for the first time, i feel like i have a word from the Lord in this.
don't get me wrong, He has spoken to my heart plenty. daily He ministers to me. from the Word, i draw strength. it keeps me moving. breathing. living.
from the Word, i've been reminded He gives life. He is the author and finisher. He shelters us with His wings. He leads us. He walks with us. He is good. He is faithful. He wants us to pray. He desires we grow. He loves us. He went to prepare a place for us. our lives here are temporary. i have learned to be patient. (ok, so we're working on this one). i've learned to follow His lead. to trust Him with my whole heart. that His will is perfect. He has a purpose to accomplish. He desires that we would glorify Him.
every time i read the Word, something speaks to my heart. but through this, i haven't gotten a "word" from the Lord, if you will, on which direction we'll go. people have shared their experiences with me. while it's encouraging; that was for them.
when people share a meaningful verse with me, i'm blessed. truly. and it is added to my Hope pile. i read from that pile often. i reflect on those verses. i draw strength from them.
one verse the Lord gave me early on was this, 2 chronicles 2:17, "but you will not even need to fight. take your positions; then stand still and watch the Lord's victory."
while that's a good word. and one i committed to memory that day, i'm not entirely sure what it means. of course, it's the Lord's battle. i trust Him to fight it. i'll stand back and watch. but ultimately, will the Lord choose to heal matt or will He take my beloved Home? i don't know. i just know it's His battle to fight. He will have victory. often i've asked, but what does it mean???!!!! i know what i WANT it to mean, but what does it actually mean in light of our situation? you see my dilemma?
so yesterday in my quiet time, the Lord spoke to my heart for the first time like this since matt was diagnosed. when He speaks words that bring Hope, it's different than when others speak it. don't ask me how it's different, it just is. and i got excited. my heart started pounding and i was all giddy. i had a complete peace in my heart.
in deuteronomy 1:6 the Lord speaks to them and says, you have dwelt long enough at this mountain. and in verse 7 they are told to break camp. their 40 years in the desert was over. it was time to move on.
then in luke 6:21 i read, blessed are you who weep now, for you shall laugh.
now i don't know how much longer the Lord will have us in this place. we haven't gotten any new news. no new scans. no new treatment plan. no phone calls. nothing new. it's just a "feeling." it may be a wrong feeling. i don't know.
we still have 2 more chemo rounds (each of 3 treatments) scheduled at this point and many doctor appointments and more scans in the next few weeks before we'll know anything for sure. but if it's all clear, we have about 5 more weeks in the desert and then it will be time to break camp. oh could it be true? laughter is coming!
i'm holding onto these as promises. they bring hope in this dark desperate situation.
as i meditated on this more, and thought about it all day and night, i was reminded that they spent 40 years in the wilderness. i also thought about church the day before. pastor Greg shared about a man who was healed after 38 years.
nope, not going there.
for me, i'm trusting that it's almost time to break camp.
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