we thought we had a plan, but as with cancer, things change.
He continues to be faithful.
this continues to be hard.
we continue to trust Him with our everything.
at least those things haven't changed.
the uci surgeon called and ordered a pet scan. he didn't like the waiting, even though we are currently getting chemo. he says there isn't enough data on this rare and aggressive cancer to know what it's doing. he doesn't like that the last mri showed no change in size. so a pet scan was ordered, scheduled and the day after christmas matt had that done.
now we wait.
we should get results monday - the same day that we start chemo again.
in the mean time, the surgeon called again and said he will be scheduling surgery.
uh, excuse me, what?
we thought we were getting chemo and waiting the 3 months requested by the radiation oncologist.
sigh.
our oncologist is in india on vacation for about 2 more weeks. i'm not sure if her office is trying to get a hold of her to tell her about the latest change. i'm not sure if she even has to be part of this? i'm not sure if we can even do surgery without her knowledge. but we wait.
waiting is the hardest part. waiting for pet scan results.
well, the hardest part right now. there have been other hard parts. but right now, it's the waiting that's the hardest.
we have no reason to believe the cancer has spread. but then again, we had no reason to believe matt had cancer in the first place.
he's still tired. he's still nauseous. but he's also getting chemo. he's still working full time. it's flu season. it's christmas. it's busy. you can see the flip flop thoughts of my mind.
during this time of waiting, waiting the 3 months, waiting for the next phone call, waiting for scan results, waiting for surgery to be scheduled, i'm reminded to be still as it says in psalm 46.
my faith, trust and desperate dependence on Him has grown. that doesn't happen when you know what's ahead. it doesn't happen when you have results.
i pray like never before. i pray for His will, but i pray first for healing.
in luke 22:42, jesus prayed Father, if it is Your will, take this cup from Me; nevertheless, not My will, but Yours be done. then He prayed more earnestly and sweat great drops of blood. Jesus was passionate in His prayer. He prayed that the situation would be removed, then prayed His Father's will. i've begun pleading. begging. praying in earnest for healing. take this cup.
psalm 56:8 says He keeps our tears in a bottle. i wonder how big that bottle is? i have shed a few.
when i think about the overall picture, my beloved has a rare, aggressive cancer. i can't breathe. there is a physical weight on my chest. i want to laugh with him. i want to serve the Lord with him. i want to go to sleep every night listening to his heart beat. i want to hold his hand. i want to be adventurous with him. i want to be challenged by him. i want to grow old with him. i love him.
tomorrow isn't promised to anyone. it could be cancer that takes him. it could be something else that takes me. but in the mean time, we choose to live joyfully, laugh heartily, and love deeply for He is good and His love endures forever.
love like there's no tomorrow, and if tomorrow comes, love again. ~ max lucado
Saturday, December 28, 2013
Monday, December 2, 2013
cancerschmancer - chemo again
we just got back from the oncologist. since our last visit
with her, matt has finished radiation, cyberknife, chemo, he has seen each
surgeon and heard different surgery methods and opinions. the oncologist has
consulted with each as well as city of hope. they came up with a plan.
this
week matt will have another mri. this will show the size of the tumor as well
as it's location. the hope and prayer is that it has not only gotten smaller,
but it has moved away from the eye and brain.
cyberknife will continue working
for another 6 weeks or so. matt will have a PET scan mid january and that will
determine if surgery is needed. every few days we're graced with more cancer
leaving his body. these pieces seem to come when I start getting discouraged,
God is good to send visible reminders like that.
chemo will start up again
next monday. matt will have treatments for three consecutive days, every three
weeks. this is a new cocktail of drugs, it's more toxic than the previous,
please pray his body responds well and can withstand the treatment. the chemo
will continue working to kill the cancer cells that might be near the tumor as
well as any other cancer that might be in his body. this type of cancer is
known to appear elsewhere.
we appreciate prayer as he starts chemo
again. the oncologist said the tumor is responding beautifully and wants to
keep hitting it hard.
this journey is incredibly hard. my heart is heavy
but we trust His plan in this and know He has a purpose in all of it. we're grateful
we don't walk this road alone. thank you for continually praying and
encouraging us, thank you for being His servants and loving our family. we're
blessed and in awe of His goodness.
Friday, November 22, 2013
cancerschmancer - He is the potter
when matt was diagnosed with this rare cancer a few months ago, we had no idea what was in store. what i did know was that our faith would grow. we would learn to trust Him more. He would prove Himself faithful. He would be with us. He would show us His love for us. i held on to every promise given to us from the Word and added to my "hope pile" often. (the hope pile is explained in this post)
what i didn't expect was that my heart would be refined. the deep, dark places of my innermost being would be touched. He doesn't just desire for us to grow; He desires to mold us. He reveals the areas that we think we are ok and shakes them to the core and begins changing. He isn't ok with us remaining as we are. He loves us too much.
back in high school, i took a pottery class. it was an easy a my senior year. i remember sitting at the wheel fighting with a piece of clay with the hopes of it becoming a beautiful piece. it became a pathetic bowl or was it an ash tray? i can't remember. unless you really know what you are doing, molding a piece of clay is hard.
but not for Him.
jeremiah 18:3-4, "so i went down to the potter's house and saw him working with the clay at the wheel. He was making a pot from clay. but there was something wrong with the pot. so the potter used that clay to make another pot. with His hands, He shaped the pot the way He wanted it to be."
He is the potter.
i am the clay.
He molds me.
He shapes me.
He presses.
He holds us firmly.
He removes pieces He wants gone.
He presses in.
in the end, we are who He wants us to be.
the process is painful. i could easily turn my back on this. i could justify my thoughts, attitudes and actions with simply saying, my husband has cancer and most people would understand. few would call me on it. but as He reveals these things to me, my desire is that i would learn what He would have for me in this. matt is fighting cancer, my job isn't to sit back. it's to learn what He has for me in this. to be changed by it. lest matt's cancer be in vain. we don't want to waste this.
i'll be honest, i didn't expect these areas to be revealed nor did i realize what a painful process this would be.
is it hard? absolutely.
but am i willing? without a doubt.
what i didn't expect was that my heart would be refined. the deep, dark places of my innermost being would be touched. He doesn't just desire for us to grow; He desires to mold us. He reveals the areas that we think we are ok and shakes them to the core and begins changing. He isn't ok with us remaining as we are. He loves us too much.
back in high school, i took a pottery class. it was an easy a my senior year. i remember sitting at the wheel fighting with a piece of clay with the hopes of it becoming a beautiful piece. it became a pathetic bowl or was it an ash tray? i can't remember. unless you really know what you are doing, molding a piece of clay is hard.
but not for Him.
jeremiah 18:3-4, "so i went down to the potter's house and saw him working with the clay at the wheel. He was making a pot from clay. but there was something wrong with the pot. so the potter used that clay to make another pot. with His hands, He shaped the pot the way He wanted it to be."
He is the potter.
i am the clay.
He molds me.
He shapes me.
He presses.
He holds us firmly.
He removes pieces He wants gone.
He presses in.
in the end, we are who He wants us to be.
the process is painful. i could easily turn my back on this. i could justify my thoughts, attitudes and actions with simply saying, my husband has cancer and most people would understand. few would call me on it. but as He reveals these things to me, my desire is that i would learn what He would have for me in this. matt is fighting cancer, my job isn't to sit back. it's to learn what He has for me in this. to be changed by it. lest matt's cancer be in vain. we don't want to waste this.
i'll be honest, i didn't expect these areas to be revealed nor did i realize what a painful process this would be.
is it hard? absolutely.
but am i willing? without a doubt.
cancerschmancer - 2nd appointment with the UCI surgeon
here's an update from jamie, regarding our second appointment with the nasal surgeon at uci.
as you can imagine, yesterday was quite another roller coaster ride.
as you can imagine, yesterday was quite another roller coaster ride.
Hello All,
Well, today was another visit to UCI to see the nasal surgeon. He did another nasal scope and he was very pleased with what he saw. His words were, "you couldn't get a better result than what you have here." The tumor has decreased in size by 70-80% from his last examination of Matt in October. PRAISE THE LORD!! So he described the size of it as being the size of an almond or brazil nut. In measurements, it would be 1 1/2-2 cm. The doctor was impressed at the tumor's response to the chemo/radiation treatments. In addition to this great news, the doctor was confident that the tumor was only compressing the bridge of the nose/edge of the forehead bone. There has been no erosion of bone or optic nerve. We, without hesitation, gave glory to the Lord! We shouted, "Our God is BIG, and we have thousands of people praying!"
The doctor's plan was to have Matt get an MRI and PET/CT scan in about four weeks. (allowing the effects of the radiation to subside a little more) He would see where the tumor was at based on the scans and at that point do some biopsies, if there was any of the tumor left. He stated that the non-surgical treatments have been very successful so he stated that "surgery may not even be necessary." He took the "let's wait and see" approach. And while it would be easy to be fearful with the rare and aggressive nature of this cancer, we have to continue to trust that the Lord is working here!!
So, we left the doctor's office praising the Lord for good news!
And just when we thought that was it...about an hour or two after leaving the doctor's office, Matt received a phone call from his medical oncologist here in Riverside. She told him that she talked to the doctor at UCI and she wants to see him as soon as possible to begin chemotherapy again. They both believe that Matt should begin chemo again to continue to kill and shrink the tumor since non-surgical methods are working really well. We don't have all of the information from the medical oncologist as to why there was such a shift in opinions from just hours before, but we do trust that they have Matt's best interest at heart...and more than that, we are trusting the Lord to be in all of the details of Matt's care.
Please pray for wisdom for the doctors, a clear plan, and for this to be completely in alignment with God's plan for Matt, Sarah and the kids.
Thank you all! Your prayers are coveted.
Jamie
Monday, November 18, 2013
cancerschmancer - in the name of Jesus
we had a relaxing week. no doctor appointments. no treatments.
we actually lived "normally" again.
we had the opportunity to head up the mountain for a short get away.
just the four of us.
we hung out.
we napped.
we talked.
we ate.
we recharged.
we laughed.
we reconnected.
we spent a few hours walking around the village. there's a store that i love and in there, i found a sign that i wanted. i bought it and levi hung it in my kitchen as soon as we got home.
today matt isn't feeling well. he has severe abdominal pain. he vomited twice and he says it was from the pain. his words: "the pain is almost unbearable." there's no fever. no other side effects. the oncologist said to watch him and call her if anything changes.
maybe it's the flu?
maybe it's the cancer?
maybe it's something he ate?
again, we wait and see. my heart hurts. i fear this is only the beginning, my mind is all over the place. my prayer is that it's merely a bump on this cancer road.
again, i take every thought captive. i think on whatsoever things are true. i won't trade what i do know for what i don't know.
after reading in isaiah today, the lyrics to "The Name of Jesus" came to mind and brought such peace as He does. if you have to have a song stuck in your head, pretty much anything by chris tomlin is ok.
"the name of Jesus is a refuge; a shelter from the storm, a help to those who call.
the name of Jesus is a fortress; a saving place to run, a hope unshakeable.
there is power in Your name.
in the name of Jesus, there is life and healing; chains are broken in Your name.
every knee will bow down and our hearts will cry out; songs of freedom in Your name."
we actually lived "normally" again.
we had the opportunity to head up the mountain for a short get away.
just the four of us.
we hung out.
we napped.
we talked.
we ate.
we recharged.
we laughed.
we reconnected.
we spent a few hours walking around the village. there's a store that i love and in there, i found a sign that i wanted. i bought it and levi hung it in my kitchen as soon as we got home.
today matt isn't feeling well. he has severe abdominal pain. he vomited twice and he says it was from the pain. his words: "the pain is almost unbearable." there's no fever. no other side effects. the oncologist said to watch him and call her if anything changes.
maybe it's the flu?
maybe it's the cancer?
maybe it's something he ate?
again, we wait and see. my heart hurts. i fear this is only the beginning, my mind is all over the place. my prayer is that it's merely a bump on this cancer road.
again, i take every thought captive. i think on whatsoever things are true. i won't trade what i do know for what i don't know.
after reading in isaiah today, the lyrics to "The Name of Jesus" came to mind and brought such peace as He does. if you have to have a song stuck in your head, pretty much anything by chris tomlin is ok.
"the name of Jesus is a refuge; a shelter from the storm, a help to those who call.
the name of Jesus is a fortress; a saving place to run, a hope unshakeable.
there is power in Your name.
in the name of Jesus, there is life and healing; chains are broken in Your name.
every knee will bow down and our hearts will cry out; songs of freedom in Your name."
Thursday, November 14, 2013
cancerschmancer - why matt
if you read the first post i wrote, cancerschmancer - the discovery, you may remember reading about the day i told the kids matt had cancer. it's hard to relive those moments. they were by far some of the worst i've experienced as a mom.
one thing in particular that will forever be etched in my mind was when i told taylor. and she fell apart, her head was buried on my chest, neither of us could breathe. she said again and again, why my daddy? why my daddy? i told her again and again, i don't know. i don't know sweetie.
while i still don't know why it has to be matt, i have seen obvious fruit as a result of this. matt has always been an incredible example of Godliness to me and to so many others. he is servant hearted to the core. he is gentle. he is level headed. he's giving. compassionate, he is all of those things that i am not. i don't say this because he has cancer and you always speak the best of people when tragedy hits; but truly because matt is amazing. anyone who knows him, knows of his character and integrity.
yesterday a friend shared streams in the desert with me. i hadn't read it yet. when she emailed it to me, she said she thought of me. as i read it, i thought of my matt.
it reads:
"I have chosen him, so that he will direct his children.(Genesis 18:19)
God chooses people He can depend upon. He knew what to expect from Abraham and said of him, "I have chosen him, so that he will direct his children . . . that the LORD will bring about for Abraham what he has promised him." God knew Abraham would "direct his children."The Lord can be depended upon, and He desires for us to be just as reliable, determined, and stable. This is simply the meaning of faith.
God is looking for people on whom He can place the weight of His entire love, power, and faithful promises. And His engines are strong enough to pull any weight we may attach to them. Unfortunately, the cable we fasten to the engine is often too weak to handle the weight of our prayers. Therefore God continues to train and discipline us in His school of stability and certainty in the life of faith. May we learn our lessons well and then stand firm. A. B. Simpson
God knows that you can withstand your trial, or else He would not have given it to you. His trust in you explains the trials of your life, no matter how severe they may be. God knows your strength, and He measures it to the last inch. Remember, no trial has ever been given to anyone that was greater than that person's strength, through God, to endure it."
i still don't know why He chose matt, but i take great comfort in knowing it wasn't a mistake. He allowed it and we won't waste this trial. our goal through this is that He would be glorified.
there is no one i'd rather do life and eternity with than matt. even if that means walking this cancer road.
now that i think about it, the question shouldn't be, why matt. but rather, why not matt?
one thing in particular that will forever be etched in my mind was when i told taylor. and she fell apart, her head was buried on my chest, neither of us could breathe. she said again and again, why my daddy? why my daddy? i told her again and again, i don't know. i don't know sweetie.
while i still don't know why it has to be matt, i have seen obvious fruit as a result of this. matt has always been an incredible example of Godliness to me and to so many others. he is servant hearted to the core. he is gentle. he is level headed. he's giving. compassionate, he is all of those things that i am not. i don't say this because he has cancer and you always speak the best of people when tragedy hits; but truly because matt is amazing. anyone who knows him, knows of his character and integrity.
yesterday a friend shared streams in the desert with me. i hadn't read it yet. when she emailed it to me, she said she thought of me. as i read it, i thought of my matt.
it reads:
"I have chosen him, so that he will direct his children.(Genesis 18:19)
God chooses people He can depend upon. He knew what to expect from Abraham and said of him, "I have chosen him, so that he will direct his children . . . that the LORD will bring about for Abraham what he has promised him." God knew Abraham would "direct his children."The Lord can be depended upon, and He desires for us to be just as reliable, determined, and stable. This is simply the meaning of faith.
God is looking for people on whom He can place the weight of His entire love, power, and faithful promises. And His engines are strong enough to pull any weight we may attach to them. Unfortunately, the cable we fasten to the engine is often too weak to handle the weight of our prayers. Therefore God continues to train and discipline us in His school of stability and certainty in the life of faith. May we learn our lessons well and then stand firm. A. B. Simpson
God knows that you can withstand your trial, or else He would not have given it to you. His trust in you explains the trials of your life, no matter how severe they may be. God knows your strength, and He measures it to the last inch. Remember, no trial has ever been given to anyone that was greater than that person's strength, through God, to endure it."
i still don't know why He chose matt, but i take great comfort in knowing it wasn't a mistake. He allowed it and we won't waste this trial. our goal through this is that He would be glorified.
there is no one i'd rather do life and eternity with than matt. even if that means walking this cancer road.
now that i think about it, the question shouldn't be, why matt. but rather, why not matt?
cancerschmancer - down time
this week we have not had a single doctor appointment! PRAISE THE LORD!!
3 chemo treatments are done
5 weeks of daily radiation are done
5 days of daily cyberknife treatments are done
scans are done…for now
we've met with all of the surgeons…for the first go around
we've met with radiation oncologists and our regular oncologist…again.
now we wait. the chemo and radiation are doing their jobs to kill the cancer. we still see chunks exit matt's body, it's still the coolest, grossest thing ever. and we are ever amazed that we get to witness the cancer leaving, not many people get to see that. even if all of the cancer is gone, we will still have surgery. there is scar tissue that can be removed. heathy tissue inside the nose will be removed with the hopes of getting clear margins. they will also try to find and remove the "base" of the cancer. reconstruction will still need to be done. when you have a tumor the size of a lime in your nose, things get moved and shifted. in the initial discussion of reconstruction, matt requested a michael jackson nose. the nasal surgeon just smiled. i'm not so fond of that…if i remember correctly, mj's nose fell off. but we still have time to work this out.
it's nice not to have any doctor appointments, it's been months since this has happened.
we resume meeting with everyone and their mother again next week. we'll have more scans and then surgery will be scheduled. some where in there we're hoping to have city of hope confirm surgery since we've had such varying opinions. once all ofwe think it could take place at the end of december - but stay tuned.
in the "down time"…
we celebrated our 20th anniversary. i'll be honest. i had a meltdown and asked matt to cancel our dinner plans. i told him that this is not how i pictured celebrating 20 years. i didn't want to go celebrate. it's not the marriage, or the anniversary i was thinking about, it was the season we are in that bothered me. i didn't want to celebrate it. he cancelled our reservations.
i cried. then he prayed. he hugged me. and then he told me to get dressed, we were going out. period. and he called the restaurant back and re-made our reservations. i love him.
later a woman i look up to asked how our anniversary was. i told her how i was feeling and what i did. she said, sarah, celebrate every day. not just the milestones. find something in every day to celebrate. live the way He intended you to live and celebrate everything.
that hard word was exactly what i needed to end my pity party. i cried. she prayed.
we had a nice dinner out and sat there in awe that we've made it 20 years. it seems so long ago that we got married, yet sometimes it feels like just yesterday.
two days later, the boys went turkey hunting. it's been a tradition for years. they go decked out in camo gear, scout the land, set up blinds, and hunt. they didn't get one. they saw them, but the turkeys weren't where they could be shot. levi said next year, he's wrestling one to the ground, dragging it to where they can shoot it legally and then they will finally bring home a turkey. i really hope they get that wrestling on video.
but for now, it's boys and men - 0; turkeys - 1.
matt came home from the trip tired. he said that as they hiked out, he was weary, his body was worn out. he even took a nap. he went because initially he felt good. we are learning that just because he feels good doesn't mean he should do it. he needs to preserve his energy right now. that's hard because we are a busy, on-the-go family. but we're learning.
also during our down time, matt celebrated a birthday. he turned 43. on his birthday he said he was very tired. i reminded him that of course he is tired, he's getting older. i said, look at you, you are bald and aging. we laughed.
in reality, he's tired because he had a busy weekend.
he's tired because he gets up at 4am.
he's tired because he is still working full time.
he's tired because he has cancer.
he's tired because his body is full of chemo and radiation.
it's ok to be tired and it's ok to rest, because we have a week of no doctor appointments and no treatments.
we don't do down time very well. but we're learning.
3 chemo treatments are done
5 weeks of daily radiation are done
5 days of daily cyberknife treatments are done
scans are done…for now
we've met with all of the surgeons…for the first go around
we've met with radiation oncologists and our regular oncologist…again.
now we wait. the chemo and radiation are doing their jobs to kill the cancer. we still see chunks exit matt's body, it's still the coolest, grossest thing ever. and we are ever amazed that we get to witness the cancer leaving, not many people get to see that. even if all of the cancer is gone, we will still have surgery. there is scar tissue that can be removed. heathy tissue inside the nose will be removed with the hopes of getting clear margins. they will also try to find and remove the "base" of the cancer. reconstruction will still need to be done. when you have a tumor the size of a lime in your nose, things get moved and shifted. in the initial discussion of reconstruction, matt requested a michael jackson nose. the nasal surgeon just smiled. i'm not so fond of that…if i remember correctly, mj's nose fell off. but we still have time to work this out.
it's nice not to have any doctor appointments, it's been months since this has happened.
we resume meeting with everyone and their mother again next week. we'll have more scans and then surgery will be scheduled. some where in there we're hoping to have city of hope confirm surgery since we've had such varying opinions. once all ofwe think it could take place at the end of december - but stay tuned.
in the "down time"…
we celebrated our 20th anniversary. i'll be honest. i had a meltdown and asked matt to cancel our dinner plans. i told him that this is not how i pictured celebrating 20 years. i didn't want to go celebrate. it's not the marriage, or the anniversary i was thinking about, it was the season we are in that bothered me. i didn't want to celebrate it. he cancelled our reservations.
i cried. then he prayed. he hugged me. and then he told me to get dressed, we were going out. period. and he called the restaurant back and re-made our reservations. i love him.
later a woman i look up to asked how our anniversary was. i told her how i was feeling and what i did. she said, sarah, celebrate every day. not just the milestones. find something in every day to celebrate. live the way He intended you to live and celebrate everything.
that hard word was exactly what i needed to end my pity party. i cried. she prayed.
we had a nice dinner out and sat there in awe that we've made it 20 years. it seems so long ago that we got married, yet sometimes it feels like just yesterday.
two days later, the boys went turkey hunting. it's been a tradition for years. they go decked out in camo gear, scout the land, set up blinds, and hunt. they didn't get one. they saw them, but the turkeys weren't where they could be shot. levi said next year, he's wrestling one to the ground, dragging it to where they can shoot it legally and then they will finally bring home a turkey. i really hope they get that wrestling on video.
but for now, it's boys and men - 0; turkeys - 1.
matt came home from the trip tired. he said that as they hiked out, he was weary, his body was worn out. he even took a nap. he went because initially he felt good. we are learning that just because he feels good doesn't mean he should do it. he needs to preserve his energy right now. that's hard because we are a busy, on-the-go family. but we're learning.
also during our down time, matt celebrated a birthday. he turned 43. on his birthday he said he was very tired. i reminded him that of course he is tired, he's getting older. i said, look at you, you are bald and aging. we laughed.
in reality, he's tired because he had a busy weekend.
he's tired because he gets up at 4am.
he's tired because he is still working full time.
he's tired because he has cancer.
he's tired because his body is full of chemo and radiation.
it's ok to be tired and it's ok to rest, because we have a week of no doctor appointments and no treatments.
we don't do down time very well. but we're learning.
cancerschmancer - waiting
we are in the wait part of this cancer journey. this is hard. every stage is hard, not harder, just a different hard. we don't know what is happening inside matts head. the sitting and being idle, if you will, gives my head time to think.
is the cancer growing?
is it shrinking?
is the radiation working?
is the chemo still doing its job?
when will the next mri be done?
what will the surgeon decide?
when will surgery be done?
why does matt have a headache?
why is he tired?
in this time, the Lord, as he has been, is faithful to meet me right where i am.
one of my recent devotions came from matthew 6:33-34.
"but seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all of these things shall be added until you. therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own. sufficient for the day is its own trouble."
nowhere in the Word of God did He lay out His complete plans for anyone's life.
it would be too overwhelming if we knew the whole picture, saw the complete journey that was ahead. to know the future would be like a first year algebra student demanding to move on to calculus, it won't work, you have to take it one step at a time. He does, however, have a plan and tells us what we need for today.
in fact, He doesn't just have a plan, but He has a good plan. He has great things for us.
so we'll live in THIS day and trust Him with each moment. and grow an ever greater dependence on Him as we walk this cancer road. while i'm not thankful my beloved has cancer, i'm thankful that through the cancer He shows us how great He is.
and so we wait. and we watch. and we pray.
is the cancer growing?
is it shrinking?
is the radiation working?
is the chemo still doing its job?
when will the next mri be done?
what will the surgeon decide?
when will surgery be done?
why does matt have a headache?
why is he tired?
in this time, the Lord, as he has been, is faithful to meet me right where i am.
one of my recent devotions came from matthew 6:33-34.
"but seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all of these things shall be added until you. therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own. sufficient for the day is its own trouble."
nowhere in the Word of God did He lay out His complete plans for anyone's life.
it would be too overwhelming if we knew the whole picture, saw the complete journey that was ahead. to know the future would be like a first year algebra student demanding to move on to calculus, it won't work, you have to take it one step at a time. He does, however, have a plan and tells us what we need for today.
in fact, He doesn't just have a plan, but He has a good plan. He has great things for us.
so we'll live in THIS day and trust Him with each moment. and grow an ever greater dependence on Him as we walk this cancer road. while i'm not thankful my beloved has cancer, i'm thankful that through the cancer He shows us how great He is.
and so we wait. and we watch. and we pray.
Monday, October 28, 2013
cancerschmancer - faith
this morning i woke up with a burdened heart. i stand in faith,
i walk by faith. but having faith is hard. faith is believing without seeing.
faith is trusting without knowing.
i know the Lord is going to heal matt, but will it be here or in
heaven? i know He'll take to take care of our needs, but will He do it the way
i think they need to be met or will He refine me in this way?
i don't doubt God, but my faith isn't where He wants it. yet.
from my one year Bible devotion:
"Some time later, God tested Abraham’s faith. “Abraham!”
God called. “Yes, Here I am.” Genesis 22:1
There is a kind of doubt that is never advisable—doubting God
and his clear promises. Entertaining such doubts can wreak havoc in our lives,
sapping the energy and confidence God wants to give us. Still, most of us go
through times when we find it hard to believe. Even Abraham, the father of our
faith, had seasons of doubt. Abraham laughs in disbelief. He lies about his
wife, placing her in jeopardy to save his skin. He sleeps with his wife’s
servant because he wants to father a child at any cost. He gets a lot wrong.
But he gets one thing right: He just keeps going. . . . Even
when he doesn’t fully understand, Abraham obeys God.
And that’s the key. Even when we doubt, we need to obey God.
That’s the only way to become who God calls us to be. Having courage doesn’t
mean we have no fear. It just means we move beyond it. Similarly, having faith
doesn’t mean we are free from doubt; it just means we do what God wants us to
do in the face of those doubts."
today, like abraham, i'll laugh. i'll keep going. i'll press on.
i'll obey. and in doing so, i'll grow in my faith.
but then, isn't that what He desires from us all of the time?
Friday, October 25, 2013
cancerschmancer - you'll get through this
my heart is troubled.
my hands shake.
my knees are weak.
my mind is cluttered.
my heart is overwhelmed.
the Word of God goes through my mind. it's true. it's living. it breathes life and give strength.
take every thought captive.
think on whatsoever things are true.
lead me to the rock that is higher than I.
You work all things together for good.
He who began a good work will complete it.
I will never leave you nor forsake you.
I love you with an everlasting love.
I will refresh the weary and satisfy the faint.
He is the Lord, let Him do what is right in His eyes.
You alone are God.
You do great and mighty things.
remember the marvelous works which He has done.
today the tumor board will review the case.
they want to meet my beloved before they look over the files and discuss the case.
we'll leave while they talk about us.
then they'll ask us back in and tell us their recommendation.
"you'll get through this.
it won't be painless.
it won't be quick.
but God will use this mess for good.
don't be foolish or naive.
but don't despair either.
with God's help, you'll get through this." ~ max lucado
my hands shake.
my knees are weak.
my mind is cluttered.
my heart is overwhelmed.
the Word of God goes through my mind. it's true. it's living. it breathes life and give strength.
take every thought captive.
think on whatsoever things are true.
lead me to the rock that is higher than I.
You work all things together for good.
He who began a good work will complete it.
I will never leave you nor forsake you.
I love you with an everlasting love.
I will refresh the weary and satisfy the faint.
He is the Lord, let Him do what is right in His eyes.
You alone are God.
You do great and mighty things.
remember the marvelous works which He has done.
today the tumor board will review the case.
they want to meet my beloved before they look over the files and discuss the case.
we'll leave while they talk about us.
then they'll ask us back in and tell us their recommendation.
"you'll get through this.
it won't be painless.
it won't be quick.
but God will use this mess for good.
don't be foolish or naive.
but don't despair either.
with God's help, you'll get through this." ~ max lucado
Tuesday, October 22, 2013
cancerschmancer - meet the surgeon
october 18 - 8:30am
dr. armstrong - uci surgeon
pavilion 2; 1st floor
that was the appointment on my calendar.
at 6:30am, jamie, matt and i hit the freeway and headed to orange county. we had plenty of time and even stopped for breakfast. the 91 didn't hate us. the day was already looking up.
when we got to the surgeons office, we people watched, we listened and we laughed. we decided to play, "what will the doctor say - loser buys lunch" while we sat in the waiting room.
eventually we made it into the exam room and played "what is that utensil for and where will they use it on matt" to pass the time while we waited. again, we guessed and laughed.
eventually we were met by the resident and matt answered the same 50 or so questions he's been asked by every other doctor and specialist we've met. we once again were told that they are still learning about this rare and aggressive cancer and then they peppered him with more questions. he went the funny route with his answers. she must have left her sense of humor at home that morning. no big deal. it's not like we were there for brain surgery... so i thought.
then dr. armstrong came in. he was very knowledgable. we asked how many of these cases he sees.
1-2 per year. yep, it's rare. remember matt has that only 1 in 100,000 cancer.
i got lost when he said for surgery, he'd "lift the hood" or maybe it was much earlier, which may be why he used that term with me. (see below, it's the first surgery option that the surgeon describes.)
and after the appointment, jamie wrote this summary...
Today we saw the surgeon at UCI. Dr. William Armstrong comes highly recommended by Matt's oncologist, as well as the oncologist at City of Hope. Dr. Armstrong sees 1-2 patients with poorly differentiated neuroendocrine carcinoma per year. His success rate with the very "rare and aggressive" form of cancer has been dependent upon the age of the patient, and also their willingness to allow him to be as aggressive as necessary in order to get them to be surgically cancer-free. If he has to take an eye...he wants to be able to take an eye and the patient needs to be willing. Yes, he was that matter-of-fact. But he said that Matt is otherwise healthy and he is young so the odds are more in his favor that he can withstand an aggressive form of surgery if that's what is called for in his case.
The surgeon reviewed the information we had, scans, reports, documentation etc. but before reviewing everything, he started the conversation by stating that, based on what he read in the initial pathology, the cancer appeared to be moving toward the brain and the eye. BUT upon further review of information, physical examination of Matt, asking a bunch of questions, and looking more closely at the original MRIs of the head, he recognized that the tumor appeared to just be only in the nasal cavity. What he indicated was that it is "localized" (just in the nasal cavity) but what we didn't know about this specific form of tumor is that even though it may look encapsulated (all in a nice little shell) it actually does have "feelers" (little branches that reach out beyond the wall of the tumor) that will try to infiltrate other areas and spread so he said it is crucial to perform surgery in the near future. He wants to wait until Matt has completely finished treatments. Matt has one more chemotherapy session on Monday and then approximately 2-3 weeks remaining of radiation. Matt will need to be finished with treatments for approximately 3 weeks before surgery can happen. So we are looking at the possibility of surgery in the first part of December if all goes according to plan...trusting first and foremost the LORD'S plan above all else.
The surgery was described in a couple ways. The worst of which was that there would be a neurosurgeon involved and he would actually do an incision from ear to ear going up and over the forehead, remove the frontal lobe (forehead bone) and pull down the face and get to the tumor from the top. (sorry for the graphic detail) And then at the same time that the neurosurgeon is doing that, Dr. Armstrong would go in by cutting the inside-upper lip and pull up and go through the nasal cavity that way. Dr. Armstrong said that his objective will be to save Matt's eye by removing the remaining cancer and keeping it away from his optic nerves that are currently being threatened by the tumor. This type of surgery would also require reconstructive surgery at some point for Matt as well. Another surgery described was to just go in endoscopically through the nostril to remove the remaining tumor and obtain clean margins that way. Well, for obvious reasons, we are praying that endoscopically is the way to go. The recovery time for the endoscopic method is a matter of days or a couple of weeks. The more invasive way would have him in the hospital for about a week, with the first few days being in ICU. More time in the hospital is not what a cancer patient wants or needs, and being off work is also concern, so we are praying that the Lord would deliver Matt fully of the cancer and a drastically invasive surgery is not necessary. Please join us in prayer for that.
Matt will begin receiving a very precise form of radiation called "CyberKnife" today. (It really is not as violent and scary as the name sounds.) Cyberknife is a very precise form of pain-free radiation that will pinpoint a specific spot and only radiate that spot without reaching other healthier tissue that doesn't need radiation, or already very radiated tissue that cannot withstand further radiation therapy. Matt's tumor, based on the last MRI, had decreased in size by half! And since then even more of the tumor has exited his body. So it is even smaller still. Praise the Lord! The Cyberknife will help to kill even more of the tumor and prayerfully, by the time he gets his surgery there will be little to no tumor left to be removed! That is our prayer.
So at this point, the next thing happening is Matt has an MRI scheduled for today to measure the tumor size as it is right now. That information will be sent to UCI and then next Friday
there will be a tumor board meeting to specifically introduce Matt's cancer and all of the test results to the team of medical oncologists, radiology oncologists and surgical oncologists, as well as the neurosurgeon and they will discuss the best form of surgery and treatment for Matt's tumor. We will be heading back to UCI next Friday to receive the results of that tumor board meeting and what the recommendation is. If surgery is what the recommendation is, and we believe it will be, then authorization for surgery will be requested and then scheduled from there.
we continue to trust Him.
He doesn't bring us to this point and then abandon us.
matthew 6:26 says, look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. are you not much more valuable then they?
and to that i would say, yes. yes we are.
dr. armstrong - uci surgeon
pavilion 2; 1st floor
that was the appointment on my calendar.
at 6:30am, jamie, matt and i hit the freeway and headed to orange county. we had plenty of time and even stopped for breakfast. the 91 didn't hate us. the day was already looking up.
when we got to the surgeons office, we people watched, we listened and we laughed. we decided to play, "what will the doctor say - loser buys lunch" while we sat in the waiting room.
eventually we made it into the exam room and played "what is that utensil for and where will they use it on matt" to pass the time while we waited. again, we guessed and laughed.
eventually we were met by the resident and matt answered the same 50 or so questions he's been asked by every other doctor and specialist we've met. we once again were told that they are still learning about this rare and aggressive cancer and then they peppered him with more questions. he went the funny route with his answers. she must have left her sense of humor at home that morning. no big deal. it's not like we were there for brain surgery... so i thought.
then dr. armstrong came in. he was very knowledgable. we asked how many of these cases he sees.
1-2 per year. yep, it's rare. remember matt has that only 1 in 100,000 cancer.
i got lost when he said for surgery, he'd "lift the hood" or maybe it was much earlier, which may be why he used that term with me. (see below, it's the first surgery option that the surgeon describes.)
and after the appointment, jamie wrote this summary...
Today we saw the surgeon at UCI. Dr. William Armstrong comes highly recommended by Matt's oncologist, as well as the oncologist at City of Hope. Dr. Armstrong sees 1-2 patients with poorly differentiated neuroendocrine carcinoma per year. His success rate with the very "rare and aggressive" form of cancer has been dependent upon the age of the patient, and also their willingness to allow him to be as aggressive as necessary in order to get them to be surgically cancer-free. If he has to take an eye...he wants to be able to take an eye and the patient needs to be willing. Yes, he was that matter-of-fact. But he said that Matt is otherwise healthy and he is young so the odds are more in his favor that he can withstand an aggressive form of surgery if that's what is called for in his case.
The surgeon reviewed the information we had, scans, reports, documentation etc. but before reviewing everything, he started the conversation by stating that, based on what he read in the initial pathology, the cancer appeared to be moving toward the brain and the eye. BUT upon further review of information, physical examination of Matt, asking a bunch of questions, and looking more closely at the original MRIs of the head, he recognized that the tumor appeared to just be only in the nasal cavity. What he indicated was that it is "localized" (just in the nasal cavity) but what we didn't know about this specific form of tumor is that even though it may look encapsulated (all in a nice little shell) it actually does have "feelers" (little branches that reach out beyond the wall of the tumor) that will try to infiltrate other areas and spread so he said it is crucial to perform surgery in the near future. He wants to wait until Matt has completely finished treatments. Matt has one more chemotherapy session on Monday and then approximately 2-3 weeks remaining of radiation. Matt will need to be finished with treatments for approximately 3 weeks before surgery can happen. So we are looking at the possibility of surgery in the first part of December if all goes according to plan...trusting first and foremost the LORD'S plan above all else.
The surgery was described in a couple ways. The worst of which was that there would be a neurosurgeon involved and he would actually do an incision from ear to ear going up and over the forehead, remove the frontal lobe (forehead bone) and pull down the face and get to the tumor from the top. (sorry for the graphic detail) And then at the same time that the neurosurgeon is doing that, Dr. Armstrong would go in by cutting the inside-upper lip and pull up and go through the nasal cavity that way. Dr. Armstrong said that his objective will be to save Matt's eye by removing the remaining cancer and keeping it away from his optic nerves that are currently being threatened by the tumor. This type of surgery would also require reconstructive surgery at some point for Matt as well. Another surgery described was to just go in endoscopically through the nostril to remove the remaining tumor and obtain clean margins that way. Well, for obvious reasons, we are praying that endoscopically is the way to go. The recovery time for the endoscopic method is a matter of days or a couple of weeks. The more invasive way would have him in the hospital for about a week, with the first few days being in ICU. More time in the hospital is not what a cancer patient wants or needs, and being off work is also concern, so we are praying that the Lord would deliver Matt fully of the cancer and a drastically invasive surgery is not necessary. Please join us in prayer for that.
Matt will begin receiving a very precise form of radiation called "CyberKnife" today. (It really is not as violent and scary as the name sounds.) Cyberknife is a very precise form of pain-free radiation that will pinpoint a specific spot and only radiate that spot without reaching other healthier tissue that doesn't need radiation, or already very radiated tissue that cannot withstand further radiation therapy. Matt's tumor, based on the last MRI, had decreased in size by half! And since then even more of the tumor has exited his body. So it is even smaller still. Praise the Lord! The Cyberknife will help to kill even more of the tumor and prayerfully, by the time he gets his surgery there will be little to no tumor left to be removed! That is our prayer.
So at this point, the next thing happening is Matt has an MRI scheduled for today to measure the tumor size as it is right now. That information will be sent to UCI and then next Friday
there will be a tumor board meeting to specifically introduce Matt's cancer and all of the test results to the team of medical oncologists, radiology oncologists and surgical oncologists, as well as the neurosurgeon and they will discuss the best form of surgery and treatment for Matt's tumor. We will be heading back to UCI next Friday to receive the results of that tumor board meeting and what the recommendation is. If surgery is what the recommendation is, and we believe it will be, then authorization for surgery will be requested and then scheduled from there.
we continue to trust Him.
He doesn't bring us to this point and then abandon us.
matthew 6:26 says, look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. are you not much more valuable then they?
and to that i would say, yes. yes we are.
Friday, October 18, 2013
cancerschmancer - faithfulness and watermelon
as we drove home from our appointment at uci today, my mind was all over the place.
matt turned on the radio and jeremy camp's, "walk by faith" was on.
of course, that brought more tears.
after my devotion from the other day from psalm 119, there's not a doubt in my mind that He wants me to do just that. walk by faith
step 1: walk by faith
cancer and my type a personality can not co-exist. it just doesn't work.
immediately after the song was over my mind went back to thinking about the surgery part of what the doctor told us.
this is why the Word of God says to take every thought captive and to practically do that, i must fill my mind and keep filling it with what i want to occupy it.
step 2: fill the mind
and when the song was over, my thoughts took over again.
thoughts - 1; sarah - 0
here's what went through my mind:
when its time for surgery, (and we don't know when they will do it yet...)
who is going to help us with the kids?
will it be in december or was that just a maybe because we pushed for a ballpark?
what method of surgery will they do?
do you know how busy december is for people? (cancer by the way, knows no time!)
how are we going to prepare for christmas?
how long will matt be off work?
how long will i be off work?
will i be able to shop, wrap and do christmas like we normally do?
who will stay with the kids while i'm at uci with matt?
*i'm not asking for help, just sharing what went through my mind*
then i thought, ok, so if in fact surgery comes around christmas, we'll actually focus on the REAL meaning rather than the commercialized meaning and that's ok, in fact it's perfect and it's the way HE intended for us to celebrate. we have much to rejoice over. we'll celebrate the One who gives us life.
ok, i can do that.
step 3: rejoice
then matt and jamie reminded me as i verbalized all of my concerns, HE is faithful and has been faithful thus far.
in my quiet time i've been reading through the psalms. about a week ago i read chapters 104-107 and was reminded of all of the things He did. He proved His faithfulness and the works of His hands over and over. hasn't He done great things so far? why have i so quickly let those things leave my mind?
step 4: remember that which He has done in the past 52 days.
finally i visualized the watermelons we had on our kitchen table. if you remember, i posted about matt's watermelon craving last week and over the course of three days, we had 11 - yes 11 watermelons brought to us. some were handed to us and some were anonymously delivered to our porch. i purposefully didn't share that at the time because i didn't want anyone to think that their idea was not original or maybe they weren't appreciated since we did get a few. but let me tell you, every single watermelon was appreciated because we knew matt was being thought of, loved on and prayed for. and our family was experiencing Jesus through this. and we have 3 left, matt can't eat it fast enough so if you brought one (or more!) thank you!!!
matt had a small desire and we see how it was provided for exceedingly abundantly. i'm reminded that HE cares for every detail. He doesn't provide us with watermelon but leave us when we really need Him for the "big" stuff.
so for those of you who were obedient - you might have looked at it as watermelon.
i look at it as faithfulness and complete provision.
step 5: thank and trust Him
ps - for those of you who were looking for the cancer pictures or the uci update, hang tight they are coming.
pss - we've been so blessed with dinners, and recently my brother set up a meal planning website, if you are interested in helping with that, click here: meal train and thank you! we are so thankful...because we're all going to cry the day i start cooking again.
matt turned on the radio and jeremy camp's, "walk by faith" was on.
of course, that brought more tears.
after my devotion from the other day from psalm 119, there's not a doubt in my mind that He wants me to do just that. walk by faith
step 1: walk by faith
cancer and my type a personality can not co-exist. it just doesn't work.
immediately after the song was over my mind went back to thinking about the surgery part of what the doctor told us.
this is why the Word of God says to take every thought captive and to practically do that, i must fill my mind and keep filling it with what i want to occupy it.
step 2: fill the mind
and when the song was over, my thoughts took over again.
thoughts - 1; sarah - 0
here's what went through my mind:
when its time for surgery, (and we don't know when they will do it yet...)
who is going to help us with the kids?
will it be in december or was that just a maybe because we pushed for a ballpark?
what method of surgery will they do?
do you know how busy december is for people? (cancer by the way, knows no time!)
how are we going to prepare for christmas?
how long will matt be off work?
how long will i be off work?
will i be able to shop, wrap and do christmas like we normally do?
who will stay with the kids while i'm at uci with matt?
*i'm not asking for help, just sharing what went through my mind*
then i thought, ok, so if in fact surgery comes around christmas, we'll actually focus on the REAL meaning rather than the commercialized meaning and that's ok, in fact it's perfect and it's the way HE intended for us to celebrate. we have much to rejoice over. we'll celebrate the One who gives us life.
ok, i can do that.
step 3: rejoice
then matt and jamie reminded me as i verbalized all of my concerns, HE is faithful and has been faithful thus far.
in my quiet time i've been reading through the psalms. about a week ago i read chapters 104-107 and was reminded of all of the things He did. He proved His faithfulness and the works of His hands over and over. hasn't He done great things so far? why have i so quickly let those things leave my mind?
step 4: remember that which He has done in the past 52 days.
finally i visualized the watermelons we had on our kitchen table. if you remember, i posted about matt's watermelon craving last week and over the course of three days, we had 11 - yes 11 watermelons brought to us. some were handed to us and some were anonymously delivered to our porch. i purposefully didn't share that at the time because i didn't want anyone to think that their idea was not original or maybe they weren't appreciated since we did get a few. but let me tell you, every single watermelon was appreciated because we knew matt was being thought of, loved on and prayed for. and our family was experiencing Jesus through this. and we have 3 left, matt can't eat it fast enough so if you brought one (or more!) thank you!!!
matt had a small desire and we see how it was provided for exceedingly abundantly. i'm reminded that HE cares for every detail. He doesn't provide us with watermelon but leave us when we really need Him for the "big" stuff.
so for those of you who were obedient - you might have looked at it as watermelon.
i look at it as faithfulness and complete provision.
step 5: thank and trust Him
ps - for those of you who were looking for the cancer pictures or the uci update, hang tight they are coming.
pss - we've been so blessed with dinners, and recently my brother set up a meal planning website, if you are interested in helping with that, click here: meal train and thank you! we are so thankful...because we're all going to cry the day i start cooking again.
Thursday, October 10, 2013
cancerschmancer - update - a long update
it's been a while since i've written a complete update, so here's the latest.
seems nothing has changed.
yet everything has changed.
my mind and emotions are all over the map. thank God He is steadfast
a few weeks ago matt went to city of hope for another opinion. though we can't get treatment there, we were curious what they thought. they agreed it's rare and it's aggressive. they also confirmed everything that riverside medical is doing. they had their tumor board review matt's case and agreed we are on the right track. they also said the tumor is up against the orbital bone but it isn't eroding it. that was a huge surprise and answer to prayer. we've since found out from them that there is no "standard of care" for this cancer. i'm still not sure how to even respond to that. ok, so what do we do now?
then, per our request for a referral out, we went to uci. jamie, our cancer liaison and friend went with us. she asked a lot of questions. later we discuss everything, prayed, and decided to stay the course. we will stick with getting treatment at riverside medical. we didn't like a lot of what that oncologist at uci said and her opinion and thoughts on treatment conflicted what we had previously heard. the uci oncologist has seen 6 or 7 patients; coh has seen about 10 and rmc has seen 3. so we figured no on really has much experience but if coh and rmc have seen twice the number, we'll stick with where we are. plus we really like our oncologist at riverside medical. having said that, our surgeon is from uci and has coming highly recommended from both rmc and coh and we understand he has experience doing surgery with this cancer in this location. we don't know how many cases he has seen. (i say i'm experienced in running half marathons, i've run 3.) lets hope when he says he has experience, he isn't using the word like i do. but then again, this is rare right? sigh...
last friday, matt had two mris and monday we got the call that the tumor was half of its original size, it was the size of a lime. now he has half a lime? ok, maybe more like a walnut? anyway, that was amazing news, we rejoiced, we cried, we thanked God.
and that changes things again.
with that news, the radiation oncologist, who, have i mentioned looks like kramer? he's tall, thin and has wild hair...i told matt i expect him to slide into the room and say, jerry!!! but back to the point...he is changing the radiation method. he's happy with the shrinkage but the tumor is still near the optic nerve so he wants to use a different type of radiation so he doesn't damage the nerve. he is also being more specific with how he hits the tumor. he said the more radiation, the more risk of damage. he told matt that there are about 14 more scheduled treatments but i suppose that will depend on surgery? (more on that below) the radiation mask is a bit more loose and they asked if matt is losing weight...he said it's just that his hair is gone now but if they want him to go grab his toupee, he's happy to do that. they laughed.
the chemo cocktail is also changing because matt is having increasingly more ringing in his hears and they are concerned it could become permanent if he continues with the same chemo treatment. he has an appointment on monday to check his hearing. perhaps they can also check the selective hearing that comes with being married almost 20 years? wait, did i just say that?
the oncologist also said that there's a chance that when we see the surgeon at uci on the 18th, he could schedule surgery sooner rather than later and chemo (scheduled for the 21st) could be cancelled. they want to do surgery soon so they can stop the radiation. matt will still have more chemo after surgery, we don't know how much or which method (oral or iv) but we're told he'll have a few rounds. we think that surgery will be through the nose rather than cutting but that will also be confirmed the 18th.
matt still has thrush, he's on meds and has lost a few pounds. they are concerned with the weight loss and want him to bulk up. he can't afford to lose much weight. he's already lost 6 lbs in a week but he had chemo and with the painful sores, it's understandable, just not ideal. because of the thrush, he craves watermelon. and watermelon is pretty much out of season. when he sees one (and usually there's only one!) at the store, he runs to it and grabs it. so if you are eyeing it and matt is around, act fast or you are out of luck. you've been warned.
so how are we doing? the kids are both doing ok. just ok. they are struggling at school. it's an adjustment, new programs, new schools, and new things going on at home. their minds are easily distracted. they are both talking more to us about the cancer and what they see God doing in it. they pray daily for daddy to be healed. they pray for opportunities to share Jesus because of the cancer. and they pray that no matter what He decides to do in this, heal daddy here on earth or in heaven, He would be glorified. tonight taylor prayed over dinner and said, "Lord, we'll praise You in the storm." (another reason for my tears.)
and how am i?
i'm tired. i'm weary. i'm emotionally drained. we live a busy life with work, church and lots of activities going on, it's natural to feel this way. people continue to bless us. i've cooked dinner once; my house has been cleaned; the lawn is kept up; friends run errands for us and get the kids where they need to be. the doctor appointments; phone calls, homework with the kids, etc. wear me out. it's emotional. i've made it one day with out crying and it's been 44 days. i don't cry all day every day; it's just that something each day gets me. usually an unexpected blessing, but sometimes it's just a lot. the highs are high and the lows are low. i didn't expect matt's bald head to be hard for me but it is. harder than i thought. it's a visible reminder that cancer is in our home. when i see him, i see cancer. the Lord is showing me areas where i am weak and i need to rely on Him in all things.
my role right now is to help the kids and matt get through this. as much as i tell matt that we can make this somehow about me, it's not. (gasp!) the Lord called me to be his helpmate and i want to be the best helpmate i can and honor Him in it.
because it's good for all of us, i reluctantly do things for me. and i work. and i go to women's bible study each week. i'll be ok. He is our strength. we draw from Him daily.
this is a long, hard road - it's not a road i'd detour from if i had the choice because what He is doing is far better than we could have expected or anticipated. (i used to think only crazy people said that!)
we don't have an end in sight. it could be six months; it could be a year; could be more; could be less; we have no idea. but then we aren't promised tomorrow are we? so we try to live intentionally, we make the most of each day. we hug tighter, we say i love you more often, and we laugh harder and more frequently.
we still add to our hope pile daily, His word brings life. it gives strength when we have none left.
again, He is so good.
so that's the update, if you are still reading, you deserve an ice cream.
seems nothing has changed.
yet everything has changed.
my mind and emotions are all over the map. thank God He is steadfast
a few weeks ago matt went to city of hope for another opinion. though we can't get treatment there, we were curious what they thought. they agreed it's rare and it's aggressive. they also confirmed everything that riverside medical is doing. they had their tumor board review matt's case and agreed we are on the right track. they also said the tumor is up against the orbital bone but it isn't eroding it. that was a huge surprise and answer to prayer. we've since found out from them that there is no "standard of care" for this cancer. i'm still not sure how to even respond to that. ok, so what do we do now?
then, per our request for a referral out, we went to uci. jamie, our cancer liaison and friend went with us. she asked a lot of questions. later we discuss everything, prayed, and decided to stay the course. we will stick with getting treatment at riverside medical. we didn't like a lot of what that oncologist at uci said and her opinion and thoughts on treatment conflicted what we had previously heard. the uci oncologist has seen 6 or 7 patients; coh has seen about 10 and rmc has seen 3. so we figured no on really has much experience but if coh and rmc have seen twice the number, we'll stick with where we are. plus we really like our oncologist at riverside medical. having said that, our surgeon is from uci and has coming highly recommended from both rmc and coh and we understand he has experience doing surgery with this cancer in this location. we don't know how many cases he has seen. (i say i'm experienced in running half marathons, i've run 3.) lets hope when he says he has experience, he isn't using the word like i do. but then again, this is rare right? sigh...
last friday, matt had two mris and monday we got the call that the tumor was half of its original size, it was the size of a lime. now he has half a lime? ok, maybe more like a walnut? anyway, that was amazing news, we rejoiced, we cried, we thanked God.
and that changes things again.
with that news, the radiation oncologist, who, have i mentioned looks like kramer? he's tall, thin and has wild hair...i told matt i expect him to slide into the room and say, jerry!!! but back to the point...he is changing the radiation method. he's happy with the shrinkage but the tumor is still near the optic nerve so he wants to use a different type of radiation so he doesn't damage the nerve. he is also being more specific with how he hits the tumor. he said the more radiation, the more risk of damage. he told matt that there are about 14 more scheduled treatments but i suppose that will depend on surgery? (more on that below) the radiation mask is a bit more loose and they asked if matt is losing weight...he said it's just that his hair is gone now but if they want him to go grab his toupee, he's happy to do that. they laughed.
the chemo cocktail is also changing because matt is having increasingly more ringing in his hears and they are concerned it could become permanent if he continues with the same chemo treatment. he has an appointment on monday to check his hearing. perhaps they can also check the selective hearing that comes with being married almost 20 years? wait, did i just say that?
the oncologist also said that there's a chance that when we see the surgeon at uci on the 18th, he could schedule surgery sooner rather than later and chemo (scheduled for the 21st) could be cancelled. they want to do surgery soon so they can stop the radiation. matt will still have more chemo after surgery, we don't know how much or which method (oral or iv) but we're told he'll have a few rounds. we think that surgery will be through the nose rather than cutting but that will also be confirmed the 18th.
matt still has thrush, he's on meds and has lost a few pounds. they are concerned with the weight loss and want him to bulk up. he can't afford to lose much weight. he's already lost 6 lbs in a week but he had chemo and with the painful sores, it's understandable, just not ideal. because of the thrush, he craves watermelon. and watermelon is pretty much out of season. when he sees one (and usually there's only one!) at the store, he runs to it and grabs it. so if you are eyeing it and matt is around, act fast or you are out of luck. you've been warned.
so how are we doing? the kids are both doing ok. just ok. they are struggling at school. it's an adjustment, new programs, new schools, and new things going on at home. their minds are easily distracted. they are both talking more to us about the cancer and what they see God doing in it. they pray daily for daddy to be healed. they pray for opportunities to share Jesus because of the cancer. and they pray that no matter what He decides to do in this, heal daddy here on earth or in heaven, He would be glorified. tonight taylor prayed over dinner and said, "Lord, we'll praise You in the storm." (another reason for my tears.)
and how am i?
i'm tired. i'm weary. i'm emotionally drained. we live a busy life with work, church and lots of activities going on, it's natural to feel this way. people continue to bless us. i've cooked dinner once; my house has been cleaned; the lawn is kept up; friends run errands for us and get the kids where they need to be. the doctor appointments; phone calls, homework with the kids, etc. wear me out. it's emotional. i've made it one day with out crying and it's been 44 days. i don't cry all day every day; it's just that something each day gets me. usually an unexpected blessing, but sometimes it's just a lot. the highs are high and the lows are low. i didn't expect matt's bald head to be hard for me but it is. harder than i thought. it's a visible reminder that cancer is in our home. when i see him, i see cancer. the Lord is showing me areas where i am weak and i need to rely on Him in all things.
my role right now is to help the kids and matt get through this. as much as i tell matt that we can make this somehow about me, it's not. (gasp!) the Lord called me to be his helpmate and i want to be the best helpmate i can and honor Him in it.
because it's good for all of us, i reluctantly do things for me. and i work. and i go to women's bible study each week. i'll be ok. He is our strength. we draw from Him daily.
this is a long, hard road - it's not a road i'd detour from if i had the choice because what He is doing is far better than we could have expected or anticipated. (i used to think only crazy people said that!)
we don't have an end in sight. it could be six months; it could be a year; could be more; could be less; we have no idea. but then we aren't promised tomorrow are we? so we try to live intentionally, we make the most of each day. we hug tighter, we say i love you more often, and we laugh harder and more frequently.
we still add to our hope pile daily, His word brings life. it gives strength when we have none left.
again, He is so good.
so that's the update, if you are still reading, you deserve an ice cream.
Saturday, October 5, 2013
cancerschmancer - let's eat
as i've mentioned, our family, friends, and the body of Christ have come up along side us through this process. needs have been met, most of these needs are met even before we even know that we have a need.
that's just how good God is. we are often in awe because of the goodness and love He shows us.
every day i am excited to see what He is going to do that day because i know something will happen that is totally unexpected - it's happened every day for the past 39 days.
every day since cancer entered our home.
i hesitate to mention or publicly thank people by name for a few reasons.
first, their reward is in heaven. i believe people are coming along side of us because He has placed it on their hearts, not because they want a public thank you.
second, we are blessed with a lot of people doing things for us - some we know of; others we will never know on this side of heaven. (by the way, anonymous things both bless me and drive me crazy, i want to know who was here!! yet, my heart is full every time!)
third, there are too many people to mention and i don't want to miss anyone.
fourth, many people are praying. some wake up at 3am to pray and some even stay up all night to pray, and there are people we don't know who have heard of my beloved and they are praying. all of the prayer is invaluable.
finally, the reward is in heaven.
having said that, there is one thing.
one very big thing.
dinner.
in the very beginning, a friend came to me and said dinners have been set up through the next month. past tense. as in it was already done and there was no need in arguing.
i didn't realize at that moment what a huge blessing that would be.
with cancer comes changes.
one immediate, specific change we made was eating.
sugar feeds cancer so that was cut out right away. matt needs nutrition, vitamins, and whole foods. what he eats, needs to count, especially because he doesn't always feel like eating and weight loss and dehydration, we've learned, are a huge risk.
anyone who knows me knows i am not the best cook. i do pride myself in being the processed food queen. but then who doesn't feed their family things that are quick, easy and convenient?
it's 2013. we're busy. we eat on the go.
this eating right thing is all new to me.
we started shopping at trader joes and in that tiny little store, i'll admit, i was lost. it's a good thing that people are bringing dinner because if it was up to me, we'd all die. but not from cancer, it would be starvation that would kill us.
the obvious reason it was a blessing to have dinners brought to us was so i wouldn't have to prepare dinner. (duh, right?) it helps us with time. suddenly our lives have become very busy with phone calls, doctor appointments, various treatments, church, working, running kids everywhere and the list goes on and on.
what i didn't realize that the mental part of dinner was also removed. i no longer had to think about what to make. or if i had everything on hand. not to mention, wondering if is it even good for matt to eat.
another huge blessing is that i'm learning that we can eat healthy using "normal" foods that we love. it just doesn't have to be fried or paired with something unhealthy on the side. this has been an amazing eye opening experience.
we are thankful.
i've noticed that the smoke alarm hasn't encouraged me with the jarrett anthem in 39 days!
and just yesterday at the table, we were eating dinner that had just been brought over and the conversation went like this:
taylor: this is so good mom!
me: yes it is. i think i'm going to cry the day i have to start cooking again.
levi: me too mom, me too.
me: ................
*as a side note, i've since been told that we won't cook until this thing is over. i only know who is organizing this but i'm not sure who has been contacted or who has offered to bring us dinner, but if you are part of this, thank you from the bottom of our very full hearts.
meal train for the jarretts
once again, God is so good.
that's just how good God is. we are often in awe because of the goodness and love He shows us.
every day i am excited to see what He is going to do that day because i know something will happen that is totally unexpected - it's happened every day for the past 39 days.
every day since cancer entered our home.
i hesitate to mention or publicly thank people by name for a few reasons.
first, their reward is in heaven. i believe people are coming along side of us because He has placed it on their hearts, not because they want a public thank you.
second, we are blessed with a lot of people doing things for us - some we know of; others we will never know on this side of heaven. (by the way, anonymous things both bless me and drive me crazy, i want to know who was here!! yet, my heart is full every time!)
third, there are too many people to mention and i don't want to miss anyone.
fourth, many people are praying. some wake up at 3am to pray and some even stay up all night to pray, and there are people we don't know who have heard of my beloved and they are praying. all of the prayer is invaluable.
finally, the reward is in heaven.
having said that, there is one thing.
one very big thing.
dinner.
in the very beginning, a friend came to me and said dinners have been set up through the next month. past tense. as in it was already done and there was no need in arguing.
i didn't realize at that moment what a huge blessing that would be.
with cancer comes changes.
one immediate, specific change we made was eating.
sugar feeds cancer so that was cut out right away. matt needs nutrition, vitamins, and whole foods. what he eats, needs to count, especially because he doesn't always feel like eating and weight loss and dehydration, we've learned, are a huge risk.
anyone who knows me knows i am not the best cook. i do pride myself in being the processed food queen. but then who doesn't feed their family things that are quick, easy and convenient?
it's 2013. we're busy. we eat on the go.
this eating right thing is all new to me.
we started shopping at trader joes and in that tiny little store, i'll admit, i was lost. it's a good thing that people are bringing dinner because if it was up to me, we'd all die. but not from cancer, it would be starvation that would kill us.
the obvious reason it was a blessing to have dinners brought to us was so i wouldn't have to prepare dinner. (duh, right?) it helps us with time. suddenly our lives have become very busy with phone calls, doctor appointments, various treatments, church, working, running kids everywhere and the list goes on and on.
what i didn't realize that the mental part of dinner was also removed. i no longer had to think about what to make. or if i had everything on hand. not to mention, wondering if is it even good for matt to eat.
another huge blessing is that i'm learning that we can eat healthy using "normal" foods that we love. it just doesn't have to be fried or paired with something unhealthy on the side. this has been an amazing eye opening experience.
we are thankful.
i've noticed that the smoke alarm hasn't encouraged me with the jarrett anthem in 39 days!
and just yesterday at the table, we were eating dinner that had just been brought over and the conversation went like this:
taylor: this is so good mom!
me: yes it is. i think i'm going to cry the day i have to start cooking again.
levi: me too mom, me too.
me: ................
*as a side note, i've since been told that we won't cook until this thing is over. i only know who is organizing this but i'm not sure who has been contacted or who has offered to bring us dinner, but if you are part of this, thank you from the bottom of our very full hearts.
meal train for the jarretts
once again, God is so good.
Tuesday, October 1, 2013
cancerschmancer - one of those days
today was a rough day, they happen. they have happened and they will happen. we're human. we laugh. we cry. we deal. i'm going on too many days with too little sleep and having too many emotions. today is just one of those days.
today we went to our new oncologist, she has a long name that i can't pronounce. she is a specialist at uci, she only sees the hard cases, she never has a "normal" cancer come through her office.
she confirmed what we already knew. this is rare. this is aggressive. she has only seen 6 or 7 patients with this kind of cancer. the problem is that this is a rare place for cancer and rare type of cancer. we have the best (or worst?) of both worlds since matt has this rare cancer in this rare place. again, 1 in 100,000. i told him he's taking one for the team since no one else we will ever know will get this cancer, in this place.
the new oncologist asked many questions that seemed irrelevant but obviously had a purpose in her mind. as it turns out, they are researching this cancer in this place. it is not hereditary so our kids are safe from it, it's more environmental and is found primarily in asians - in fact i believe she's only seen it in asians. matt told her that explains it as he loves chinese food. she smirked, i'm not sure she laughed, but he did and that's what matters.
for treatment, she said would have chosen a more aggressive treatment, a cocktail of chemo but she said since what we are in the middle of a plan, it's best to continue on. once we finish this course of treatment, we can start going to her. for now, she'll send our biopsy in for further testing to see if they can identify mutated genes and hit those specifically with the next round of chemo. until then, we continue with the current chemo, radiation and we'll go back to see her early november. she isn't sure when (or if) surgery will happen. she confirmed what everyone else has said - we have a long road ahead of us.
matt's hair started to really thin so he decided today was the day. the kids had fun shaving matts head. taylor gave him a reverse faux hawk, levi shaved an m in the back of his dad's head. when matt was diagnosed, taylor decided when her daddy said it was time for his head to be shaved, she was cutting her hair and donating it. she printed and filled out the form, she is donating her hair to locks of love.
yes, it's a hard day for this wife and mom. not because of their hair but because of what it represents.
tomorrow taylor turns 15, she has a new, gorgeous look and a reason for this new look. her daddy has cancer.
i can't guarantee i'll be tear free tomorrow. i haven't had a tear free day since the diagnosis. perhaps one day.
in the mean time, we recognize hard days happen. and when they do, we remember He was human; He wept; He asked for this cup to pass; He said, not my will but Yours.
today we went to our new oncologist, she has a long name that i can't pronounce. she is a specialist at uci, she only sees the hard cases, she never has a "normal" cancer come through her office.
she confirmed what we already knew. this is rare. this is aggressive. she has only seen 6 or 7 patients with this kind of cancer. the problem is that this is a rare place for cancer and rare type of cancer. we have the best (or worst?) of both worlds since matt has this rare cancer in this rare place. again, 1 in 100,000. i told him he's taking one for the team since no one else we will ever know will get this cancer, in this place.
the new oncologist asked many questions that seemed irrelevant but obviously had a purpose in her mind. as it turns out, they are researching this cancer in this place. it is not hereditary so our kids are safe from it, it's more environmental and is found primarily in asians - in fact i believe she's only seen it in asians. matt told her that explains it as he loves chinese food. she smirked, i'm not sure she laughed, but he did and that's what matters.
for treatment, she said would have chosen a more aggressive treatment, a cocktail of chemo but she said since what we are in the middle of a plan, it's best to continue on. once we finish this course of treatment, we can start going to her. for now, she'll send our biopsy in for further testing to see if they can identify mutated genes and hit those specifically with the next round of chemo. until then, we continue with the current chemo, radiation and we'll go back to see her early november. she isn't sure when (or if) surgery will happen. she confirmed what everyone else has said - we have a long road ahead of us.
matt's hair started to really thin so he decided today was the day. the kids had fun shaving matts head. taylor gave him a reverse faux hawk, levi shaved an m in the back of his dad's head. when matt was diagnosed, taylor decided when her daddy said it was time for his head to be shaved, she was cutting her hair and donating it. she printed and filled out the form, she is donating her hair to locks of love.
yes, it's a hard day for this wife and mom. not because of their hair but because of what it represents.
tomorrow taylor turns 15, she has a new, gorgeous look and a reason for this new look. her daddy has cancer.
i can't guarantee i'll be tear free tomorrow. i haven't had a tear free day since the diagnosis. perhaps one day.
in the mean time, we recognize hard days happen. and when they do, we remember He was human; He wept; He asked for this cup to pass; He said, not my will but Yours.
Tuesday, September 24, 2013
cancerschmancer - dont be a grace robber
so it's been 27 days since cancer entered our home. i was never one to count days after an event but now i see that when something so significant happens, it's hard to ignore it. 28 days ago we had no idea what we were about to experience, good and bad. joyful and tearful. through it all, God has been faithful over and over. our prayer is that we will have a lot more days ahead of us post cancer than we do pre cancer. but only He knows.
people praying is the best thing ever. we've been prayed over and loved in abundance and we are incredibly thankful.
another one of the ways that the Lord has ministered to us is through the body of Christ. since day 1, we have not gone a single day - not one - without some sort of surprise reminding us that we don't take this journey alone. often times these things arrive before we even know that we need them and then when the need arises, it has already been met. twice taylor and i prayed for something very specific and told no one. within days there it was. more tears of thankfulness.
some days its a text or email.
a card in the mail.
a blender.
dinner.
gift cards.
the lawn being mowed.
cupcakes.
a book.
a cancer organizer.
flowers.
a notecard with a verse for our hope pile.
a letter.
a worship cd.
coffee.
a journal.
a mint plant (which i killed - sorry!)
magazines for chemo.
protein powder.
ginger root for nausea.
a blanket for chemo.
the list goes on and on.
every single thing we have received has brought me to tears. i have yet to have one whole tear free day, i won't give up though!
it's hard for us to receive. one of the many many lessons we are learning in this is that it's ok to accept help and gifts because the giver is as blessed to give as we are in receiving.
one day in the beginning a friend tried to do something for us and i said no, it's ok. i can take care of it and she looked at me and in her best mom voice, she said, "don't be a grace robber." did i cry? yes. (no shocker there!) and she went on to do that thing she knew we needed. by doing it ourselves we are robbing them the opportunity to be His hand and feet and show us grace.
over and over the Lord has ministered to those words to my heart when my knee jerk reaction is to say no, we are ok - when in my heart it's a lie. i'm not ok. i can't do that. i can't make dinner or drive the kids or run to the store or ... but because we are trained to be independent and do it ourselves, we in effect become grace robbers.
i now look forward to each new day because i know blessings are waiting. and each time we are blessed by something - anything - we look at each other and say, God is good.
people praying is the best thing ever. we've been prayed over and loved in abundance and we are incredibly thankful.
another one of the ways that the Lord has ministered to us is through the body of Christ. since day 1, we have not gone a single day - not one - without some sort of surprise reminding us that we don't take this journey alone. often times these things arrive before we even know that we need them and then when the need arises, it has already been met. twice taylor and i prayed for something very specific and told no one. within days there it was. more tears of thankfulness.
some days its a text or email.
a card in the mail.
a blender.
dinner.
gift cards.
the lawn being mowed.
cupcakes.
a book.
a cancer organizer.
flowers.
a notecard with a verse for our hope pile.
a letter.
a worship cd.
coffee.
a journal.
a mint plant (which i killed - sorry!)
magazines for chemo.
protein powder.
ginger root for nausea.
a blanket for chemo.
the list goes on and on.
every single thing we have received has brought me to tears. i have yet to have one whole tear free day, i won't give up though!
it's hard for us to receive. one of the many many lessons we are learning in this is that it's ok to accept help and gifts because the giver is as blessed to give as we are in receiving.
one day in the beginning a friend tried to do something for us and i said no, it's ok. i can take care of it and she looked at me and in her best mom voice, she said, "don't be a grace robber." did i cry? yes. (no shocker there!) and she went on to do that thing she knew we needed. by doing it ourselves we are robbing them the opportunity to be His hand and feet and show us grace.
over and over the Lord has ministered to those words to my heart when my knee jerk reaction is to say no, we are ok - when in my heart it's a lie. i'm not ok. i can't do that. i can't make dinner or drive the kids or run to the store or ... but because we are trained to be independent and do it ourselves, we in effect become grace robbers.
i now look forward to each new day because i know blessings are waiting. and each time we are blessed by something - anything - we look at each other and say, God is good.
Monday, September 23, 2013
cancershmancer - the will of God
this morning a friend and respected teacher of the Word
asked how we are doing. he said that when
people say,"He never gives us more than we can handle" it isn't
exactly the truth. sometimes He DOES give us more than we can
handle so that we depend on Him even more.
i think i had an ah-ha! moment. it made so much sense because guess what? i feel like this is indeed more than i can handle. i've even said, can't handle this. i'm over here Lord, tapping out. (that's some insight to my deep prayer life!)
because people have said this to me, and believe me, they have, and it feels like more than i can handle sometimes, i guess that means my faith lacks right? and i doubt so i must be an immature christian. because certainly… this is more than i can handle.
i think i had an ah-ha! moment. it made so much sense because guess what? i feel like this is indeed more than i can handle. i've even said, can't handle this. i'm over here Lord, tapping out. (that's some insight to my deep prayer life!)
because people have said this to me, and believe me, they have, and it feels like more than i can handle sometimes, i guess that means my faith lacks right? and i doubt so i must be an immature christian. because certainly… this is more than i can handle.
but then because of this, there’s desperate dependence. i can’t
handle it on my own, but with Him, i can handle it.
with Him, i can make it another day, i can make it another moment. when we cling to Him with everything, it’s then that we are able to continue.
with Him, i can make it another day, i can make it another moment. when we cling to Him with everything, it’s then that we are able to continue.
later in the day, another sweet friend of mine sent me a
text saying she is praying for us and then said when she thinks about us, she’s reminded of this, “the
will of God will never take you where the grace of God can’t keep you” she later
found the entire poem and sent it too.
the will of God
the will of God will never take you,
where the grace of God cannot keep you,
where the arms of God cannot support you,
where the riches of God cannot supply your needs,
where the power of God cannot endow you.
where the grace of God cannot keep you,
where the arms of God cannot support you,
where the riches of God cannot supply your needs,
where the power of God cannot endow you.
the will of God will never take you,
where the Spirit of God cannot work through you,
where the wisdom of God cannot teach you,
where the army of God cannot protect you,
where the hands of God cannot mold you.
where the Spirit of God cannot work through you,
where the wisdom of God cannot teach you,
where the army of God cannot protect you,
where the hands of God cannot mold you.
the will of God will never take you,
where the love of God cannot enfold you,
where the mercies of God cannot sustain you,
where the peace of God cannot calm your fears,
where the authority of God cannot overrule for you.
where the love of God cannot enfold you,
where the mercies of God cannot sustain you,
where the peace of God cannot calm your fears,
where the authority of God cannot overrule for you.
the will of God will never take you,
where the comfort of God cannot dry your tears,
where the Word of God cannot feed you,
where the miracles of God cannot be done for you,
where the omnipresence of God cannot find you
sigh...
amen?!
where the comfort of God cannot dry your tears,
where the Word of God cannot feed you,
where the miracles of God cannot be done for you,
where the omnipresence of God cannot find you
sigh...
amen?!
we know that the cancer in our home right now is the will of God. we
know this is the road He wants us to walk; it’s the journey He has called our
family to take. BUT we aren’t alone, He is with us every step because He’s a good
God like that.
these two friends, who have no idea about each other, are
two of many who have been used by the Lord to speak to my heart. neither, i’m sure,
had any idea of the impact they would make on my day and the perspective i now
have. i’m encouraged and challenged that when the Lord asks me to share with someone, may i be
willing to do it because it just might
make a difference and that word fitly spoken, as it says in proverbs 25:11 could be exactly what they need.
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