hurry up and wait, yet love

we thought we had a plan, but as with cancer, things change.
He continues to be faithful.
this continues to be hard.
we continue to trust Him with our everything.
at least those things haven't changed.

the uci surgeon called and ordered a pet scan. he didn't like the waiting, even though we are currently getting chemo. he says there isn't enough data on this rare and aggressive cancer to know what it's doing. he doesn't like that the last mri showed no change in size. so a pet scan was ordered, scheduled and the day after christmas matt had that done.

now we wait.
we should get results monday - the same day that we start chemo again.
in the mean time, the surgeon called again and said he will be scheduling surgery.
uh, excuse me, what?
we thought we were getting chemo and waiting the 3 months requested by the radiation oncologist.
sigh.

our oncologist is in india on vacation for about 2 more weeks. i'm not sure if her office is trying to get a hold of her to tell her about the latest change. i'm not sure if she even has to be part of this? i'm not sure if we can even do surgery without her knowledge. but we wait.

waiting is the hardest part. waiting for pet scan results.
well, the hardest part right now. there have been other hard parts. but right now, it's the waiting that's the hardest.

we have no reason to believe the cancer has spread. but then again, we had no reason to believe matt had cancer in the first place.
he's still tired. he's still nauseous. but he's also getting chemo. he's still working full time. it's flu season. it's christmas. it's busy. you can see the flip flop thoughts of my mind.

during this time of waiting, waiting the 3 months, waiting for the next phone call, waiting for scan results, waiting for surgery to be scheduled, i'm reminded to be still as it says in psalm 46.
my faith, trust and desperate dependence on Him has grown. that doesn't happen when you know what's ahead. it doesn't happen when you have results.

i pray like never before. i pray for His will, but i pray first for healing.
in luke 22:42, jesus prayed Father, if it is Your will, take this cup from Me; nevertheless, not My will, but Yours be done. then He prayed more earnestly and sweat great drops of blood. Jesus was passionate in His prayer. He prayed that the situation would be removed, then prayed His Father's will. i've begun pleading. begging. praying in earnest for healing. take this cup.

psalm 56:8 says He keeps our tears in a bottle. i wonder how big that bottle is? i have shed a few.

when i think about the overall picture, my beloved has a rare, aggressive cancer. i can't breathe. there is a physical weight on my chest. i want to laugh with him. i want to serve the Lord with him. i want to go to sleep every night listening to his heart beat. i want to hold his hand. i want to be adventurous with him. i want to be challenged by him. i want to grow old with him. i love him.

tomorrow isn't promised to anyone. it could be cancer that takes him. it could be something else that takes me. but in the mean time, we choose to live joyfully, laugh heartily, and love deeply for He is good and His love endures forever.

love like there's no tomorrow, and if tomorrow comes, love again. ~ max lucado

cancerschmancer - chemo again

we just got back from the oncologist. since our last visit with her, matt has finished radiation, cyberknife, chemo, he has seen each surgeon and heard different surgery methods and opinions. the oncologist has consulted with each as well as city of hope. they came up with a plan.



this week matt will have another mri. this will show the size of the tumor as well as it's location. the hope and prayer is that it has not only gotten smaller, but it has moved away from the eye and brain.



cyberknife will continue working for another 6 weeks or so. matt will have a PET scan mid january and that will determine if surgery is needed. every few days we're graced with more cancer leaving his body. these pieces seem to come when I start getting discouraged, God is good to send visible reminders like that.



chemo will start up again next monday. matt will have treatments for three consecutive days, every three weeks. this is a new cocktail of drugs, it's more toxic than the previous, please pray his body responds well and can withstand the treatment. the chemo will continue working to kill the cancer cells that might be near the tumor as well as any other cancer that might be in his body. this type of cancer is known to appear elsewhere. 



we appreciate prayer as he starts chemo again. the oncologist said the tumor is responding beautifully and wants to keep hitting it hard. 



this journey is incredibly hard. my heart is heavy but we trust His plan in this and know He has a purpose in all of it. we're grateful we don't walk this road alone. thank you for continually praying and encouraging us, thank you for being His servants and loving our family. we're blessed and in awe of His goodness.