so a few weeks ago matt had his "routine" pet scan and mri. the tests he'll have for many many years. the pet scan takes place every 4 months, the mri every 2 months. both are checking to see if there is any cancer in his body. "they" don't know enough about this cancer to know where it might show up, "they" just say it most likely will. "they" say most people don't make it beyond a year from diagnosis. it's not that "they" are wrong, there's just not enough data to really know for sure. this cancer is rare. it's also aggressive. that we all know.
so though matt has been put in remission, every ache, pain, lump, stuffy nose, headache, moment of blurred vision, plugged ears, days of fatigue, etc. puts me in the what if realm. forget the fact that he works like crazy and is a little older than he used to be. my mind forever plays ping pong with what "they" say and what the Word of God says. we know the latter is Truth, it's Life, it can be depended upon. we know that God has a will to accomplish and defies what "they" say in order to do that.
and for that, i'm very thankful.
about a week after the scans, we received the call, i'm sorry, i called them…twice…to get the scan results. when they were put in the system, i was told remission continues. there's no sign of cancer. i cried, we rejoiced. it was a (early) sweet christmas gift.
i treasure matt. i want to grow old with him. i want to jump in mud puddles. i want to share a chocolate shake. i want to hold his hand every day. i want to stare into his blue blue eyes. i want to fall asleep listening to his heart beat. i want to live fully with matt. for we know none of us are guaranteed tomorrow.
then today the oncologist called matt. she said she got back in the country yesterday and reviewed matt's scans.
1. the spot in his chest is smaller than it was in the last scan.
2. the spot in his stomach is also smaller.
he wrote it all down, said thank you and hung up.
then he gave me the paper. spots??
ok so have you ever been driving 55mph (or 65mph) on a california freeway and thrown your husband's truck into reverse? well basically the vehicle screeches to a stop and the engine is killed. like with no warning the brakes lock up and you can't start the car or put it in drive until you are at a full and complete stop. all the while praying that no one hits you. i know this because i've done it twice. but really, that's all totally beside the point. my point is, that's how i felt today. moving along, things are really, really good and then everything comes to a screeching halt. my world stopped. my heart pounded, i couldn't breathe.
i called the oncologists office and left a message.
within a few minutes the ever so patient pa called me and explained the oncologist's notes. she said they have been watching these spots for a while and though they are smaller than the last time, they aren't hugely concerned but want to get the stomach checked out. in addition to a million questions, i let her know this was the first we'd heard of the "spots."
she said, "sarah, don't worry until we tell you to worry." i said, so this isn't cancer? she said no, no one ever even mentioned cancer, matt is fine. nothing about matt's case is normal but it's gerd. i asked what gerd was and she said it's short for a reflux issue, perhaps acid reflux, he'll be referred out to a gastro…something or other…ologist and he'll have an upper endoscopy. there's nothing to worry about. i said he hasn't had a single symptom, she said that's ok. we're just being cautious.
i googled gerd, and according to webmd, matt has about 3 days, give or take. not really, but this is precisely why i haven't googled a single thing about his cancer. it's all so much to take in.
then i had a meltdown.
totally. completely. sobbing. a snotty, teary, gasping for air, 3 year old meltdown.
and then that still small voice reminded me to get my bible and re-read the truth He showed me today in the one year bible.
that still small voice said, do you trust me? do you remember what i have done?
do you know that i am God?
i re-read the verses and shared them with matt and the kids through my snot and tears.
micah 6:5 says,
"don't you remember my people. how king balak of moab tried to have you cursed. and how balaam son of beor blessed you instead? and remember your journey from acacia grove to gilgal, when I, the Lord, did everything I could to teach you about My faithfulness."
and verse 7:15-16a says,
"yes, says the Lord, i will do mighty miracles for you, like those i did when i rescued you from slavery in egypt. all the nations of the world will stand amazed at what the Lord will do for you."
i do trust my Lord. i do believe in His faithfulness. i know that i know that i know, whatever He decides is perfect and right.
and yet i so identify with the apostle paul in romans 7:15, "i don't really understand myself, for i want to do what is right, but i don't do it. instead i do what i hate."
and for me, that's losing sight of His promises. it's losing sight of all that He has done so far. it's losing sight that He walks with me no matter what He decides is perfect for my future.
