so it's been 27 days since cancer entered our home. i was never one to count days after an event but now i see that when something so significant happens, it's hard to ignore it. 28 days ago we had no idea what we were about to experience, good and bad. joyful and tearful. through it all, God has been faithful over and over. our prayer is that we will have a lot more days ahead of us post cancer than we do pre cancer. but only He knows.
people praying is the best thing ever. we've been prayed over and loved in abundance and we are incredibly thankful.
another one of the ways that the Lord has ministered to us is through the body of Christ. since day 1, we have not gone a single day - not one - without some sort of surprise reminding us that we don't take this journey alone. often times these things arrive before we even know that we need them and then when the need arises, it has already been met. twice taylor and i prayed for something very specific and told no one. within days there it was. more tears of thankfulness.
some days its a text or email.
a card in the mail.
a blender.
dinner.
gift cards.
the lawn being mowed.
cupcakes.
a book.
a cancer organizer.
flowers.
a notecard with a verse for our hope pile.
a letter.
a worship cd.
coffee.
a journal.
a mint plant (which i killed - sorry!)
magazines for chemo.
protein powder.
ginger root for nausea.
a blanket for chemo.
the list goes on and on.
every single thing we have received has brought me to tears. i have yet to have one whole tear free day, i won't give up though!
it's hard for us to receive. one of the many many lessons we are learning in this is that it's ok to accept help and gifts because the giver is as blessed to give as we are in receiving.
one day in the beginning a friend tried to do something for us and i said no, it's ok. i can take care of it and she looked at me and in her best mom voice, she said, "don't be a grace robber." did i cry? yes. (no shocker there!) and she went on to do that thing she knew we needed. by doing it ourselves we are robbing them the opportunity to be His hand and feet and show us grace.
over and over the Lord has ministered to those words to my heart when my knee jerk reaction is to say no, we are ok - when in my heart it's a lie. i'm not ok. i can't do that. i can't make dinner or drive the kids or run to the store or ... but because we are trained to be independent and do it ourselves, we in effect become grace robbers.
i now look forward to each new day because i know blessings are waiting. and each time we are blessed by something - anything - we look at each other and say, God is good.
Tuesday, September 24, 2013
Monday, September 23, 2013
cancershmancer - the will of God
this morning a friend and respected teacher of the Word
asked how we are doing. he said that when
people say,"He never gives us more than we can handle" it isn't
exactly the truth. sometimes He DOES give us more than we can
handle so that we depend on Him even more.
i think i had an ah-ha! moment. it made so much sense because guess what? i feel like this is indeed more than i can handle. i've even said, can't handle this. i'm over here Lord, tapping out. (that's some insight to my deep prayer life!)
because people have said this to me, and believe me, they have, and it feels like more than i can handle sometimes, i guess that means my faith lacks right? and i doubt so i must be an immature christian. because certainly… this is more than i can handle.
i think i had an ah-ha! moment. it made so much sense because guess what? i feel like this is indeed more than i can handle. i've even said, can't handle this. i'm over here Lord, tapping out. (that's some insight to my deep prayer life!)
because people have said this to me, and believe me, they have, and it feels like more than i can handle sometimes, i guess that means my faith lacks right? and i doubt so i must be an immature christian. because certainly… this is more than i can handle.
but then because of this, there’s desperate dependence. i can’t
handle it on my own, but with Him, i can handle it.
with Him, i can make it another day, i can make it another moment. when we cling to Him with everything, it’s then that we are able to continue.
with Him, i can make it another day, i can make it another moment. when we cling to Him with everything, it’s then that we are able to continue.
later in the day, another sweet friend of mine sent me a
text saying she is praying for us and then said when she thinks about us, she’s reminded of this, “the
will of God will never take you where the grace of God can’t keep you” she later
found the entire poem and sent it too.
the will of God
the will of God will never take you,
where the grace of God cannot keep you,
where the arms of God cannot support you,
where the riches of God cannot supply your needs,
where the power of God cannot endow you.
where the grace of God cannot keep you,
where the arms of God cannot support you,
where the riches of God cannot supply your needs,
where the power of God cannot endow you.
the will of God will never take you,
where the Spirit of God cannot work through you,
where the wisdom of God cannot teach you,
where the army of God cannot protect you,
where the hands of God cannot mold you.
where the Spirit of God cannot work through you,
where the wisdom of God cannot teach you,
where the army of God cannot protect you,
where the hands of God cannot mold you.
the will of God will never take you,
where the love of God cannot enfold you,
where the mercies of God cannot sustain you,
where the peace of God cannot calm your fears,
where the authority of God cannot overrule for you.
where the love of God cannot enfold you,
where the mercies of God cannot sustain you,
where the peace of God cannot calm your fears,
where the authority of God cannot overrule for you.
the will of God will never take you,
where the comfort of God cannot dry your tears,
where the Word of God cannot feed you,
where the miracles of God cannot be done for you,
where the omnipresence of God cannot find you
sigh...
amen?!
where the comfort of God cannot dry your tears,
where the Word of God cannot feed you,
where the miracles of God cannot be done for you,
where the omnipresence of God cannot find you
sigh...
amen?!
we know that the cancer in our home right now is the will of God. we
know this is the road He wants us to walk; it’s the journey He has called our
family to take. BUT we aren’t alone, He is with us every step because He’s a good
God like that.
these two friends, who have no idea about each other, are
two of many who have been used by the Lord to speak to my heart. neither, i’m sure,
had any idea of the impact they would make on my day and the perspective i now
have. i’m encouraged and challenged that when the Lord asks me to share with someone, may i be
willing to do it because it just might
make a difference and that word fitly spoken, as it says in proverbs 25:11 could be exactly what they need.
Friday, September 20, 2013
cancerschmancer - lift
taking a break from catching up and moving on to the here and now....for now.
today after dropping kids off at school, matt suggested we grab a cup of coffee at lift, they have their fall flavors he said. naturally, i thought that was a good idea. two of my favorite things ever are matt and coffee. and most of the time in exactly that order.
we headed into lift, the new local coffee establishment, known for it's amazing coffee, great staff, trendy look and really cool all around vibe. we ordered our coffee and pastries and the barista rang it up, smiled and then said it's taken care of. i'm sorry, what? he said again, it's been taken care of and has been for a long time. he smiled and went on to get our drinks.
we sat at one of the cool tables, we sipped and talked. and of course, like any lift regular, i snapped a picture and instagrammed it because that's what you do at lift.
we spent about two hours there, sitting, talking and once in a while saying hi and chatting with other customers that we recognized from harvest. lift reminds me of cheers, only without norm. it's a friendly, everybody knows everybody kind of place.
here's an excerpt from our conversation, (yes, it was a deep one!)
matt: how's your coffee?
me: good, it's sweet and very strong.
him: ah, just like me.
yes, matt, just like you.
as we were about to leave a woman walked by and smiled, i smiled back. everyone smiles there. she waved, so i waved. as matt and i were putting our cups away, she called my name. i didn't recognize her but i walked over. she introduced herself as the wife of someone we knew a few years back and said she heard about my husband and her family has been praying for us. she asked how we are doing. finally we hugged and as we parted ways, we both had tears in our eyes.
i thought about two particular things, the name lift is so perfect. i walked out completely "lifted." among many other people we saw, i got to meet a woman who has been holding our arms up in battle as aaron and hur did for moses.
another thing that came to mind is that someone, at some time, covered the cost of our drinks. it was done long ago they said, it's covered. it reminded me of salvation. our coffee, just like the price of our sins, was paid long ago. to us it's free and undeserved - the price was paid.
reminds me of the great casting crowns song, Glorious Day
"living he loved me, dying he saved me
buried He carried my sins far away
rising He justified freely forever
one day He's coming
oh glorious day"
the body of christ is magnificent.
ps - whoever it was that covered our coffee, thank you. once again, we are in awe and so very blessed.
today after dropping kids off at school, matt suggested we grab a cup of coffee at lift, they have their fall flavors he said. naturally, i thought that was a good idea. two of my favorite things ever are matt and coffee. and most of the time in exactly that order.
we headed into lift, the new local coffee establishment, known for it's amazing coffee, great staff, trendy look and really cool all around vibe. we ordered our coffee and pastries and the barista rang it up, smiled and then said it's taken care of. i'm sorry, what? he said again, it's been taken care of and has been for a long time. he smiled and went on to get our drinks.
we sat at one of the cool tables, we sipped and talked. and of course, like any lift regular, i snapped a picture and instagrammed it because that's what you do at lift.
we spent about two hours there, sitting, talking and once in a while saying hi and chatting with other customers that we recognized from harvest. lift reminds me of cheers, only without norm. it's a friendly, everybody knows everybody kind of place.
here's an excerpt from our conversation, (yes, it was a deep one!)
matt: how's your coffee?
me: good, it's sweet and very strong.
him: ah, just like me.
yes, matt, just like you.
as we were about to leave a woman walked by and smiled, i smiled back. everyone smiles there. she waved, so i waved. as matt and i were putting our cups away, she called my name. i didn't recognize her but i walked over. she introduced herself as the wife of someone we knew a few years back and said she heard about my husband and her family has been praying for us. she asked how we are doing. finally we hugged and as we parted ways, we both had tears in our eyes.
i thought about two particular things, the name lift is so perfect. i walked out completely "lifted." among many other people we saw, i got to meet a woman who has been holding our arms up in battle as aaron and hur did for moses.
another thing that came to mind is that someone, at some time, covered the cost of our drinks. it was done long ago they said, it's covered. it reminded me of salvation. our coffee, just like the price of our sins, was paid long ago. to us it's free and undeserved - the price was paid.
reminds me of the great casting crowns song, Glorious Day
"living he loved me, dying he saved me
buried He carried my sins far away
rising He justified freely forever
one day He's coming
oh glorious day"
the body of christ is magnificent.
ps - whoever it was that covered our coffee, thank you. once again, we are in awe and so very blessed.
cancerschmancer - the Word
through this process, the
Word has become so alive. during my quiet time, the application and practical
"do this" jumps out at me. maybe because i'm searching so much more
intently for minute by minute strength. however, i believe when you give Him
time, He speaks to your heart. with this journey before us, we want to focus on
his goodness and use it as an opportunity. we know that no matter the season or
size of the trial, the Word of God is living and true and brings breath and
life.
i'm going through the psalms
in my devotional time and recently i've begun learning to pray differently,
from the cry of my heart. not using words or phrases i think He wants to hear
from me, but from the deepest part of my being. those psalmists prayed in a way
i've never noticed before. the Word also brings strength for that day. it's so
alive.
two days after the
diagnosis, on august 30, i read psalm 69:13-16, and the verses 29 says,
"but i am poor and sorrowful;...i will praise the name of God with a
song." He wants us to worship Him.
the next day, psalm 70:5
says, "You are my help and my delivery; o Lord, do not delay."
on sept. 2, i was in psalm
73. verse 16-17 says, "when i thought how to understand this, it was too
painful for me - until i went into the sanctuary of God; then i understood
their end."
verse 21-28 continue with
things like, my heart was greived, i was vexed, foolish, ignorant, nevertheless
i am with You, you hold me, guide me and afterward receive me to Your
glory....my flesh and my heart fail; but God is the strength of my heart and my
portion forever...but it is good for me to draw near to God; i have put my
trust in the Lord God, that i may declare all Your works."
but some of my favorite
verses during my quiet time came from psalm 84, "for a day in Your courts
is better than a thousand." and then he says, "no good thing will He
withhold from those who walk uprightly." being with Him is the best thing
yet. His promises are true, they bring life.
there are so many great
truths, daily He speaks to my heart and gives me what i need for that day. we
need to be with Him daily to get a new filling.
i began reading streams in
the desert each morning in addition to reading my bible. here are a few
things He has spoken to my heart...
one in particular went so perfectly
with what i read in psalm 84 one morning, "no good thing will He withhold
from those who walk uprightly."
"He is the LORD; let
him do what is good in his eyes.
1 samuel 3:18
if i see God in everything,
He will calm and color everything i see! perhaps the circumstances causing my
sorrows will not be removed and my situation will remain the same, but if
Christ is brought into my grief and gloom as my Lord and Master, He will
"surround me with songs of deliverance" (Ps 32:7). to see Him and to
be sure that His wisdom and power never fail and His love never changes, to
know that even His most distressing dealings with me are for my deepest
spiritual gain, is to be able to say in the midst of bereavement, sorrow, pain,
and loss, The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away; may the name of the LORD
be praised. Job 1:21."
He knows what is best for
us and what a peace we have in knowing that no matter the outcome of any
situation or trial He walks us through, He is God and He's got this.
another
day, as i read in streams, i couldn't help but think that
cancer isn't the "cross" i would choose for us. but then again, i probably wouldn't choose any cross for us. but He knows best. we all have a
cross that is painful, heavy and uncomfortable, but as we lay them on our
shoulder, my hope is that through it, He'd draw us close to Him, and in time
we'd be of greater use to others.
and then i read this in
streams...
"if anyone would come
after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. mark 8:34
the cross that my Lord calls
me to carry may assume many different shapes. i may have to be content with
mundane tasks in a limited area of service, when i may believe my abilities are
suited for much greater work. i may be required to continually cultivate the
same field year after year, even though it yields no harvest whatsoever. i may
be asked of God to nurture kind and loving thoughts about the very person who
has wronged me and to speak gently to him, take his side when others oppose him,
and bestow sympathy and comfort to him. i may have to openly testify of my
Master before those who do not want to be reminded of Him or His claims. and i may be called to walk through this world with a bright, smiling face while my
heart is breaking.
yes, there are many crosses,
and every one of them is heavy and painful. And it is unlikely that I would
seek out even one of them on my own. yet Jesus is never as near to me as when i lift my cross, lay it submissively on my shoulder, and welcome it with a
patient and uncomplaining spirit.
He draws close to me in
order to mature my wisdom, deepen my peace, increase my courage, and supplement
my power. all this He does so that through the very experience that is so
painful and distressing to me, i will be of greater use to others."
as I read that day, i could
relate to the psalmist who said he was troubled, his spirit was overwhelmed, he
couldn't speak but as he meditated in his heart and searched, he saw the Lord
is favorable, merciful, gracious, and His promises don't fail. he remembered
the wonders of old, thought about all he knew to be true, declared His strength
among people.
His word is true. it's alive. it's the very breath we breathe.
Thursday, September 19, 2013
cancershmancer - oncologist visit
along the way, our dear friend jamie, clearly sent by God, joined us on our cancer journey.
jamie has walked this cancer road herself, her beloved jay had cancer. she learned the system. and she works at harvest in human resources so knows our insurance, as well as people who can help make things happen. she not only knows insurance, but she understands the referral process, doctors, medical language and cancer speak. i immediately called her and asked her to look up matt's kind of cancer and tell me what i need to know. i was afraid to look it up. there's too much information and i decided to be on a need to know basis. from that moment on, she has been a wealth of knowledge and walked every step with us through the medical process. she has attended doctor appointments with us and taken notes, asked questions and done the "what's next." this allows me to sit in the corner of the doctor's room and cry. something i'm getting to be pretty good at.
i recently added jamie to my list of favorites on my iphone because we were talking many times each day. when we are told a doctor will call us, she gives them about three hours and then she calls them. if any information is different that what we thought or what we expected, she calls them on it. we know the Lord brought her and though i'm sure this is difficult as it brings up memories from her time with jay, she hasn't let it slow her. she says He uses what we go through for His purpose and He doesn't waste tears. we thank God for jamie.
it was time for the first doctor appointment, it was tuesday, 6 days post diagnosis. my hands shook, my knees wanted to give out. i had my hope pile in one hand and matt's hand in the other. i remember walking in and sitting down in the corner chair, jamie had the chair closest to the doctor. our oncologist gave us hard to swallow news. she said a lot of things that i missed. again, thank God for jamie. what i do remember is that based on the type of cancer matt has and the symptoms he explained, it more than likely has traveled to his brain, in which case surgery would not be an option. i asked why. she said no surgeon in his right mind would open that up. i'm still not totally sure what she meant but i figured she knows stuff and she went to few years of school to have md behind her name - i would just trust her on this. she said she'd give us a second opinion but, she said, we don't have time. she wanted to start chemo and radiation immediately and meanwhile she'll refer us out because this cancer is very aggressive and very rare... remember the 1 in 100,000 - well she mentioned that as well. again, matt is one of the "lucky" ones. she ordered tests STAT and those took place over the next two days.
meanwhile, i sent an email to work informing the pastoral staff of the news and several (or all?) replied that they were praying. one of the pastors asked if they could anoint matt with oil soon. the next morning, before matt's tests started up, he stopped in at harvest. the weekly pastor meeting takes place on wednesdays - which "just so happened"to be the day he was having tests done. He is in this. matt went in and was prayed over by a group of incredibly Godly, passionate men. we felt the presence of the Lord. it's good that i was standing against the door because it held me up. after they prayed for matt, he went back to the medical center for two mri's, blood work and a pet scan. and jamie made call after call working on the second and third opinion and what our insurance needed to get this party started.
the pet scan left matt radio active so he had to stay three feet from people and small animals. the normally indoor cat was banished to the backyard to live for the rest of the day with the two dogs. somehow while she was out there, she fell into the pool and apparently cats don't like water. long hair siamese cats really don't like water nor the mats that result from taking a swim. she stood at the door looking oh so pathetic and eventually that resulted in having to shave her. we now have cali the lion. but that's another story.
that night, our oncologist called us and said she read all of the scans. the cancer is encapsulated to the nasal cavity. the pet scan was clear, the cancer was not in the brain. she also said the referral to the radiation oncologist went through as did the chemo referral. matt looked at me from across the kitchen and gave me the best news i'd heard in 8 days. he said he'd hug me but he was still radio active so we fist bumped instead.
the medical personnel might say it was caught early on, they told us worse case, it was misdiagnosed, whatever. others might think the Lord touched matt and removed it from the brain or from where it had spread. i have my theory and i choose to give God the glory in it. He could choose to heal matt completely but so far He hasn't.
we know that God is faithful, He is all knowing and this not a surprise to Him. in fact, it's part of His plan for our lives at this perfect time. As you can imagine, we are shaken to the core, but we are desperately dependent on Him and we believe that's exactly where He wants us.
we know that God is faithful, He is all knowing and this not a surprise to Him. in fact, it's part of His plan for our lives at this perfect time. As you can imagine, we are shaken to the core, but we are desperately dependent on Him and we believe that's exactly where He wants us.
cancerschmancer - the beginning
in the days that followed our news, i was often speechless. God's goodness was evident from the beginning. my heart was broken, my dreams shattered, or maybe just put on hold. my beloved of 20 years was sick and there was not a single thing i could do.
thursday, the day after the diagnosis we went for dinner and when we came home, the house was too quiet. i wasn't used to this. levi was on his bed reading, matt was resting in our room, taylor was in her room on her bed. i sat in the office at my computer listening to worship, trying to make sense of this. i felt like our family was being ripped apart. we didn't know what to do but i wasn't about to lose the kids in this. our house needed noise, it needed life. as i worshipped, the Lord ministered to my heart to write scripture down. create a "hope pile." so using index cards, i wanted to write down every verse people sent to us and hold on to them, when it seems hopeless, His word brings life. i went into taylor's room where she was sobbing and listening to "i still believe" by our friend, jeremy camp. she turned it up and we sat on her floor, arms up, teary eyes closed and worshipped together like never before. he sings after the death of his wife, who had cancer, "even when i can't see, i still believe." after that night, i banned jeremy from her room. however, it was one of the sweetest moments i've had with her in all of her life.
eventually we all made our way back to the office, more kleenex in hand and grabbed a pile of notecards. we wrote out verses and the names of the people who sent them. we ran out of cards and got more. matt and levi joined us and we all kept writing. bedtimes didn't seem as important as they had nights before. and you know, by the time we were done, none of us were crying. a peace had filled our hearts. we worshipped, we prayed together, finally we tucked the kids in and for the first time i thought, it's going to be ok. because HE had this. He knows the end from the beginning and this is not a surprise to Him.
one friend sent me phil 4:8 and reminded me to think on whatsoever things are true. she said, don't focus on the what if's or what you think might be happening inside matt's head. what do you know? he has cancer. do you know it has spread? no. do you know he has a short time left? no.
i was reminded to take every thought captive as it says in 2 cor 10:5. if a doubt or fear began to crowd out my mind, i'd think on His word. i'd pull a card out of the hope pile and refocus my mind. we did this for days and daily we add to our hope pile. every verse that has been sent to us or verse that has ministered to our hearts through our devotion time is in our hope pile.
on the cancer front, we had an appointment with the oncologist the following tuesday. we didn't know what she would say but we knew a very long, hard process was ahead of us. we were going to demand more tests, a second opinion and for crying out loud i was going to make her answer to why on earth the ENT would tell us this news over the phone. she wasn't part of that office but they were all in the same medical clinic, she was guilty by association. i was mad and ready to be the best advocate and i figured now that my phone autocorrected words like carcinoma, oncologist, neuroendocrine - i could do it. and then the Lord brought Jamie.
there was so much to learn. i remember talking to a group of friends - my mentors - on december 31. rather than make resolutions one said, let's make life changes. we decided to get healthier and we'd hold each other accountable. i said i wanted to learn to cook healthier for my family. i didn't even know what that meant. but when august 28 came and the cancer news hit our family. i knew i had to learn. i believe one of many things the Lord showed me was that i wasted 9 months and He wasn't going to let that go any longer - my feet were being held to the fire to the "life change" commitment i'd made way back then. the little i did know was that cancer feeds on sugar so as of that day, sugar was cut out of our diets and so was processed food. (can we say system shocker?!) i seriously didn't know what we'd eat. i thought we might just die but it wouldn't be from cancer, it would be starvation. i texted my very patient friends who gave me amazing advice. what i had in my favor was that matt still couldn't taste or smell so he'd eat anything. it was the kids and i that were going to die.
on the practical front, friends began to offer to help. we didn't know what we needed. but the Lord did. one friend came over with a vitamix blender and everything needed to make healthy shakes, i learned matt needed an abundance of vitamins and protein. another friend gave me books and a cooking lesson - which resulted in 2 dinners that i took home from her house. what i didn't know was that the body of Christ had come together and formed a dinner plan that began when those two dinners left off. another friend, himself a cancer survivor told matt to get as much vitamin c in his system at once. i figured if a man has beat cancer, we didn't care what he said, we'd do it. if he said stand on your head and wiggle your toes, heck, we'd do it. with the vitamin c, i was eager and i added a days worth into one shake. who knew it had to be ingested throughout the day? not this girl. it was bad. very bad. there was so much to learn but God provided someone for every need. He's good like that.
thursday, the day after the diagnosis we went for dinner and when we came home, the house was too quiet. i wasn't used to this. levi was on his bed reading, matt was resting in our room, taylor was in her room on her bed. i sat in the office at my computer listening to worship, trying to make sense of this. i felt like our family was being ripped apart. we didn't know what to do but i wasn't about to lose the kids in this. our house needed noise, it needed life. as i worshipped, the Lord ministered to my heart to write scripture down. create a "hope pile." so using index cards, i wanted to write down every verse people sent to us and hold on to them, when it seems hopeless, His word brings life. i went into taylor's room where she was sobbing and listening to "i still believe" by our friend, jeremy camp. she turned it up and we sat on her floor, arms up, teary eyes closed and worshipped together like never before. he sings after the death of his wife, who had cancer, "even when i can't see, i still believe." after that night, i banned jeremy from her room. however, it was one of the sweetest moments i've had with her in all of her life.
eventually we all made our way back to the office, more kleenex in hand and grabbed a pile of notecards. we wrote out verses and the names of the people who sent them. we ran out of cards and got more. matt and levi joined us and we all kept writing. bedtimes didn't seem as important as they had nights before. and you know, by the time we were done, none of us were crying. a peace had filled our hearts. we worshipped, we prayed together, finally we tucked the kids in and for the first time i thought, it's going to be ok. because HE had this. He knows the end from the beginning and this is not a surprise to Him.
one friend sent me phil 4:8 and reminded me to think on whatsoever things are true. she said, don't focus on the what if's or what you think might be happening inside matt's head. what do you know? he has cancer. do you know it has spread? no. do you know he has a short time left? no.
i was reminded to take every thought captive as it says in 2 cor 10:5. if a doubt or fear began to crowd out my mind, i'd think on His word. i'd pull a card out of the hope pile and refocus my mind. we did this for days and daily we add to our hope pile. every verse that has been sent to us or verse that has ministered to our hearts through our devotion time is in our hope pile.
on the cancer front, we had an appointment with the oncologist the following tuesday. we didn't know what she would say but we knew a very long, hard process was ahead of us. we were going to demand more tests, a second opinion and for crying out loud i was going to make her answer to why on earth the ENT would tell us this news over the phone. she wasn't part of that office but they were all in the same medical clinic, she was guilty by association. i was mad and ready to be the best advocate and i figured now that my phone autocorrected words like carcinoma, oncologist, neuroendocrine - i could do it. and then the Lord brought Jamie.
there was so much to learn. i remember talking to a group of friends - my mentors - on december 31. rather than make resolutions one said, let's make life changes. we decided to get healthier and we'd hold each other accountable. i said i wanted to learn to cook healthier for my family. i didn't even know what that meant. but when august 28 came and the cancer news hit our family. i knew i had to learn. i believe one of many things the Lord showed me was that i wasted 9 months and He wasn't going to let that go any longer - my feet were being held to the fire to the "life change" commitment i'd made way back then. the little i did know was that cancer feeds on sugar so as of that day, sugar was cut out of our diets and so was processed food. (can we say system shocker?!) i seriously didn't know what we'd eat. i thought we might just die but it wouldn't be from cancer, it would be starvation. i texted my very patient friends who gave me amazing advice. what i had in my favor was that matt still couldn't taste or smell so he'd eat anything. it was the kids and i that were going to die.
on the practical front, friends began to offer to help. we didn't know what we needed. but the Lord did. one friend came over with a vitamix blender and everything needed to make healthy shakes, i learned matt needed an abundance of vitamins and protein. another friend gave me books and a cooking lesson - which resulted in 2 dinners that i took home from her house. what i didn't know was that the body of Christ had come together and formed a dinner plan that began when those two dinners left off. another friend, himself a cancer survivor told matt to get as much vitamin c in his system at once. i figured if a man has beat cancer, we didn't care what he said, we'd do it. if he said stand on your head and wiggle your toes, heck, we'd do it. with the vitamin c, i was eager and i added a days worth into one shake. who knew it had to be ingested throughout the day? not this girl. it was bad. very bad. there was so much to learn but God provided someone for every need. He's good like that.
cancerschmancer - the discovery
disclaimer: i've been told by many people to write this down. it's something i won't want to forget, they said. its something they wished they'd have done when they walked this road.
i'm getting behind, there are so many details, i'm overwhelmed with His goodness and no, i don't want to forget anything - so here goes...
where to begin...
3 weeks and 1 day ago, our lives changed forever.
cancer.
our home had been hit.
it began back in march or april. we were training for a half marathon and matt couldn't breathe through his nose. that's kind of important when you are running miles upon miles. but several times he had to quit mid run because his nose was stuffed up. after several visits to the doctor and urgent care and getting rounds of antibiotics, nasal sprays, steroids, cold meds, he finally got a referral to an ENT.
it was 5 weeks ago today that we saw an ENT who saw a "mass" with his naked eye. "ohhhh" was what he said. "what does that mean?" "i'd rather show you than tell you, get your camera phone out, you'll want to record this..." so i did. when he put his scope up matt's nose, we saw a very large mass. while the phone was recording, we heard him point out what we were looking at (though it was incredibly obvious) and he said, "that. right there. oh it's not cancer or anything. just a mass, a polyp" it was at that point, that matt went white. since we were there, he decided to biopsy it, you know, just to rule anything out. and meanwhile he scheduled surgery to get that thing out because no matter what it was, because it was so large it needed to be removed, but nasal cancer is so rare he said, only 1 in 100,000 people get it.
perhaps matt should play the lottery because guess what? he is just that lucky.
fast forward to august 28. the ENT called matt, yes called him, to let him know they cancelled surgery and wanted him to call an oncologist. the results showed he had "neuroendocrine poorly differentiated carcinoma." he wrote it down, then googled it to be sure he spelled it correctly and emailed me. yes, emailed me. he later said he couldn't talk and knew i needed to know.
wednesday, august 28, it was the day our world was rocked. no matter what happened from here on out, that day will be locked in my mind forever. it defines life before cancer and life after cancer.
after going through an entire box of kleenex, many hugs, people praying, my phone and inbox blowing up with love, i knew we didn't walk this road alone.
i called the kids and told them to shut their phones off until i saw them, i wanted them to hear it from us.
levi rode his bike to harvest as he does every wednesday. i met him outside and hugged him. taking a lesson from Max Lucado's message "You'll get through this" from 3 days earlier, i asked levi to tell me truths he knew about God. i asked him to tell them to me out loud. i started, God is faithful; He is loving; He is all knowing; levi said, He is in control, He never leaves us... i told him that what I was about to tell him would be the hardest thing ever but we need to remember these truths. he said, it's dad. i said yes, he got his biopsy results. levi, my unemotional one, looked me in the eyes, his eyes welled up and he started to sway. i grabbed him, pled for him to stay with me, i needed him, he needed to remember God's goodness and no matter what, His faith couldn't be shaken - he could never doubt God's will....i know there is more, but i can't continue because it breaks my heart to go there. we hugged for a while, we prayed and finally he went up to jr. high to set up the room for church.
next i went home. i had a 14 year old dying to get back to her phone. i went through the same process of conversation with taylor. she gave a great list of attributes of God, He is perfect, He gives us grace, He loves us more than we can imange... and then i told her, she broke down in uncontrollable sobs and said over and over, why my daddy, why does it have to be my daddy. my answer was i don't know but He saw it perfect to allow our family to go through this. it's His will. i told her the same thing, through this, she can cry, she can get angry, but she must never doubt God's will because it's perfect and her faith can't be shaken. we sat for a long time and cried together. she's been my tear buddy through this process. we prayed and then matt came home.
matt didn't feel good. his headaches were getting worse, his eyes were having bouts of blurriness, he had no sense of taste nor smell and he was exhausted. in our minds, the news we received just 9 hours earlier seemed to be getting worse. the cancer must be growing - because why in the world would he all of the sudden have all of these major symptoms. he'd had them all along, but now that we KNEW it was cancer, they seemed to be getting worse.
after talking and crying some more, he suggested we go to church that night - i remember saying yes, we need to; and he said, yes, because we WANT to, he's always been spiritual that way. my eyes were puffy, my nose was red, the make up i'd applied that morning had long since been wiped off with kleenex meant to wipe away only tears.
i remember three things about church that night.
i remember the worship, it was amazing. i, of course, cried through all of it, but from my heart i sang to my GOD and cried out to him. "one thing" was a song we sang twice that night, it's been my cancer anthem. one thing remains - your love never fails, it never gives up, it never runs out on me.
another thing i remember is that i looked at my beloved and he began to write notes during the message. i noticed at the top of his page, he wrote, 8/28 as the date and i thought romans 8:28 - He works ALL things together for good for those who love Him and are called according to His purpose. my mind was in a fog, but this i knew, we love him and we are called according to His purpose so that means, He'll work this together for good.
and lastly i remember that we were prayed for and hugged over and over.
going to church reminded me we are not in this alone. we have the body of Christ, we have Him and we trusted He was going to use this.
i'm getting behind, there are so many details, i'm overwhelmed with His goodness and no, i don't want to forget anything - so here goes...
where to begin...
3 weeks and 1 day ago, our lives changed forever.
cancer.
our home had been hit.
it began back in march or april. we were training for a half marathon and matt couldn't breathe through his nose. that's kind of important when you are running miles upon miles. but several times he had to quit mid run because his nose was stuffed up. after several visits to the doctor and urgent care and getting rounds of antibiotics, nasal sprays, steroids, cold meds, he finally got a referral to an ENT.
it was 5 weeks ago today that we saw an ENT who saw a "mass" with his naked eye. "ohhhh" was what he said. "what does that mean?" "i'd rather show you than tell you, get your camera phone out, you'll want to record this..." so i did. when he put his scope up matt's nose, we saw a very large mass. while the phone was recording, we heard him point out what we were looking at (though it was incredibly obvious) and he said, "that. right there. oh it's not cancer or anything. just a mass, a polyp" it was at that point, that matt went white. since we were there, he decided to biopsy it, you know, just to rule anything out. and meanwhile he scheduled surgery to get that thing out because no matter what it was, because it was so large it needed to be removed, but nasal cancer is so rare he said, only 1 in 100,000 people get it.
perhaps matt should play the lottery because guess what? he is just that lucky.
fast forward to august 28. the ENT called matt, yes called him, to let him know they cancelled surgery and wanted him to call an oncologist. the results showed he had "neuroendocrine poorly differentiated carcinoma." he wrote it down, then googled it to be sure he spelled it correctly and emailed me. yes, emailed me. he later said he couldn't talk and knew i needed to know.
wednesday, august 28, it was the day our world was rocked. no matter what happened from here on out, that day will be locked in my mind forever. it defines life before cancer and life after cancer.
after going through an entire box of kleenex, many hugs, people praying, my phone and inbox blowing up with love, i knew we didn't walk this road alone.
i called the kids and told them to shut their phones off until i saw them, i wanted them to hear it from us.
levi rode his bike to harvest as he does every wednesday. i met him outside and hugged him. taking a lesson from Max Lucado's message "You'll get through this" from 3 days earlier, i asked levi to tell me truths he knew about God. i asked him to tell them to me out loud. i started, God is faithful; He is loving; He is all knowing; levi said, He is in control, He never leaves us... i told him that what I was about to tell him would be the hardest thing ever but we need to remember these truths. he said, it's dad. i said yes, he got his biopsy results. levi, my unemotional one, looked me in the eyes, his eyes welled up and he started to sway. i grabbed him, pled for him to stay with me, i needed him, he needed to remember God's goodness and no matter what, His faith couldn't be shaken - he could never doubt God's will....i know there is more, but i can't continue because it breaks my heart to go there. we hugged for a while, we prayed and finally he went up to jr. high to set up the room for church.
next i went home. i had a 14 year old dying to get back to her phone. i went through the same process of conversation with taylor. she gave a great list of attributes of God, He is perfect, He gives us grace, He loves us more than we can imange... and then i told her, she broke down in uncontrollable sobs and said over and over, why my daddy, why does it have to be my daddy. my answer was i don't know but He saw it perfect to allow our family to go through this. it's His will. i told her the same thing, through this, she can cry, she can get angry, but she must never doubt God's will because it's perfect and her faith can't be shaken. we sat for a long time and cried together. she's been my tear buddy through this process. we prayed and then matt came home.
matt didn't feel good. his headaches were getting worse, his eyes were having bouts of blurriness, he had no sense of taste nor smell and he was exhausted. in our minds, the news we received just 9 hours earlier seemed to be getting worse. the cancer must be growing - because why in the world would he all of the sudden have all of these major symptoms. he'd had them all along, but now that we KNEW it was cancer, they seemed to be getting worse.
after talking and crying some more, he suggested we go to church that night - i remember saying yes, we need to; and he said, yes, because we WANT to, he's always been spiritual that way. my eyes were puffy, my nose was red, the make up i'd applied that morning had long since been wiped off with kleenex meant to wipe away only tears.
i remember three things about church that night.
i remember the worship, it was amazing. i, of course, cried through all of it, but from my heart i sang to my GOD and cried out to him. "one thing" was a song we sang twice that night, it's been my cancer anthem. one thing remains - your love never fails, it never gives up, it never runs out on me.
another thing i remember is that i looked at my beloved and he began to write notes during the message. i noticed at the top of his page, he wrote, 8/28 as the date and i thought romans 8:28 - He works ALL things together for good for those who love Him and are called according to His purpose. my mind was in a fog, but this i knew, we love him and we are called according to His purpose so that means, He'll work this together for good.
and lastly i remember that we were prayed for and hugged over and over.
going to church reminded me we are not in this alone. we have the body of Christ, we have Him and we trusted He was going to use this.
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