disclaimer: i've been told by many people to write this down. it's something i won't want to forget, they said. its something they wished they'd have done when they walked this road.
i'm getting behind, there are so many details, i'm overwhelmed with His goodness and no, i don't want to forget anything - so here goes...
where to begin...
3 weeks and 1 day ago, our lives changed forever.
cancer.
our home had been hit.
it began back in march or april. we were training for a half marathon and matt couldn't breathe through his nose. that's kind of important when you are running miles upon miles. but several times he had to quit mid run because his nose was stuffed up. after several visits to the doctor and urgent care and getting rounds of antibiotics, nasal sprays, steroids, cold meds, he finally got a referral to an ENT.
it was 5 weeks ago today that we saw an ENT who saw a "mass" with his naked eye. "ohhhh" was what he said. "what does that mean?" "i'd rather show you than tell you, get your camera phone out, you'll want to record this..." so i did. when he put his scope up matt's nose, we saw a very large mass. while the phone was recording, we heard him point out what we were looking at (though it was incredibly obvious) and he said, "that. right there. oh it's not cancer or anything. just a mass, a polyp" it was at that point, that matt went white. since we were there, he decided to biopsy it, you know, just to rule anything out. and meanwhile he scheduled surgery to get that thing out because no matter what it was, because it was so large it needed to be removed, but nasal cancer is so rare he said, only 1 in 100,000 people get it.
perhaps matt should play the lottery because guess what? he is just that lucky.
fast forward to august 28. the ENT called matt, yes called him, to let him know they cancelled surgery and wanted him to call an oncologist. the results showed he had "neuroendocrine poorly differentiated carcinoma." he wrote it down, then googled it to be sure he spelled it correctly and emailed me. yes, emailed me. he later said he couldn't talk and knew i needed to know.
wednesday, august 28, it was the day our world was rocked. no matter what happened from here on out, that day will be locked in my mind forever. it defines life before cancer and life after cancer.
after going through an entire box of kleenex, many hugs, people praying, my phone and inbox blowing up with love, i knew we didn't walk this road alone.
i called the kids and told them to shut their phones off until i saw them, i wanted them to hear it from us.
levi rode his bike to harvest as he does every wednesday. i met him outside and hugged him. taking a lesson from Max Lucado's message "You'll get through this" from 3 days earlier, i asked levi to tell me truths he knew about God. i asked him to tell them to me out loud. i started, God is faithful; He is loving; He is all knowing; levi said, He is in control, He never leaves us... i told him that what I was about to tell him would be the hardest thing ever but we need to remember these truths. he said, it's dad. i said yes, he got his biopsy results. levi, my unemotional one, looked me in the eyes, his eyes welled up and he started to sway. i grabbed him, pled for him to stay with me, i needed him, he needed to remember God's goodness and no matter what, His faith couldn't be shaken - he could never doubt God's will....i know there is more, but i can't continue because it breaks my heart to go there. we hugged for a while, we prayed and finally he went up to jr. high to set up the room for church.
next i went home. i had a 14 year old dying to get back to her phone. i went through the same process of conversation with taylor. she gave a great list of attributes of God, He is perfect, He gives us grace, He loves us more than we can imange... and then i told her, she broke down in uncontrollable sobs and said over and over, why my daddy, why does it have to be my daddy. my answer was i don't know but He saw it perfect to allow our family to go through this. it's His will. i told her the same thing, through this, she can cry, she can get angry, but she must never doubt God's will because it's perfect and her faith can't be shaken. we sat for a long time and cried together. she's been my tear buddy through this process. we prayed and then matt came home.
matt didn't feel good. his headaches were getting worse, his eyes were having bouts of blurriness, he had no sense of taste nor smell and he was exhausted. in our minds, the news we received just 9 hours earlier seemed to be getting worse. the cancer must be growing - because why in the world would he all of the sudden have all of these major symptoms. he'd had them all along, but now that we KNEW it was cancer, they seemed to be getting worse.
after talking and crying some more, he suggested we go to church that night - i remember saying yes, we need to; and he said, yes, because we WANT to, he's always been spiritual that way. my eyes were puffy, my nose was red, the make up i'd applied that morning had long since been wiped off with kleenex meant to wipe away only tears.
i remember three things about church that night.
i remember the worship, it was amazing. i, of course, cried through all of it, but from my heart i sang to my GOD and cried out to him. "one thing" was a song we sang twice that night, it's been my cancer anthem. one thing remains - your love never fails, it never gives up, it never runs out on me.
another thing i remember is that i looked at my beloved and he began to write notes during the message. i noticed at the top of his page, he wrote, 8/28 as the date and i thought romans 8:28 - He works ALL things together for good for those who love Him and are called according to His purpose. my mind was in a fog, but this i knew, we love him and we are called according to His purpose so that means, He'll work this together for good.
and lastly i remember that we were prayed for and hugged over and over.
going to church reminded me we are not in this alone. we have the body of Christ, we have Him and we trusted He was going to use this.
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