cancerschmancer - to try to live again

sorry it's been a while. i know i promised an update almost 2 weeks ago when we got our new scans.

but since that day, we've tried to live normally again. at least for a short time. we've learned with cancer, you never know what's next so you have to take every opportunity given. these past 11 days we've tried our best to live without cancer.

as i mentioned, we got good news at the oncologist: "according to the latest MRI and PET/CT, there's no evidence of cancer"

what does that mean?
is he cancer free? no, those words won't be spoken until he's had years of clean scans.
is there still cancer? only God knows.

what they did find were two spots that "lit up" in the scans. one was the spleen and that, they believe is a result of the bone marrow shot, neulasta. i'll admit, in the back of my mind, i wonder if it is indeed the shot. this cancer is known to appear in the organs. i'm trying to take that thought captive and believe it is the neulasta.

the other spot that was lit up was in the nasal area. it was 2.7 cm or mm, i'm not sure. still big enough. we're told it's "considerably smaller" than what showed at the previous scan - 6 weeks ago. they believe this is tissue healing from surgery. as long as it gets smaller and doesn't stay the same size - or grow - we're ok.
they say.

i reminded the oncologist we've been told this is rare, aggressive and because the tumor didn't have a hard shell, and is known to grow feelers, she nodded her head in agreement, i asked, at what point would cancer cells show up if any were left behind during surgery? we're not sure was the response and that's why we'll do scans often. that's why she (and the city of hope team and the UCI team) recommend a 4th round of chemo - just in case.

the surgeon will continue to check matt's nose, brain area and optic nerve area with his camera every month for a year and if he sees anything at all, we go straight back into surgery. they call it a biopsy, but because of the location, it's a repeat surgery.

matt will also have an MRI every 2 months and a PET/CT every 4 months for about 5 years.

so did we get good news? yes.
is my heart still concerned? yes.

i'm just not at the jump up and down stage. yet.
but are we praising God, absolutely.
He has done great things and we are filled with joy. psalm 126:3

we took the kids and that news and went to DQ!

and we're at peace. they are treating him aggressively and we're thankful. we're just not done.

and that's why we're trying to live again.

cancer is disruptive. it's emotional. and it's expensive. boy is it expensive.
imagine doubling up on your house payment each month, but not getting another house. and not having any warning. that's about what it's like. literally. i'm reminded of the saying, kids nickle and dime you to death. so does cancer.

yes we have insurance, thank God. but the co-pays are ridiculously high and there are a lot of them. having said that, God has provided, we can't complain. at all. we're not lacking. we're adjusting and we're growing in our faith. we're living with cancer. and this is part of it. matt and i often laugh when a bill comes because we have no idea how it's going to be paid and then we cry in awe and humbleness when God provides in ways we can't even imagine.

and then this came in the mail... again, we're tearfully in awe.

when i looked at this hefty bill and the receipt with the red PAID tucked in the fold, i couldn't help but think about good friday. in the same way, we should be billed for our sins but we're not. He paid for them on that cross. we're free and clear because of His love for us. it's undeserving, unmerited. grace. it's all so much to take in.

the day after the diagnosis, matt was brought into the pastors meeting and they laid hands on him and prayed. every aspect was covered. i cried. i remember clearly though, one pastor prayed for financial provision. i remember thinking, we have insurance, it's all good. apparently this pastor knew things i did not. i'm thankful he covered that aspect because i had no idea. yet God has and we trust will continue to hear the prayer of that man as well as the others who prayed for every other aspect of matt's cancer.

because this is such a roller coaster in all areas, we try to live normally when we can.
this has not only been emotional on us, but the kids too. they are growing, as we are. they struggle, as we do. their lives have been clearly disrupted too. they try to not complain, but it's hard for them. very hard. we're all learning grace.

so we live.
so we try to go places without a plan.
we try to take every opportunity to do things when matt feels good.
we were recently blessed with a "do something fun" fund.
it's not for medical bills, it's not for co-pays. it's a gift from Him they said, and we were to use it to enjoy moments with the kids, make memories.
have fun.
laugh.
this person clearly knew what our family needed.
i'm tearing up as i type.
humbled again.

so we decided to take the kids to magic mountain. at one point, matt opted to stay off a ride and take a nap. it was ok. i'd rather have matt nap and be with us, than miss out all together. levi caught a lizard and scared the girls at a ride exit. i told levi when i count to three, jump towards the girls. and i snapped the picture.
it.
was.
hilarious!

the girls eventually forgave him.

we rode batman backwards. the kids got stuck on colossus as it went backwards when it shut down mid ride. we laughed. we screamed. we ate too much. we walked too much. we stayed out way too late. we lived normally...

...and it felt good.

i'm thankful for that because today matt gets blood work done.
monday begins another 3 day round of chemo
with that comes more pills, more iv pokes, more aches and pains, more nausea, more tiredness, more reminders that we are living with cancer - it's all happening too soon. again.
and the following week we see the surgeon.

in all of this though, we're thankful. i recently read a blog entry by a sweet friend, jennie lusko. she talks about her 10 year anniversary to her husband and what they have experienced. though our situations are completely different, i wholeheartedly agree with what she writes:

"While dreams have come true over and over again, even in our worst nightmare God has held us, and brought us closer in a depth we'd never knew had we not walked through these waters (as much as i wish we could know the dept of intimacy without the pain.)"

it's true. i wish we could experience the depth of intimacy with Christ without the pain, but it's not possible. if i'm being honest, i'd like to experience the promised land without the desert experience. but then would the promised land be as good?

we're thankful. we're blessed. we press on.