cancerschmancer - faith

this morning i woke up with a burdened heart. i stand in faith, i walk by faith. but having faith is hard. faith is believing without seeing. faith is trusting without knowing.

i know the Lord is going to heal matt, but will it be here or in heaven? i know He'll take to take care of our needs, but will He do it the way i think they need to be met or will He refine me in this way?

i don't doubt God, but my faith isn't where He wants it. yet.

from my one year Bible devotion:

"Some time later, God tested Abraham’s faith. “Abraham!” God called. “Yes, Here I am.” Genesis 22:1

There is a kind of doubt that is never advisable—doubting God and his clear promises. Entertaining such doubts can wreak havoc in our lives, sapping the energy and confidence God wants to give us. Still, most of us go through times when we find it hard to believe. Even Abraham, the father of our faith, had seasons of doubt. Abraham laughs in disbelief. He lies about his wife, placing her in jeopardy to save his skin. He sleeps with his wife’s servant because he wants to father a child at any cost. He gets a lot wrong.

But he gets one thing right: He just keeps going. . . . Even when he doesn’t fully understand, Abraham obeys God.

And that’s the key. Even when we doubt, we need to obey God. That’s the only way to become who God calls us to be. Having courage doesn’t mean we have no fear. It just means we move beyond it. Similarly, having faith doesn’t mean we are free from doubt; it just means we do what God wants us to do in the face of those doubts."

today, like abraham, i'll laugh. i'll keep going. i'll press on. i'll obey. and in doing so, i'll grow in my faith.

but then, isn't that what He desires from us all of the time?

cancerschmancer - you'll get through this

my heart is troubled.
my hands shake.
my knees are weak.
my mind is cluttered.
my heart is overwhelmed.

the Word of God goes through my mind. it's true. it's living. it breathes life and give strength.

take every thought captive.
think on whatsoever things are true.
lead me to the rock that is higher than I.
You work all things together for good.
He who began a good work will complete it.
I will never leave you nor forsake you.
I love you with an everlasting love.
I will refresh the weary and satisfy the faint.
He is the Lord, let Him do what is right in His eyes.
You alone are God.
You do great and mighty things.
remember the marvelous works which He has done.

today the tumor board will review the case.
they want to meet my beloved before they look over the files and discuss the case.
we'll leave while they talk about us.
then they'll ask us back in and tell us their recommendation.

"you'll get through this.
it won't be painless.
it won't be quick.
but God will use this mess for good.
don't be foolish or naive.
but don't despair either.
with God's help, you'll get through this." ~ max lucado

cancerschmancer - meet the surgeon

october 18 - 8:30am
dr. armstrong - uci surgeon
pavilion 2; 1st floor

that was the appointment on my calendar.

at 6:30am, jamie, matt and i hit the freeway and headed to orange county. we had plenty of time and even stopped for breakfast. the 91 didn't hate us. the day was already looking up.

when we got to the surgeons office, we people watched, we listened and we laughed. we decided to play, "what will the doctor say - loser buys lunch" while we sat in the waiting room.

eventually we made it into the exam room and played "what is that utensil for and where will they use it on matt" to pass the time while we waited. again, we guessed and laughed.

eventually we were met by the resident and matt answered the same 50 or so questions he's been asked by every other doctor and specialist we've met. we once again were told that they are still learning about this rare and aggressive cancer and then they peppered him with more questions. he went the funny route with his answers. she must have left her sense of humor at home that morning. no big deal. it's not like we were there for brain surgery... so i thought.

then dr. armstrong came in. he was very knowledgable. we asked how many of these cases he sees.
1-2 per year. yep, it's rare. remember matt has that only 1 in 100,000 cancer.

i got lost when he said for surgery, he'd "lift the hood" or maybe it was much earlier, which may be why he used that term with me. (see below, it's the first surgery option that the surgeon describes.)

and after the appointment, jamie wrote this summary...


Today we saw the surgeon at UCI. Dr. William Armstrong comes highly recommended by Matt's oncologist, as well as the oncologist at City of Hope. Dr. Armstrong sees 1-2 patients with poorly differentiated neuroendocrine carcinoma per year. His success rate with the very "rare and aggressive" form of cancer has been dependent upon the age of the patient, and also their willingness to allow him to be as aggressive as necessary in order to get them to be surgically cancer-free. If he has to take an eye...he wants to be able to take an eye and the patient needs to be willing. Yes, he was that matter-of-fact. But he said that Matt is otherwise healthy and he is young so the odds are more in his favor that he can withstand an aggressive form of surgery if that's what is called for in his case.

The surgeon reviewed the information we had, scans, reports, documentation etc. but before reviewing everything, he started the conversation by stating that, based on what he read in the initial pathology, the cancer appeared to be moving toward the brain and the eye. BUT upon further review of information, physical examination of Matt, asking a bunch of questions, and looking more closely at the original MRIs of the head, he recognized that the tumor appeared to just be only in the nasal cavity. What he indicated was that it is "localized" (just in the nasal cavity) but what we didn't know about this specific form of tumor is that even though it may look encapsulated (all in a nice little shell) it actually does have "feelers" (little branches that reach out beyond the wall of the tumor) that will try to infiltrate other areas and spread so he said it is crucial to perform surgery in the near future. He wants to wait until Matt has completely finished treatments. Matt has one more chemotherapy session on Monday and then approximately 2-3 weeks remaining of radiation. Matt will need to be finished with treatments for approximately 3 weeks before surgery can happen. So we are looking at the possibility of surgery in the first part of December if all goes according to plan...trusting first and foremost the LORD'S plan above all else.

The surgery was described in a couple ways. The worst of which was that there would be a neurosurgeon involved and he would actually do an incision from ear to ear going up and over the forehead, remove the frontal lobe (forehead bone) and pull down the face and get to the tumor from the top. (sorry for the graphic detail) And then at the same time that the neurosurgeon is doing that, Dr. Armstrong would go in by cutting the inside-upper lip and pull up and go through the nasal cavity that way. Dr. Armstrong said that his objective will be to save Matt's eye by removing the remaining cancer and keeping it away from his optic nerves that are currently being threatened by the tumor. This type of surgery would also require reconstructive surgery at some point for Matt as well. Another surgery described was to just go in endoscopically through the nostril to remove the remaining tumor and obtain clean margins that way. Well, for obvious reasons, we are praying that endoscopically is the way to go. The recovery time for the endoscopic method is a matter of days or a couple of weeks. The more invasive way would have him in the hospital for about a week, with the first few days being in ICU. More time in the hospital is not what a cancer patient wants or needs, and being off work is also concern, so we are praying that the Lord would deliver Matt fully of the cancer and a drastically invasive surgery is not necessary. Please join us in prayer for that.

Matt will begin receiving a very precise form of radiation called "CyberKnife" today. (It really is not as violent and scary as the name sounds.) Cyberknife is a very precise form of pain-free radiation that will pinpoint a specific spot and only radiate that spot without reaching other healthier tissue that doesn't need radiation, or already very radiated tissue that cannot withstand further radiation therapy. Matt's tumor, based on the last MRI, had decreased in size by half! And since then even more of the tumor has exited his body. So it is even smaller still. Praise the Lord! The Cyberknife will help to kill even more of the tumor and prayerfully, by the time he gets his surgery there will be little to no tumor left to be removed! That is our prayer.

So at this point, the next thing happening is Matt has an MRI scheduled for today to measure the tumor size as it is right now. That information will be sent to UCI and then next Friday
there will be a tumor board meeting to specifically introduce Matt's cancer and all of the test results to the team of medical oncologists, radiology oncologists and surgical oncologists, as well as the neurosurgeon and they will discuss the best form of surgery and treatment for Matt's tumor. We will be heading back to UCI next Friday to receive the results of that tumor board meeting and what the recommendation is. If surgery is what the recommendation is, and we believe it will be, then authorization for surgery will be requested and then scheduled from there.



we continue to trust Him.

He doesn't bring us to this point and then abandon us.

matthew 6:26 says, look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. are you not much more valuable then they?

and to that i would say, yes. yes we are.

cancerschmancer - faithfulness and watermelon

as we drove home from our appointment at uci today, my mind was all over the place.

matt turned on the radio and jeremy camp's, "walk by faith" was on.
of course, that brought more tears.

after my devotion from the other day from psalm 119, there's not a doubt in my mind that He wants me to do just that. walk by faith

step 1: walk by faith

cancer and my type a personality can not co-exist. it just doesn't work.

immediately after the song was over my mind went back to thinking about the surgery part of what the doctor told us.

this is why the Word of God says to take every thought captive and to practically do that, i must fill my mind and keep filling it with what i want to occupy it.

step 2: fill the mind

and when the song was over, my thoughts took over again.
thoughts - 1; sarah - 0

here's what went through my mind:
when its time for surgery, (and we don't know when they will do it yet...)
who is going to help us with the kids?
will it be in december or was that just a maybe because we pushed for a ballpark?
what method of surgery will they do?
do you know how busy december is for people? (cancer by the way, knows no time!)
how are we going to prepare for christmas?
how long will matt be off work?
how long will i be off work?
will i be able to shop, wrap and do christmas like we normally do?
who will stay with the kids while i'm at uci with matt?
*i'm not asking for help, just sharing what went through my mind*

then i thought, ok, so if in fact surgery comes around christmas, we'll actually focus on the REAL meaning rather than the commercialized meaning and that's ok, in fact it's perfect and it's the way HE intended for us to celebrate. we have much to rejoice over. we'll celebrate the One who gives us life.
ok, i can do that.

step 3: rejoice

then matt and jamie reminded me as i verbalized all of my concerns, HE is faithful and has been faithful thus far.

in my quiet time i've been reading through the psalms. about a week ago i read chapters 104-107 and was reminded of all of the things He did. He proved His faithfulness and the works of His hands over and over. hasn't He done great things so far? why have i so quickly let those things leave my mind?

step 4: remember that which He has done in the past 52 days.

finally i visualized the watermelons we had on our kitchen table. if you remember, i posted about matt's watermelon craving last week and over the course of three days, we had 11 - yes 11 watermelons brought to us. some were handed to us and some were anonymously delivered to our porch. i purposefully didn't share that at the time because i didn't want anyone to think that their idea was not original or maybe they weren't appreciated since we did get a few. but let me tell you, every single watermelon was appreciated because we knew matt was being thought of, loved on and prayed for. and our family was experiencing Jesus through this. and we have 3 left, matt can't eat it fast enough so if you brought one (or more!) thank you!!!

matt had a small desire and we see how it was provided for exceedingly abundantly. i'm reminded that HE cares for every detail. He doesn't provide us with watermelon but leave us when we really need Him for the "big" stuff.

so for those of you who were obedient - you might have looked at it as watermelon.
i look at it as faithfulness and complete provision.

step 5: thank and trust Him



ps - for those of you who were looking for the cancer pictures or the uci update, hang tight they are coming.

pss - we've been so blessed with dinners, and recently my brother set up a meal planning website, if you are interested in helping with that, click here: meal train and thank you! we are so thankful...because we're all going to cry the day i start cooking again.

cancerschmancer - update - a long update

it's been a while since i've written a complete update, so here's the latest.
seems nothing has changed.
yet everything has changed.
my mind and emotions are all over the map. thank God He is steadfast

a few weeks ago matt went to city of hope for another opinion. though we can't get treatment there, we were curious what they thought. they agreed it's rare and it's aggressive. they also confirmed everything that riverside medical is doing. they had their tumor board review matt's case and agreed we are on the right track. they also said the tumor is up against the orbital bone but it isn't eroding it. that was a huge surprise and answer to prayer. we've since found out from them that there is no "standard of care" for this cancer. i'm still not sure how to even respond to that. ok, so what do we do now?

then, per our request for a referral out, we went to uci. jamie, our cancer liaison and friend went with us. she asked a lot of questions. later we discuss everything, prayed, and decided to stay the course. we will stick with getting treatment at riverside medical. we didn't like a lot of what that oncologist at uci said and her opinion and thoughts on treatment conflicted what we had previously heard. the uci oncologist has seen 6 or 7 patients; coh has seen about 10 and rmc has seen 3. so we figured no on really has much experience but if coh and rmc have seen twice the number, we'll stick with where we are. plus we really like our oncologist at riverside medical. having said that, our surgeon is from uci and has coming highly recommended from both rmc and coh and we understand he has experience doing surgery with this cancer in this location. we don't know how many cases he has seen. (i say i'm experienced in running half marathons, i've run 3.) lets hope when he says he has experience, he isn't using the word like i do. but then again, this is rare right? sigh...

last friday, matt had two mris and monday we got the call that the tumor was half of its original size, it was the size of a lime. now he has half a lime? ok, maybe more like a walnut? anyway, that was amazing news, we rejoiced, we cried, we thanked God.

and that changes things again.

with that news, the radiation oncologist, who, have i mentioned looks like kramer? he's tall, thin and has wild hair...i told matt i expect him to slide into the room and say, jerry!!! but back to the point...he is changing the radiation method. he's happy with the shrinkage but the tumor is still near the optic nerve so he wants to use a different type of radiation so he doesn't damage the nerve. he is also being more specific with how he hits the tumor. he said the more radiation, the more risk of damage. he told matt that there are about 14 more scheduled treatments but i suppose that will depend on surgery? (more on that below) the radiation mask is a bit more loose and they asked if matt is losing weight...he said it's just that his hair is gone now but if they want him to go grab his toupee, he's happy to do that. they laughed.

the chemo cocktail is also changing because matt is having increasingly more ringing in his hears and they are concerned it could become permanent if he continues with the same chemo treatment. he has an appointment on monday to check his hearing. perhaps they can also check the selective hearing that comes with being married almost 20 years? wait, did i just say that?

the oncologist also said that there's a chance that when we see the surgeon at uci on the 18th, he could schedule surgery sooner rather than later and chemo (scheduled for the 21st) could be cancelled. they want to do surgery soon so they can stop the radiation. matt will still have more chemo after surgery, we don't know how much or which method (oral or iv) but we're told he'll have a few rounds. we think that surgery will be through the nose rather than cutting but that will also be confirmed the 18th.

matt still has thrush, he's on meds and has lost a few pounds. they are concerned with the weight loss and want him to bulk up. he can't afford to lose much weight. he's already lost 6 lbs in a week but he had chemo and with the painful sores, it's understandable, just not ideal. because of the thrush, he craves watermelon. and watermelon is pretty much out of season. when he sees one (and usually there's only one!) at the store, he runs to it and grabs it. so if you are eyeing it and matt is around, act fast or you are out of luck. you've been warned.

so how are we doing? the kids are both doing ok. just ok. they are struggling at school. it's an adjustment, new programs, new schools, and new things going on at home. their minds are easily distracted. they are both talking more to us about the cancer and what they see God doing in it. they pray daily for daddy to be healed. they pray for opportunities to share Jesus because of the cancer. and they pray that no matter what He decides to do in this, heal daddy here on earth or in heaven, He would be glorified. tonight taylor prayed over dinner and said, "Lord, we'll praise You in the storm." (another reason for my tears.)

and how am i?
i'm tired. i'm weary. i'm emotionally drained. we live a busy life with work, church and lots of activities going on, it's natural to feel this way. people continue to bless us. i've cooked dinner once; my house has been cleaned; the lawn is kept up; friends run errands for us and get the kids where they need to be. the doctor appointments; phone calls, homework with the kids, etc. wear me out. it's emotional. i've made it one day with out crying and it's been 44 days. i don't cry all day every day; it's just that something each day gets me. usually an unexpected blessing, but sometimes it's just a lot. the highs are high and the lows are low. i didn't expect matt's bald head to be hard for me but it is. harder than i thought. it's a visible reminder that cancer is in our home. when i see him, i see cancer. the Lord is showing me areas where i am weak and i need to rely on Him in all things.

my role right now is to help the kids and matt get through this. as much as i tell matt that we can make this somehow about me, it's not. (gasp!) the Lord called me to be his helpmate and i want to be the best helpmate i can and honor Him in it.
because it's good for all of us, i reluctantly do things for me. and i work. and i go to women's bible study each week. i'll be ok. He is our strength. we draw from Him daily.

this is a long, hard road - it's not a road i'd detour from if i had the choice because what He is doing is far better than we could have expected or anticipated. (i used to think only crazy people said that!)
we don't have an end in sight. it could be six months; it could be a year; could be more; could be less; we have no idea. but then we aren't promised tomorrow are we? so we try to live intentionally, we make the most of each day. we hug tighter, we say i love you more often, and we laugh harder and more frequently.

we still add to our hope pile daily, His word brings life. it gives strength when we have none left.

again, He is so good.

so that's the update, if you are still reading, you deserve an ice cream.

cancerschmancer - let's eat

as i've mentioned, our family, friends, and the body of Christ have come up along side us through this process. needs have been met, most of these needs are met even before we even know that we have a need.

that's just how good God is. we are often in awe because of the goodness and love He shows us.

every day i am excited to see what He is going to do that day because i know something will happen that is totally unexpected - it's happened every day for the past 39 days.

every day since cancer entered our home.

i hesitate to mention or publicly thank people by name for a few reasons.
first, their reward is in heaven. i believe people are coming along side of us because He has placed it on their hearts, not because they want a public thank you.
second, we are blessed with a lot of people doing things for us - some we know of; others we will never know on this side of heaven. (by the way, anonymous things both bless me and drive me crazy, i want to know who was here!! yet, my heart is full every time!)
third, there are too many people to mention and i don't want to miss anyone.
fourth, many people are praying. some wake up at 3am to pray and some even stay up all night to pray,  and there are people we don't know who have heard of my beloved and they are praying. all of the prayer is invaluable.

finally, the reward is in heaven.

having said that, there is one thing.
one very big thing.

dinner.

in the very beginning, a friend came to me and said dinners have been set up through the next month. past tense. as in it was already done and there was no need in arguing.
i didn't realize at that moment what a huge blessing that would be.


with cancer comes changes.
one immediate, specific change we made was eating.
sugar feeds cancer so that was cut out right away. matt needs nutrition, vitamins, and whole foods. what he eats, needs to count, especially because he doesn't always feel like eating and weight loss and dehydration, we've learned, are a huge risk.

anyone who knows me knows i am not the best cook. i do pride myself in being the processed food queen. but then who doesn't feed their family things that are quick, easy and convenient?
it's 2013. we're busy. we eat on the go.

this eating right thing is all new to me.

we started shopping at trader joes and in that tiny little store, i'll admit, i was lost. it's a good thing that people are bringing dinner because if it was up to me, we'd all die. but not from cancer, it would be starvation that would kill us.

the obvious reason it was a blessing to have dinners brought to us was so i wouldn't have to prepare dinner. (duh, right?) it helps us with time. suddenly our lives have become very busy with phone calls, doctor appointments, various treatments, church, working, running kids everywhere and the list goes on and on.

what i didn't realize that the mental part of dinner was also removed. i no longer had to think about what to make. or if i had everything on hand. not to mention, wondering if is it even good for matt to eat.

another huge blessing is that i'm learning that we can eat healthy using "normal" foods that we love. it just doesn't have to be fried or paired with something unhealthy on the side. this has been an amazing eye opening experience.

we are thankful.

i've noticed that the smoke alarm hasn't encouraged me with the jarrett anthem in 39 days!

and just yesterday at the table, we were eating dinner that had just been brought over and the conversation went like this:

taylor: this is so good mom!
me: yes it is. i think i'm going to cry the day i have to start cooking again.
levi: me too mom, me too.
me: ................


*as a side note, i've since been told that we won't cook until this thing is over. i only know who is organizing this but i'm not sure who has been contacted or who has offered to bring us dinner, but if you are part of this, thank you from the bottom of our very full hearts.
meal train for the jarretts

once again, God is so good.

cancerschmancer - one of those days

today was a rough day, they happen. they have happened and they will happen. we're human. we laugh. we cry. we deal. i'm going on too many days with too little sleep and having too many emotions. today is just one of those days.

today we went to our new oncologist, she has a long name that i can't pronounce. she is a specialist at uci, she only sees the hard cases, she never has a "normal" cancer come through her office.
she confirmed what we already knew. this is rare. this is aggressive. she has only seen 6 or 7 patients with this kind of cancer. the problem is that this is a rare place for cancer and rare type of cancer. we have the best (or worst?) of both worlds since matt has this rare cancer in this rare place. again, 1 in 100,000. i told him he's taking one for the team since no one else we will ever know will get this cancer, in this place.

the new oncologist asked many questions that seemed irrelevant but obviously had a purpose in her mind. as it turns out, they are researching this cancer in this place. it is not hereditary so our kids are safe from it, it's more environmental and is found primarily in asians - in fact i believe she's only seen it in asians. matt told her that explains it as he loves chinese food. she smirked, i'm not sure she laughed, but he did and that's what matters.

for treatment, she said would have chosen a more aggressive treatment, a cocktail of chemo but she said since what we are in the middle of a plan, it's best to continue on. once we finish this course of treatment, we can start going to her. for now, she'll send our biopsy in for further testing to see if they can identify mutated genes and hit those specifically with the next round of chemo. until then, we continue with the current chemo, radiation and we'll go back to see her early november. she isn't sure when (or if) surgery will happen. she confirmed what everyone else has said - we have a long road ahead of us.

matt's hair started to really thin so he decided today was the day. the kids had fun shaving matts head. taylor gave him a reverse faux hawk, levi shaved an m in the back of his dad's head. when matt was diagnosed, taylor decided when her daddy said it was time for his head to be shaved, she was cutting her hair and donating it. she printed and filled out the form, she is donating her hair to locks of love.

yes, it's a hard day for this wife and mom. not because of their hair but because of what it represents.

tomorrow taylor turns 15, she has a new, gorgeous look and a reason for this new look. her daddy has cancer.
i can't guarantee i'll be tear free tomorrow. i haven't had a tear free day since the diagnosis. perhaps one day.

in the mean time, we recognize hard days happen. and when they do, we remember He was human; He wept; He asked for this cup to pass; He said, not my will but Yours.