cancerschmancer - mri results

everyone has been waiting. checking in. texting. calling. emailing.
we're thankful to have such an army praying. as we were told again, this is a rare and aggressive cancer that needs to be hit hard. (will they ever quit reminding me of this?)

so this morning we got a call from the oncologist. the mri results were in and she had a minute to look them over.

here's what she said…
there is no longer a tumor - which we knew because they removed it in surgery.
and there's a ton of inflammation because the surgery was so extensive. it takes 3-6 months to fully heal from something this major. while they can't see any cancer cells, they can't rule anything out.
so do they know for certain there are any cancer cells? no.
do they know for certain there aren't any? no.

he has a lot of pain in his eye because of the inflammation from surgery. it's normal. it will take a long time to heal. a long time. and this is...normal.

in the mean time it was agreed upon by all parties involved matt needs to have the full max amount of chemo. matt wasn't included in "all parties involved" because he'd rather be done. it makes him so sick. and so tired. and so utterly miserable.
next chemo is monday, tuesday, wednesday. we see the surgeon on tuesday of next week as well. he'll look over the mri and i'm sure he'll have an opinion on it as well.

for now, we continue to wait.

as i've said, waiting is hard.
this morning a friend shared this blog post with me, to live in the not knowing. i felt like it described me to a T. we live in a painful limbo she says, a long stretch between what was and what will be. if you are in it, you understand, if you aren't, you will be.

for us our "cancer" is cancer.
for you, your "cancer" could be another life altering situation. we all have a type of cancer.

we all have those things in our lives that burden our hearts. make us stop dead in our tracks. they cause our legs to go weak. our nights to be sleepless. our lives are planned around them whether we want them to be or not.

i'm by nature not much of an anxious person, but cancer has changed it. it has hijacked my heart. there have a been a few times that i'm gripped by worry. there's fear and trembling. i'm literally paralyzed. my heart feels like it's going to pound of my ever tightened chest, it's hard to get air.

it's happened twice actually. both times were when i was alone. and my thoughts begin to wonder. they go to the what if. i start picturing things to be different.

the other day, my love was out with a friend. it was a routine saturday, i changed the sheets on the bed and stopped, i couldn't move, my hands and my feet froze. tears streamed down my face as my mind went there. i left the sheets as they were and called him. i just needed to hear his voice and be reminded he's ok. i spent some time in prayer. i listened to worship and dug into the Word, i got my hope pile out and physically held it. i read those cards over and over.

i went back and forth whether or not to be so personal, but i wanted to share this because those feelings are very real no matter what our "cancer" is. i've learned and am learning that we can feed the fears, worries, thoughts. we can sit and ponder those situations. we can let our dark despair go deeper. or we can remember His promises. worship with abandonment, cling to Him, recite the Word of God, it's true and it brings life and hope. we've been taught we can't stop a bird from landing on our heads but we can stop it from building a nest. by the same token, we can't stop the thoughts from coming but we can stop ourselves from feeding them. i want to feed my mind with the Word of God. because then no matter what happens, i am reminded of His goodness, His faithfulness. i'm reminded that life here on earth is temporary. we are here for a greater purpose - to know Him and make Him known.

so because we could be waiting for a very long time, we're choosing to live. another quote from the blog i referenced above says this:

for me, i've decided this: i will not put my joy on hold. i will not wait for the phone to ring before i decide to laugh and dance. it's a cost i'm not willing to pay. instead, i choose to live.

so off the top off my head:
today i'm signing up for my first triathlon.
i'm dusting off the running shoes that have sat untouched since matt's diagnosis.
we're looking into camping places for the summer.
we're exploring the idea of the kids going back to Haiti.
i'm cooking again. (Lord help us!)
we're laughing.
dancing.
singing.
we're looking for opportunities to glorify Him.

are hard days coming? absolutely.
do we know how we'll get through them? only by God's grace.
is there any doubt that we. will. get. through. them? not a chance.

but i don't want cancer to rob us of our joy. whether we have today or a thousand tomorrows, i want to live. and live joyfully.

"for our present troubles are small and won't last very long. yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever!" 2 cor. 4:17