cancerschmancer - He is the potter

when matt was diagnosed with this rare cancer a few months ago, we had no idea what was in store. what i did know was that our faith would grow. we would learn to trust Him more. He would prove Himself faithful. He would be with us. He would show us His love for us. i held on to every promise given to us from the Word and added to my "hope pile" often. (the hope pile is explained in this post)

what i didn't expect was that my heart would be refined. the deep, dark places of my innermost being would be touched. He doesn't just desire for us to grow; He desires to mold us. He reveals the areas that we think we are ok and shakes them to the core and begins changing. He isn't ok with us remaining as we are. He loves us too much.

back in high school, i took a pottery class. it was an easy a my senior year. i remember sitting at the wheel fighting with a piece of clay with the hopes of it becoming a beautiful piece. it became a pathetic bowl or was it an ash tray? i can't remember. unless you really know what you are doing, molding a piece of clay is hard.

but not for Him.

jeremiah 18:3-4, "so i went down to the potter's house and saw him working with the clay at the wheel. He was making a pot from clay. but there was something wrong with the pot. so the potter used that clay to make another pot. with His hands, He shaped the pot the way He wanted it to be."

He is the potter.
i am the clay.
He molds me.
He shapes me.
He presses.
He holds us firmly.
He removes pieces He wants gone.
He presses in.
in the end, we are who He wants us to be.

the process is painful. i could easily turn my back on this. i could justify my thoughts, attitudes and actions with simply saying, my husband has cancer and most people would understand. few would call me on it. but as He reveals these things to me, my desire is that i would learn what He would have for me in this. matt is fighting cancer, my job isn't to sit back. it's to learn what He has for me in this. to be changed by it. lest matt's cancer be in vain. we don't want to waste this.

i'll be honest, i didn't expect these areas to be revealed nor did i realize what a painful process this would be.

is it hard? absolutely.

but am i willing? without a doubt.