today we went in to see the oncologist. 1pm was the appointment time, and chemo was slated to immediately follow. tomorrow we were scheduled to see the surgeon and then go to chemo and the final chemo of this round was supposed to be wednesday. everything was scheduled to flow; nothing would conflict and we were going to make the best use of our time.
i grocery shopped with chemo in mind.
soups
ginger ale
tea
applesauce
popcycles
all of the things matt can tolerate during chemo.
carpool was taken care of.
people were praying.
the house was clean, laundry done.
bring on chemo.
then we got to the oncologist and found out matt's blood count was too low. since this is the second time it's happened, they attribute it to the strong dose killing the white blood cells and his body isn't recovering quickly enough. sigh.
chemo would be postponed a week.
this just goes to show how true proverbs 16:9 is. "a man plans his journey but the Lord directs his steps."
the spiritual side of me says ok. this is God's plan. my head knows all of the things to say and believe.
the planner in me hates every bit of this. it's not working with what i had planned and arranged. type a and cancer do not co-exist. grrrrrr.
the wife in me hates it even more. i want matt better.
i'm done. there, i said it. i'm done.
done with chemo. done with cancer. done with doctors. done with scans, done with treatments, done with phone calls. done with waiting.
i'm done. the white flag of surrender, it's waving. i'm tapping out.
i hate seeing him sick. i hate seeing him tired. i hate that he hates it. i hate that he's so utterly miserable and there's not a single thing i can do about it.
hate. it's a strong word. i hate it.
sigh, you see, the longer we postpone the treatment; the longer it will be before he is better and feeling good again. and the longer before we can live normally again. how i long to be annoyed that he wakes up at 4am staring at me. how i long to try to keep up with him because he's always on the go. i long for him to tell me we need to go running. (though i secretly hate running!)
i long to look in his eyes and see that sparkle of orneriness.
to push my buttons as he used to say. i long for matt to feel good again.
don't get me wrong. i love seeing all that God has done in this. i love it when people i don't know come up and say they are praying for us. they heard about matt through a friend…or the prayer chain…or because their friend liked something on facebook and they saw it and now they are following our story. i love getting mail, gifts, watching needs being met before we know the need is there.
i love sharing how i got through a deep dark valley with someone and they tearfully smile and say they are encouraged. to be used in this is humbling and amazing. we know He doesn't waste a single thing. we know He wants our lights to shine. we know He works all things together for the good. we know He makes all things beautiful in His time. we know He is good. we know He is with us.
we know. but this is hard. it's a season He has called us to. for only He knows how long. it's a season we'll keep growing in. it's a season we'll look back on with completely thankfulness. i have no doubt.
but for now, we wait.
today i read psalm 46:10, "be still and know that i am God."
so tonight that's what i'll do. i'll be still.
and know He is God.
and i'll accompany this truth with a carton of ice cream and a spoon.
1 comment:
Excellent post on sharing your feelings. Don't be afraid to be honest. And don't you even think about deleting this post!!!!! Keep it real.
With LOVE, Hugs, and Prayers coming your way....
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