i don't know. i don't know sweetie.
while i still don't know why it has to be matt, i have seen obvious fruit as a result of this. matt has always been an incredible example of Godliness to me and to so many others. he is servant hearted to the core. he is gentle. he is level headed. he's giving. compassionate, he is all of those things that i am not. i don't say this because he has cancer and you always speak the best of people when tragedy hits; but truly because matt is amazing. anyone who knows him, knows of his character and integrity.
yesterday a friend shared streams in the desert with me. i hadn't read it yet. when she emailed it to me, she said she thought of me. as i read it, i thought of my matt.
it reads:
"I have chosen him, so that he will direct his children.(Genesis 18:19)
God chooses people He can depend upon. He knew what to expect from Abraham and said of him, "I have chosen him, so that he will direct his children . . . that the LORD will bring about for Abraham what he has promised him." God knew Abraham would "direct his children."The Lord can be depended upon, and He desires for us to be just as reliable, determined, and stable. This is simply the meaning of faith.
God is looking for people on whom He can place the weight of His entire love, power, and faithful promises. And His engines are strong enough to pull any weight we may attach to them. Unfortunately, the cable we fasten to the engine is often too weak to handle the weight of our prayers. Therefore God continues to train and discipline us in His school of stability and certainty in the life of faith. May we learn our lessons well and then stand firm. A. B. Simpson
God knows that you can withstand your trial, or else He would not have given it to you. His trust in you explains the trials of your life, no matter how severe they may be. God knows your strength, and He measures it to the last inch. Remember, no trial has ever been given to anyone that was greater than that person's strength, through God, to endure it."
i still don't know why He chose matt, but i take great comfort in knowing it wasn't a mistake. He allowed it and we won't waste this trial. our goal through this is that He would be glorified.
there is no one i'd rather do life and eternity with than matt. even if that means walking this cancer road.
now that i think about it, the question shouldn't be, why matt. but rather, why not matt?
one thing in particular that will forever be etched in my mind was when i told taylor. and she fell apart, her head was buried on my chest, neither of us could breathe. she said again and again, why my daddy? why my daddy? i told her again and again, i don't know. i don't know sweetie.
while i still don't know why it has to be matt, i have seen obvious fruit as a result of this. matt has always been an incredible example of Godliness to me and to so many others. he is servant hearted to the core. he is gentle. he is level headed. he's giving. compassionate, he is all of those things that i am not. i don't say this because he has cancer and you always speak the best of people when tragedy hits; but truly because matt is amazing. anyone who knows him, knows of his character and integrity.
yesterday a friend shared streams in the desert with me. i hadn't read it yet. when she emailed it to me, she said she thought of me. as i read it, i thought of my matt.
it reads:
"I have chosen him, so that he will direct his children.(Genesis 18:19)
God chooses people He can depend upon. He knew what to expect from Abraham and said of him, "I have chosen him, so that he will direct his children . . . that the LORD will bring about for Abraham what he has promised him." God knew Abraham would "direct his children."The Lord can be depended upon, and He desires for us to be just as reliable, determined, and stable. This is simply the meaning of faith.
God is looking for people on whom He can place the weight of His entire love, power, and faithful promises. And His engines are strong enough to pull any weight we may attach to them. Unfortunately, the cable we fasten to the engine is often too weak to handle the weight of our prayers. Therefore God continues to train and discipline us in His school of stability and certainty in the life of faith. May we learn our lessons well and then stand firm. A. B. Simpson
God knows that you can withstand your trial, or else He would not have given it to you. His trust in you explains the trials of your life, no matter how severe they may be. God knows your strength, and He measures it to the last inch. Remember, no trial has ever been given to anyone that was greater than that person's strength, through God, to endure it."
i still don't know why He chose matt, but i take great comfort in knowing it wasn't a mistake. He allowed it and we won't waste this trial. our goal through this is that He would be glorified.
there is no one i'd rather do life and eternity with than matt. even if that means walking this cancer road.
now that i think about it, the question shouldn't be, why matt. but rather, why not matt?
cancerschmancer - down time
this week we have not had a single doctor appointment! PRAISE THE LORD!!
3 chemo treatments are done
5 weeks of daily radiation are done
5 days of daily cyberknife treatments are done
scans are done…for now
we've met with all of the surgeons…for the first go around
we've met with radiation oncologists and our regular oncologist…again.
now we wait. the chemo and radiation are doing their jobs to kill the cancer. we still see chunks exit matt's body, it's still the coolest, grossest thing ever. and we are ever amazed that we get to witness the cancer leaving, not many people get to see that. even if all of the cancer is gone, we will still have surgery. there is scar tissue that can be removed. heathy tissue inside the nose will be removed with the hopes of getting clear margins. they will also try to find and remove the "base" of the cancer. reconstruction will still need to be done. when you have a tumor the size of a lime in your nose, things get moved and shifted. in the initial discussion of reconstruction, matt requested a michael jackson nose. the nasal surgeon just smiled. i'm not so fond of that…if i remember correctly, mj's nose fell off. but we still have time to work this out.
it's nice not to have any doctor appointments, it's been months since this has happened.
we resume meeting with everyone and their mother again next week. we'll have more scans and then surgery will be scheduled. some where in there we're hoping to have city of hope confirm surgery since we've had such varying opinions. once all ofwe think it could take place at the end of december - but stay tuned.
in the "down time"…
we celebrated our 20th anniversary. i'll be honest. i had a meltdown and asked matt to cancel our dinner plans. i told him that this is not how i pictured celebrating 20 years. i didn't want to go celebrate. it's not the marriage, or the anniversary i was thinking about, it was the season we are in that bothered me. i didn't want to celebrate it. he cancelled our reservations.
i cried. then he prayed. he hugged me. and then he told me to get dressed, we were going out. period. and he called the restaurant back and re-made our reservations. i love him.
later a woman i look up to asked how our anniversary was. i told her how i was feeling and what i did. she said, sarah, celebrate every day. not just the milestones. find something in every day to celebrate. live the way He intended you to live and celebrate everything.
that hard word was exactly what i needed to end my pity party. i cried. she prayed.
we had a nice dinner out and sat there in awe that we've made it 20 years. it seems so long ago that we got married, yet sometimes it feels like just yesterday.
two days later, the boys went turkey hunting. it's been a tradition for years. they go decked out in camo gear, scout the land, set up blinds, and hunt. they didn't get one. they saw them, but the turkeys weren't where they could be shot. levi said next year, he's wrestling one to the ground, dragging it to where they can shoot it legally and then they will finally bring home a turkey. i really hope they get that wrestling on video.
but for now, it's boys and men - 0; turkeys - 1.
matt came home from the trip tired. he said that as they hiked out, he was weary, his body was worn out. he even took a nap. he went because initially he felt good. we are learning that just because he feels good doesn't mean he should do it. he needs to preserve his energy right now. that's hard because we are a busy, on-the-go family. but we're learning.
also during our down time, matt celebrated a birthday. he turned 43. on his birthday he said he was very tired. i reminded him that of course he is tired, he's getting older. i said, look at you, you are bald and aging. we laughed.
in reality, he's tired because he had a busy weekend.
he's tired because he gets up at 4am.
he's tired because he is still working full time.
he's tired because he has cancer.
he's tired because his body is full of chemo and radiation.
it's ok to be tired and it's ok to rest, because we have a week of no doctor appointments and no treatments.
we don't do down time very well. but we're learning.
3 chemo treatments are done
5 weeks of daily radiation are done
5 days of daily cyberknife treatments are done
scans are done…for now
we've met with all of the surgeons…for the first go around
we've met with radiation oncologists and our regular oncologist…again.
now we wait. the chemo and radiation are doing their jobs to kill the cancer. we still see chunks exit matt's body, it's still the coolest, grossest thing ever. and we are ever amazed that we get to witness the cancer leaving, not many people get to see that. even if all of the cancer is gone, we will still have surgery. there is scar tissue that can be removed. heathy tissue inside the nose will be removed with the hopes of getting clear margins. they will also try to find and remove the "base" of the cancer. reconstruction will still need to be done. when you have a tumor the size of a lime in your nose, things get moved and shifted. in the initial discussion of reconstruction, matt requested a michael jackson nose. the nasal surgeon just smiled. i'm not so fond of that…if i remember correctly, mj's nose fell off. but we still have time to work this out.
it's nice not to have any doctor appointments, it's been months since this has happened.
we resume meeting with everyone and their mother again next week. we'll have more scans and then surgery will be scheduled. some where in there we're hoping to have city of hope confirm surgery since we've had such varying opinions. once all ofwe think it could take place at the end of december - but stay tuned.
in the "down time"…
we celebrated our 20th anniversary. i'll be honest. i had a meltdown and asked matt to cancel our dinner plans. i told him that this is not how i pictured celebrating 20 years. i didn't want to go celebrate. it's not the marriage, or the anniversary i was thinking about, it was the season we are in that bothered me. i didn't want to celebrate it. he cancelled our reservations.
i cried. then he prayed. he hugged me. and then he told me to get dressed, we were going out. period. and he called the restaurant back and re-made our reservations. i love him.
later a woman i look up to asked how our anniversary was. i told her how i was feeling and what i did. she said, sarah, celebrate every day. not just the milestones. find something in every day to celebrate. live the way He intended you to live and celebrate everything.
that hard word was exactly what i needed to end my pity party. i cried. she prayed.
we had a nice dinner out and sat there in awe that we've made it 20 years. it seems so long ago that we got married, yet sometimes it feels like just yesterday.
two days later, the boys went turkey hunting. it's been a tradition for years. they go decked out in camo gear, scout the land, set up blinds, and hunt. they didn't get one. they saw them, but the turkeys weren't where they could be shot. levi said next year, he's wrestling one to the ground, dragging it to where they can shoot it legally and then they will finally bring home a turkey. i really hope they get that wrestling on video.
but for now, it's boys and men - 0; turkeys - 1.
matt came home from the trip tired. he said that as they hiked out, he was weary, his body was worn out. he even took a nap. he went because initially he felt good. we are learning that just because he feels good doesn't mean he should do it. he needs to preserve his energy right now. that's hard because we are a busy, on-the-go family. but we're learning.
also during our down time, matt celebrated a birthday. he turned 43. on his birthday he said he was very tired. i reminded him that of course he is tired, he's getting older. i said, look at you, you are bald and aging. we laughed.
in reality, he's tired because he had a busy weekend.
he's tired because he gets up at 4am.
he's tired because he is still working full time.
he's tired because he has cancer.
he's tired because his body is full of chemo and radiation.
it's ok to be tired and it's ok to rest, because we have a week of no doctor appointments and no treatments.
we don't do down time very well. but we're learning.
cancerschmancer - waiting
we are in the wait part of this cancer journey. this is hard. every stage is hard, not harder, just a different hard. we don't know what is happening inside matts head. the sitting and being idle, if you will, gives my head time to think.
is the cancer growing?
is it shrinking?
is the radiation working?
is the chemo still doing its job?
when will the next mri be done?
what will the surgeon decide?
when will surgery be done?
why does matt have a headache?
why is he tired?
in this time, the Lord, as he has been, is faithful to meet me right where i am.
one of my recent devotions came from matthew 6:33-34.
"but seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all of these things shall be added until you. therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own. sufficient for the day is its own trouble."
nowhere in the Word of God did He lay out His complete plans for anyone's life.
it would be too overwhelming if we knew the whole picture, saw the complete journey that was ahead. to know the future would be like a first year algebra student demanding to move on to calculus, it won't work, you have to take it one step at a time. He does, however, have a plan and tells us what we need for today.
in fact, He doesn't just have a plan, but He has a good plan. He has great things for us.
so we'll live in THIS day and trust Him with each moment. and grow an ever greater dependence on Him as we walk this cancer road. while i'm not thankful my beloved has cancer, i'm thankful that through the cancer He shows us how great He is.
and so we wait. and we watch. and we pray.
is the cancer growing?
is it shrinking?
is the radiation working?
is the chemo still doing its job?
when will the next mri be done?
what will the surgeon decide?
when will surgery be done?
why does matt have a headache?
why is he tired?
in this time, the Lord, as he has been, is faithful to meet me right where i am.
one of my recent devotions came from matthew 6:33-34.
"but seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all of these things shall be added until you. therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own. sufficient for the day is its own trouble."
nowhere in the Word of God did He lay out His complete plans for anyone's life.
it would be too overwhelming if we knew the whole picture, saw the complete journey that was ahead. to know the future would be like a first year algebra student demanding to move on to calculus, it won't work, you have to take it one step at a time. He does, however, have a plan and tells us what we need for today.
in fact, He doesn't just have a plan, but He has a good plan. He has great things for us.
so we'll live in THIS day and trust Him with each moment. and grow an ever greater dependence on Him as we walk this cancer road. while i'm not thankful my beloved has cancer, i'm thankful that through the cancer He shows us how great He is.
and so we wait. and we watch. and we pray.
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